Denise Dorrance, POLAR VORTEX: A Family Memoir
[0:02]Hi, I'm Zippy Owens, and I am the host of this podcast, Moms Don't Have Time to Read Books.
[0:08]I am also a newly minted USA Today best-selling author of the novel, Blake.
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[0:31]Denise Dorrance is the author of Polar Vortex, a family memoir, which, by the way, is a graphic
[0:37]novel, and also, by the way, was really deeply affecting and moving, and I really recommend
[0:45]you take an hour and just read this book. American born cartoonist and illustrator,
[0:50]Denise Dorrance, worked in magazines in New York for 12 years, including a cosmopolitan
[0:54]under Helen Curley Brown, before moving to London in 1993. Her cartoons have run for decades
[0:59]many publications, including The Mail on Sunday UK. Polar Vortex is her first graphic novel.
[1:05]In the UK, it was shortlisted for the 2020 myriad first graphic novel competition,
[1:10]and won the LD Comics 2020 Rosalind to be Penfold Prize. Enjoy.
[1:15]Welcome, Denise. Thank you so much for coming on Moms Don't Have Time to Read books to discuss
[1:19]Polar Vortex, a graphic novel. Thank you very much. Happy to be here.
[1:24]This is, is it my only graphic novel? It's definitely one of the only ones.
[1:28]And you came highly recommended by Miranda Callie Heller, who wrote The Paper Palace,
[1:32]which is one of my all-time favorites. So anything she said, I was like, yes. And then I
[1:37]read your book. And oh my gosh, I couldn't put it down. It was so immersive and I so powerful.
[1:45]And like, I felt so almost dysregulated after reading it, like so sad, almost like I had gone
[1:51]through grief myself, you know, that whole, anyway, it was so powerful and you did a fabulous job.
[1:56]So I'm really glad I read it and I'm glad you wrote it. Thank you so much. It's a book,
[2:02]you can read in one sitting. I think that's what's, I mean, it's nice to get a book and really
[2:07]have a whole week to read it, although maybe it takes you one hour, I don't know.
[2:12]But I've kind of said it's like watching a film that takes about that amount of time and it's
[2:17]that kind of experience. It's like a multimedia and emotion factory.
[2:23]Do you have it in your life at all? Is it, does this touch do in any way of your?
[2:28]It hasn't, but it's a fear. Right. It's like, so maybe we should back up and why don't you tell
[2:34]listeners what Polar Vortex is about and it is not about a weather system necessarily,
[2:39]although that plays a part. Now it's very important weather system actually because that
[2:44]came simple for the dimension that I'm through. So it's a personal story, although I have found
[2:51]once I started talking about it, it's a subject that touches so many people even universally.
[2:57]So Walmart is set in America. I think it's happening everywhere. This elderly care, dementia,
[3:05]how family survive that nuclear bomb that goes off in the family. And so it's based on my own
[3:12]experience of my elderly mom who fell at home in Iowa and I was in London and I rushed back to
[3:19]help her thinking it was going to be a few weeks. And it turned out to be almost two months
[3:25]that I spent with her. And while she was sort of deteriorating in dementia and it became very
[3:31]clear she wasn't going to go home, which is a big theme in the story home. Yes. I was quickly
[3:38]thrown into the situation where I had to then make a decision for her future. Not just me,
[3:43]but there was my sister, but we were not speaking. So that's another layer of the story
[3:48]siblings fall out when parents aren't there as leadership really. So I was thrown into this kind
[3:55]of polar vortex of having to navigate my mom's future. And it just nothing felt right. None of
[4:04]the choices felt right, but we had to make one. And so the plot starts with that fall of my mom
[4:10]at home and me rushing to help her and then follows the intense, but short relatively short
[4:18]journey that I had to make, but it was her entire future that was being decided. So and I kept
[4:25]a diary and that's that's the only reason I could actually write this book because I kept a diary
[4:29]while I was there sitting next to my mom in the care home or sitting home alone in my family home.
[4:35]And that diary helped me access the intense kind of feelings and the funny things that happened
[4:42]too. You know, I probably wouldn't have remembered with such intensity, but I had this diary with
[4:46]all the notes that I've kept, which I picked up when I started writing the book. So it was really
[4:51]helpful. Well, the combination of this new landscape that you had to navigate and bringing your own
[4:57]thoughts and feelings in life into it, right? You're not just, you don't have all the time in the
[5:01]world, like you have your own family and you have your own life and job and everything. And when
[5:05]something happens to a parent, you have to stop him like who else? And I think that was part of
[5:11]one of these, one of the very sort of lonely feelings of the story is like, if not you who,
[5:18]like what happens when our parents get older? And of course it has to be you, but also what about
[5:23]them? And what about I know it certain times your mom was trying to advocate for herself and saying,
[5:28]well, I don't want to leave my home. But then the next minute not knowing who she was or who you
[5:33]were, you know, so how do you honor their, how do you honor their wishes and yet make sure they're
[5:39]okay? And then all the, all the insurance stuff and what is even possible and the nice home versus
[5:45]the not nice home. Oh my gosh. Oh, it's terrible. I mean, I don't wish it on anyone. But I,
[5:52]I mean, when I started the book, I would, you know, sort of start talking about what the subject
[5:58]was. And within a second, people would jump in and start telling their own story of their own
[6:02]experience. And so, you know, I think it does boil down to just a very common story that people
[6:09]have to deal with this issue of the end of their parents' life really. And I think, you know,
[6:15]the insurance, I mean, it was very important to the plot, but it's a really boring subject. And so
[6:22]I had fun kind of, you know, the humor kind of making it humorous telling the story of my mother's
[6:28]insurance situation, which meant she had very little money to give to her care, her private care.
[6:33]And even though they had been putting money away in this, like, insurance scam, if you will,
[6:39]where, you know, their whole life, they were putting aside money and then it comes time and it
[6:44]cares for like two hours or something crazy. Yeah, two hours a day, which doesn't even begin to cover it.
[6:50]And, you know, we had help with a lot in the church and, you know, friends, but that's, you know,
[6:56]it's not enough in a day. And then as the daughter or son, you know, you just want to go and
[7:03]fill that gap. Yep. But that's impossible. There was also, you really highlighted, sorry, I didn't
[7:11]mean to get you off. You just really highlighted how much higher functioning she was at home,
[7:16]right? Like, she got right back into her house and could put her around and do all the normal
[7:20]things. And yet, when she was in one of these new environments was just sort of like in a wheelchair,
[7:25]just sitting there or confused. And I think that every so often you had these, the sheer expression
[7:31]on her face in the evenings, which oh my gosh, got to me so much when like just to have
[7:36]your parents be afraid like that and confused. Yeah, yeah, it's, and you know, my whole thing
[7:44]was I wanted to keep my mom at home. That was money. Yep. And that became an issue between
[7:50]them and my sister who wanted really in with all love and care one of my mom to be put into,
[7:57]you know, a nursing home or a care home that they could look after. And so, you know, while my mom,
[8:03]my mom was highly functioning at home, but was she? You see, I didn't really know I was here.
[8:09]Yep. We call, I called her every day and we spoke and I could check in. But increasingly, she
[8:14]should start to tell really weird stories about people in the basement and, you know,
[8:19]eating us strange things that were happening in there. And I do think being at home was for her,
[8:24]this the safest place. And when you move people with dementia, they're very discombobulated.
[8:30]It takes a while from to settle. And then she settled in the care home eventually,
[8:34]but that's all another issue with insurance. And yeah, it's, it's quite messy.
[8:39]It's messy. Where is she now? She died. Oh, no. Yeah, I'm sorry. But she was 93. She lived a really
[8:47]really full long life. And she died at home, you know, with my sister, she moved to live with my
[8:53]sister on the West Coast. How much longer after the events of the book? About a year and a half,
[8:59]she was with the sister. And what was really awful and what really made inspired me to write
[9:07]this graphic novel was that when my mom died, it was during COVID. And so we had no funeral, no
[9:14]memorial. There was nothing to honor her life. And that was awful. I just thought it was unfair.
[9:20]And so the book really is in her honor. It was to celebrate her life, really, which we couldn't do
[9:27]when she died. I was very, very close with my grandmother. And she had dementia at the end,
[9:34]although not the extent of your mom. And was in a home, but that she had like a blast in the place.
[9:40]And both my grandmothers went to homes and like had this whole new social life and
[9:44]men tried to date them. And like they were like, you know, bells of the ball in different places.
[9:48]But so that was fun for them. Doesn't have to be a terrible experience.
[9:54]Yeah, that's still having to move. I mean, moving is one of the most stressful things at any age.
[9:59]Right? And you just
[10:00]You can give up that level of control and you spend your life trying to figure out what
[10:06]you like and you're making rooms, inviting and then to think that at the very end you
[10:13]have to end up in some terrible room that is not even if you're choosing anyway.
[10:18]Right.
[10:19]With a little shelf that you have a couple of photographs and yeah, it's a lesson for what
[10:24]we think is important and what we hold on to.
[10:27]Yes.
[10:28]Very true.
[10:29]So sorry for your loss and your dad and your brother and oh my gosh, you've had so much
[10:36]loss in your life.
[10:37]It must have just brought up all of everything and maybe could you talk about your brother
[10:42]had a brain tumor and then an operation wasn't the same after.
[10:45]Tell me what happened.
[10:46]He was very close to my brother.
[10:48]He was eight years older and I really admired him and he got a brain tumor when he was
[10:55]at college and then had surgery to remove, it was benign surgery but the recovery
[11:03]was very long and slow and you know, it was a complicated surgery so he really, really
[11:09]wasn't the same and that reduced his life.
[11:13]He wasn't disabled but you know, it just reduced how he, so my mum looked after him
[11:18]really.
[11:19]He lived independently but you know, he never really launched but had a wonderful life and
[11:25]was a great artist and so I don't look back with sadness really, at any of that actually
[11:31]I find that, I mean death is part of our living and I had a very close relationship with
[11:37]my brother anyway up until the end actually.
[11:40]I'm so sorry.
[11:41]Oh my gosh.
[11:42]I'm sad.
[11:43]No, it's, I'm sad because I'm, I'm feeling you, you know, it's not, you know, I just,
[11:52]you know, you're empathetic, but we do on the planet, we empathize with each other of
[11:57]course.
[11:58]And the one, the one drawing where you had almost like the ghost of your dad next to your
[12:03]mum.
[12:04]Oh, I still, I mean, I haven't actually read it for a while because I, I get very emotional
[12:08]when I start, I wrote it, I get quite emotional, yeah, it brings up a lot of things.
[12:15]Tell me a little bit about your whole other, like your career up until this book in comics
[12:21]and drawing and, you know, just all of it, tell me about all of that.
[12:26]Yeah.
[12:27]Well, so I had a completely different career until I had my son.
[12:33]So my career previous to having my baby quite late in life, I was 38, was in photography
[12:39]and I was an agent in, you know, New York and quite a fast, fun life.
[12:45]And then I moved to London and I had my baby, my son.
[12:48]And when he was sort of old enough to understand, I started drawing with him and those
[12:53]became cartoons and those were then, you know, seen by magazine editors and started
[13:00]to be published.
[13:02]And so suddenly to my surprise, I was a cartoonist and I really, really, really, really
[13:07]but I grew up really in a house, you know, there was a humor in my house, my mom used
[13:12]to write poems that were quite humorous for a birthday.
[13:15]So I think, you know, there was something bubbling inside me probably always that I would
[13:18]be able to write funny cartoons.
[13:21]So I developed a character called Mimi who was a, like a fashionista mom, a New York
[13:28]kind of international mom, but she had a baby and the baby fit into her life rather than
[13:35]the other way around.
[13:36]Like, a lot of parents, I think, you just naturally sacrifice for your child, for your
[13:40]children.
[13:41]And she refused to do that.
[13:42]So she was fun.
[13:43]She ran in newspapers and magazines for about 10 years.
[13:46]I had a column in newspaper in London and then I finished with her and then I took a break
[13:53]and then this event kind of happened in my life.
[13:57]And I'd always wanted to write a graphic novel, but they're difficult.
[14:00]They're really difficult.
[14:01]And they take a long time.
[14:04]And I never had the story that I really wanted to tell.
[14:06]So it kind of just beautifully happened at the same time.
[14:09]My mother's story and my real desire to tell it in a different way.
[14:13]I couldn't do it as a comic book.
[14:15]I don't think if this is a comic book, really.
[14:17]I know.
[14:18]No, not is it.
[14:19]Yeah.
[14:20]I called an illustrated story because I think I really do want to reach people who might
[14:26]shy away from what they think of as a comic book because I've tried very hard to illustrate
[14:32]it in a way that's not, you know, traditional comic book format squares and, right.
[14:38]But, you know, it's more flowy.
[14:40]Mm-hmm.
[14:41]Yeah.
[14:42]So I feel like I'm going to answer my question.
[14:44]Yeah.
[14:45]It's funny, my mom, her grandma name is Mimi.
[14:50]Oh, I'm going to have something.
[14:52]Did you ever compile?
[14:53]Yeah, there's a book.
[14:54]There's a book called It's All About Mimi.
[14:56]Oh, my God.
[14:57]That's so perfect.
[14:58]I don't know.
[14:59]But we self published it.
[15:01]Do you remember Kickstarter?
[15:02]Yes.
[15:03]Yes.
[15:04]Yeah.
[15:05]So we did a Kickstarter campaign when it was really, that was very hot and happening.
[15:09]And that's how we published Mimi the book.
[15:12]Wow.
[15:13]And where is it?
[15:14]Because I have done.
[15:15]Oh, my gosh.
[15:16]I am going to buy her, like, 10 copies.
[15:18]I spent that.
[15:19]Perfect.
[15:20]She'll, like, put them all over the place.
[15:21]That's so funny.
[15:22]So perfect.
[15:23]Oh, my gosh.
[15:24]I love that.
[15:25]So having navigated this sort of difficult terrain, which many people tread and coming
[15:30]out sort of with the feelings of sort of loss and just the craziness of the experience
[15:37]and being in it like that, for people who are just starting this journey or who are also
[15:44]going through it or whatever.
[15:46]Are there any things that made it at all easier for you along the way that you would recommend?
[15:53]Even if it's as simple as a cup of tea at the end of the day or something, like what
[15:58]helped you through?
[15:59]That's a great question.
[16:01]And I'm not an expert in any way.
[16:03]And I, you know, I just experienced it.
[16:05]This very small personal story with my mom.
[16:08]But I think the takeaway for me was she wanted me close.
[16:12]And maybe it could be anyone.
[16:14]Maybe it was just someone being close to her.
[16:16]You know, I think dementia's quite frightening, scary in your mind.
[16:20]When you know it's happening, you know, it doesn't, it doesn't just hit.
[16:23]It's gradual.
[16:24]And it comes and goes.
[16:25]It's, you know, some days are good.
[16:27]Some days are very bad.
[16:28]So for example, when I, when I flew with my mother, I took her to live with my sister.
[16:35]And on the plane, she was really freaking very disoriented, of course.
[16:43]And I didn't know what to do.
[16:44]I just, I didn't know what to do.
[16:46]And I just took her hand.
[16:47]I held her hand and it just calmed her down.
[16:52]And I think, I know it seems really simple, but that sort of attention and affection
[16:58]I think is worth anything else you can do for someone in dementia.
[17:03]I think just being there for them quietly.
[17:07]They just know you're there and holding them.
[17:09]That would be my advice.
[17:11]We're going to make me cry.
[17:12]Oh, I'm sorry.
[17:13]I don't want it to be sad.
[17:16]I don't want it to be a sad book.
[17:18]I really, I feel like there was so much joy and humor.
[17:21]My mother had a great sense of humor.
[17:24]And I really tried very hard to keep that in the book.
[17:27]I think dark things in life.
[17:28]There is a sense of humor you can fold into it to make it just a little bit lighter.
[17:33]Yes.
[17:34]It's not laugh out loud, but it's nuanced.
[17:37]It's like there's a point in see, but it's lots of different feelings come up in intense
[17:44]moments.
[17:45]That makes sense.
[17:46]Like how to buy a suitably warm clothes in Iowa in the middle of a semester.
[17:51]That was funny.
[17:52]I worked that out.
[17:54]How did I knock?
[17:57]I was in such a panic when I left.
[17:59]I think I just didn't.
[18:00]I literally didn't think.
[18:01]And I didn't know this polar vortex was coming.
[18:04]Have you experienced one?
[18:05]Do they come the way?
[18:06]They just had one.
[18:07]Yeah.
[18:08]We just had one.
[18:09]Yeah.
[18:10]I mean, I couldn't find the shovels in the house.
[18:13]I did literally go to Target and try and find the right gear, because people are very,
[18:19]in the Midwest, if I'm walking around in serious winter gear.
[18:23]Yes.
[18:24]Well, it was not exactly an advertisement for Iowa.
[18:27]The balmy stores of Iowa, I was like, oh my gosh, all these summers, all these
[18:33]summers.
[18:34]Oh, that's so funny.
[18:36]No, I don't mean to say that the book itself is only sad.
[18:41]It's not.
[18:42]That's what makes it so interesting, right?
[18:43]It's the full range of the human emotions that go along with difficult situations and being
[18:48]in it and the good and the bad and getting to know your mom and those couple scenes,
[18:55]there was a nurse attendant who came in at one point and said, I'm here, you're safe.
[18:59]I'm with you.
[19:01]And then she ended up saying that to her, you know, a girl across the way.
[19:07]And it's this is good advice, not just for dementia.
[19:10]This is like when anyone's going through anything, the power of sitting there holding their
[19:14]hands and listening.
[19:15]I mean, for all the books and advice and stuff, that's really all, that's really, you
[19:23]know, the crux of it.
[19:24]Is that we have to be there for each other through the other parts of stuff we go through.
[19:27]And yeah, no, I know it's very, very simple.
[19:31]I think.
[19:32]And that's not a text message, you know, like it's not an email.
[19:36]It's not sending flowers.
[19:38]It's being there in person and doing that is a lot more important.
[19:44]Yeah, it's hard.
[19:45]It's hard.
[19:46]It's of course people don't live, you know, right next door to the parents and all that
[19:50]guilt.
[19:51]But when you can or for anyone, as you say, it's, you know,
[19:54]the love.
[19:55]Yeah.
[19:56]Oh my gosh.
[19:57]Okay.
[19:58]Well, what else are you working on these days?
[20:00]It's really, you know, I was quite, it was quite an intense period writing physically
[20:09]even just, you know, I was very bad about, you know, there's this sort of, the rules
[20:14]you must follow that you must take a break and, you know, don't sit for two hours
[20:18]and write, but I would, I would sit for five hours because, you know, you get, well,
[20:23]you must experience as well, you can, I mean, are you disciplined about taking a break
[20:27]while you're sitting writing?
[20:29]I didn't even know I was supposed to take a break.
[20:30]I don't take myself.
[20:31]Sometimes I sit here like the whole day and I'm going to the bathroom, like I wouldn't
[20:36]get up.
[20:37]Like, ever.
[20:38]I'm like, I've moved, you know, there was one day my husband flew to LA and got to
[20:41]the house and like, did all this stuff and I was like, I have not moved.
[20:45]Maybe I got it once.
[20:48]Give you some advice as an older woman.
[20:50]Don't.
[20:51]Not good for you.
[20:52]Take right.
[20:53]There's something called the Pomodoro method where you, you, I don't know, yeah, you
[20:57]write for 20, take five minute break, right, I know, it's impossible.
[21:02]But I would like to do another graphic level.
[21:04]I definitely would.
[21:05]I'm not sure yet.
[21:06]I might revisit New York.
[21:08]My New York days.
[21:09]We'll see.
[21:10]It's, you know, this is a hard one to follow.
[21:12]This has done so well beyond my expectations.
[21:16]I'm going to see how this, what happens.
[21:18]I'm still, I'm still happily enjoying the, you know, the success of this.
[21:23]Well, I think you should do something about your son.
[21:27]You know, I would like to be honest.
[21:29]Yeah.
[21:30]Oh, going away.
[21:32]I don't know.
[21:33]Probably that.
[21:34]I mean, it's another form of loss in a way, like as your child's older.
[21:38]I don't know.
[21:39]It's complicated feelings.
[21:41]I feel like there must have been a time where you felt like you went to college or it
[21:45]was, you know, I don't know, some, some moments where you had to let go more.
[21:50]I feel like that's another really relatable thing that a lot of people go through.
[21:54]You know, it's tricky.
[21:55]I'm more.
[21:56]You have to be careful.
[21:57]Yes.
[21:58]That's true.
[21:59]Protecting others and making sure it's okay.
[22:01]Yeah.
[22:02]But in this way, I had, well, not because my mother wasn't there, but what was great about
[22:05]doing this story as a graphic novel is that I could suddenly leave facts and just be surreal,
[22:11]you know, have launched into a game show or, you know, I didn't have to like literally
[22:16]follow what had actually happened.
[22:19]Yes.
[22:20]So you can play with, yeah, with a story.
[22:22]You can put, you know, Z lander in your book and then it's okay.
[22:25]I'm tagged Ben Stiller.
[22:28]Oh, do you say it was okay?
[22:30]No, I haven't told.
[22:31]Oh, gosh.
[22:32]I was wondering about this, right?
[22:36]Well, yeah.
[22:37]Well, I hope so.
[22:38]So I hope you liked it.
[22:41]Ben Stiller, if you're listening, it was used in a really great way.
[22:43]Don't worry about it.
[22:44]Yeah.
[22:45]Thank you, Ben.
[22:48]Well, Denise, thank you so much for your story.
[22:52]I'm actually writing a graphic novel with my daughter, not really that, yeah, she's that
[22:56]we hired an illustrator of a book that she loves.
[22:59]Like a real, you know, his name's Mike White and he, she loves his books about Melly Bean.
[23:04]Anyway, we wrote a middle grade novel that wasn't really being picked up.
[23:08]I was trying to sell it and she only reads graphic novels and she kept being like, let's
[23:11]make it a graphic novel.
[23:12]So we were in the process of adapting it, which is quite fun and illustrating, you know,
[23:17]one chapter at a time with, we sent him the, the chapters and he's, he's doing them.
[23:22]So she was just picking out the characters clothes yesterday and changing the colors that
[23:26]he wanted to use and she's like, no, those colors don't match.
[23:29]Like, why don't we try this because she's got the same, she can't help us try to.
[23:34]She really could.
[23:35]She's an amazing artist.
[23:37]She really is.
[23:38]She does art all the time.
[23:39]That's all she does all day is, you know, why isn't she doing it?
[23:41]I don't know.
[23:42]She didn't want to.
[23:43]It's a lot.
[23:44]But maybe you could put some of her drawings in it, like give her, you know, I think that would
[23:48]be interesting to have her drawings in there as well.
[23:50]Yeah.
[23:51]Maybe there's a dream a character has or something, something that she could, yeah, yeah.
[23:54]A little event.
[23:56]She could illustrate.
[23:57]This is a good, so it was called diary hoppers about a group of girls who have the
[24:01]power to go into their mom's diaries.
[24:03]So and go back and sort of go back and tie is not a bad time travel, but it's so you
[24:07]like learn more about your parents.
[24:09]Thank you.
[24:11]I thought I, I think it's like a great idea, but anyway, so, but now what she could do
[24:16]is she could do the diary itself and we could have little pages from that.
[24:21]Nice.
[24:22]Yeah.
[24:23]I love it.
[24:24]Oh my gosh, I'm going to ask her to do it today.
[24:25]Oh, really cool.
[24:26]Oh, well, just, we'll just keep giving each other ideas.
[24:30]Yeah.
[24:31]You know.
[24:32]Right.
[24:33]Checking in.
[24:34]I like it.
[24:35]Yeah, that's cool.
[24:36]I love it.
[24:37]Anyway.
[24:38]Okay.
[24:39]Denise, thank you so much.
[24:40]Yeah.
[24:41]Thank you.
[24:42]It was really a pleasure.
[24:43]Thank you.
[24:44]Lovely, lovely to chat with you.
[24:46]Thanks for listening to mom's Don't Have Time to Read Books.
[24:49]If you love it, please leave a review and follow us on social at city Owens and at city
[24:55]readers.