Hadley Vlahos, THE IN-BETWEEN: Unforgettable Encounters During Life's Final Moments
[0:02]Hi, I'm Zippy Owens, and you're listening to moms don't have time to read books.
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[1:03]Padli Blauhos is the author of the best-selling book, The In-Between Unforgettable Encounters
[1:08]During Life's Final Moments.
[1:10]Padli, who is, by the way, a TikTok phenomenon, is a hospice registered nurse, mother,
[1:16]and wife.
[1:17]Her husband also works in the medical field as a doctor of physical therapy.
[1:20]Blauhos started her career as a registered nurse at 22, has a hospice nurse, she now visits
[1:25]people at their home, while also educating and sharing stories about hospice care and
[1:29]social media, where she has more than a million followers.
[1:32]By the way, I don't know why this is coming out so late, but I remember interviewing
[1:35]Hadli from my kids' school as they were graduating, and I hid in one of their rooms
[1:40]in this school in hopes nobody would find me.
[1:42]So if the sound is a little bit off, that's why, but I had to fit it all in that day.
[1:47]Welcome, Hadli.
[1:48]Thank you so much for coming on Mumps.
[1:49]Don't have time to read books.
[1:50]Thank you so much for having me.
[1:52]Your book has changed the way I think about life and death, as I'm sure it has for
[1:57]so many people.
[1:59]Why don't you tell listeners a little bit about the book in general and why you decided
[2:05]to take your experiences as a hospice nurse in all of these end of life moments that you
[2:09]got to experience?
[2:11]Why turn the interview book and when did you even decide to do that and let's start
[2:15]there?
[2:16]Yeah.
[2:17]Thank you.
[2:18]So my book is 12 patient stories, as my time is a hospice nurse, that changed my life,
[2:23]changed how I viewed the afterlife, possibility of an afterlife, and just, you know, really
[2:28]made me into the very happy, excited to wake up every day person that I am.
[2:33]And I also share my own story going from a very young single mom with no plans and no direction
[2:41]to a very confident nurse that feels like I said, excited to wake up every morning.
[2:46]So that's my book.
[2:48]And about three years ago, I randomly went viral on TikTok just saying that I was a nurse
[2:55]and people started asking me what kind of nurse I was, and I was very hesitant to share
[3:00]that because hospice is, you know, so taboo.
[3:03]But I finally made a video and said, you know what, I've been a hospice nurse for many
[3:07]years now and I think I have really cool stories, does anyone want to hear them?
[3:12]And so many people said, yes, please, like, I had a loved one on hospice.
[3:16]I want to hear these, please, I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to.
[3:21]And so I started sharing my stories and the first time that I was like, maybe I should
[3:25]write a book was this direct message I got from someone who said that her husband was
[3:31]on hospice in the hospital, very quick thing.
[3:37]And she felt very alone while, you know, the doctor's nurses rushed in and out trying
[3:41]to do everything they could.
[3:43]And she sat there and she said, she watched all of my videos and felt prepared and
[3:47]like she could handle it and she said, you know, you were there with me, almost like
[3:51]I am as a hospice nurse, even though you don't know me.
[3:55]And I was like, wow, that's really powerful.
[3:57]And my thought was, I can only do so much in a 60-second video.
[4:04]And for people like that or people who've lost a loved one, I would like to go a little
[4:07]bit more in depth into these stories so people really, really get it.
[4:11]And that's how it all started, which I think is simple.
[4:14]Oh my gosh, that image of somebody sitting in a hospital and just watching your TikTok
[4:19]is feeling better.
[4:20]That's amazing.
[4:21]I mean, of course, the book too, but just the power of technology now, that's
[4:25]absolutely.
[4:26]And you don't think of it that way.
[4:27]You know, I was just sharing stories, I had no idea social media could have that kind
[4:31]of impact.
[4:32]So one of the things that has really stayed with me and that was so powerful was talking
[4:38]about how for everybody who dies and how this is a standard thing that all the doctors
[4:44]told you that like, oh yeah, no big deal was sent, your loved ones come back for you.
[4:49]And that you see them before you die.
[4:51]And it is just, it is not a hallucination and you are very careful to describe the differences
[4:56]and you share your own work, like even analyzing the medical files with the one patient who
[5:01]when you first missed water or whatever, it was, I think this was, that for all of us and
[5:06]for every single person regardless of religion or belief, you are visited by loved ones
[5:11]right at the end.
[5:12]Tell me about that.
[5:13]Yeah, I think that's one of the most amazing things and I never learned that in nursing
[5:17]school.
[5:18]It's just one of those things that once you get into the profession, everyone just
[5:22]says like, yes, this is something that happens and usually what will happen is when I enter
[5:27]a home, this spouse or the caregiver will say, they've been talking to someone who's been
[5:33]dead a long time, like, are they okay?
[5:36]And all it's playing, yes, that happens.
[5:39]And there's always so much peace.
[5:41]They're never scared.
[5:43]They're never, they have this sense of peace about them that I think is so beautiful and
[5:47]I'll say like, are you talking to them and they'll talk to them just like, there's another
[5:51]person in the room that I just can't see, you know, they'll talk to them and then they'll
[5:55]talk to me, which is what I call it, the in between, I feel like I'm with people when
[5:59]they're between that world and ours, which is so cool.
[6:03]So what do you take away from that?
[6:05]I know you said even after word of the book, how, you know, you are just convinced that
[6:09]there is something else there.
[6:11]You don't know what, obviously, but you are completely convinced like, what does this
[6:16]mean to you and how has it changed your own view of debt?
[6:20]Yeah, to me, it means that this is just, it's not a forever goodbye for me.
[6:25]So it really has changed the way that I see that instead of seeing death is this final
[6:31]moment or this failure, it's just, it's like a see you later, which is one of my favorite
[6:36]ways to put it.
[6:37]I love to say that this is not the end.
[6:39]I really do believe that there is something after this world and it is because so many
[6:45]patients with so many different backgrounds, I'll see the same thing.
[6:48]You know, if it was all one religion, I would say, okay, that's that religion and that's
[6:52]what they believe.
[6:53]But it's atheists, it's Christians, it's any religion you can think of.
[6:58]So what do we think is next?
[7:01]You know, I don't know.
[7:04]And that was something that I really had a hard time with.
[7:07]And you know, I discussed in the book where I was like very black and white thinking like
[7:12]either this is the answer or there's nothing.
[7:15]And I have come to terms with the fact that it's okay for me to not have all the answers
[7:20]and just say, I'm convinced that there is something next and one day I'll find out.
[7:26]It's only we could share the information.
[7:33]You also talk about how at the end of life, there's something called an energy burst and
[7:36]how you saw this practice with the man that you visited who you talked about sports with
[7:43]for so long and who obviously, Carl, thank you, sorry, tell me about that and how you
[7:47]found him like running around the morning running around the house and that.
[7:51]That was crazy.
[7:52]So he was in the bed, bed, bound, so we call it for about a year, just no energy to get
[7:59]up or do anything.
[8:01]And I walked into his bedroom one day like I always do and the bed was empty.
[8:07]And at first I thought, oh my gosh, he's died.
[8:10]No one told me, oh my gosh, you know, the funeral home's already come and got him.
[8:15]And then a minute later, I have a flashlight in my face and I say to the like, it's not
[8:20]the bright light that everyone talks about.
[8:22]No one sees that.
[8:23]It was a flashlight in his hand and he's walking around and crouching down and looking
[8:29]under the bed, playing hide and seek with one of his deceased loved ones.
[8:34]And his wife is right behind them, you know, trying to make sure to if he fell that she
[8:38]could catch him.
[8:39]And I was like, what is going on to her?
[8:41]And she was like, I thought that you were going to know what was going on.
[8:45]Like this is insane.
[8:48]And people do, they get this surge of energy that's just incredible.
[8:53]And one of the reasons why I really thought it was important to include that in multiple
[8:57]different stories is that a lot of times families will see this and think, my loved one is
[9:02]doing better.
[9:03]They're going to recover.
[9:04]They're going to do well and they're going to come off hospice and they need to know that
[9:07]this is something that can happen right before people die to savor that moment.
[9:12]And to really say, okay, this might be what this is.
[9:15]Let me really stop everything else I'm doing and take this moment and really enjoy it.
[9:21]That story in particular like grat tears to my eyes.
[9:25]So when he said he was playing hide and seek as lots of child, oh my gosh, the emotional
[9:31]moments that you witness and the gift of being part of these just tender pointed amazing
[9:38]moments is so special.
[9:39]And the fact that you get to share them with the rest of us and all of us get these
[9:43]insight glimpses, it's just, it's like otherworldly, it's amazing.
[9:47]So amazing.
[9:48]I agree.
[9:49]I love it.
[9:50]I love my job so much.
[9:51]You also share in the book about your experience having a baby in 19 and having a total
[9:58]sort of life redirection.
[10:00]moment and how that has affected your life and how you've since gone on to have two
[10:04]board, kids and asphalt, love and all sorts of wonderful things. It take me back more to that
[10:11]time of your life and what it was like having a baby that and even your pregnancy when you were
[10:16]at home again and all that just take me back there. Yeah, that was very, very, very difficult.
[10:23]That was the most difficult time period of my life, you know, getting pregnant in 19 and then
[10:29]as I discussed in the book deciding to keep my son. And, you know, I, my world got very small,
[10:37]a lot of people did not want to be around that or be associated with that. And, you know, all these
[10:44]people that were always so supportive of me, all of a sudden just disappeared. And it was really,
[10:50]really difficult when I needed support the most. And that was so difficult for me. I'm very glad that
[10:58]I made the decision to go into nursing school with the goal that it would in a couple years
[11:02]provide a very stable income for myself and my son. And I feel like it was my calling. I feel
[11:08]like this was where I meant to be. And I feel like I needed that redirection. And that was such a
[11:15]difficult time in my life. But now I think that it was all worth it. And, you know, put me where I'm
[11:21]supposed to be. Wow. How old are all the kids now? So, Brody, who I had when I was young,
[11:28]he's 10. And then we have a three-year-old and seven-month-old. Oh my gosh. And you have a book coming out.
[11:34]How are you doing? And your job. Tell me how you're balancing life right now. Like, what was the
[11:40]morning? It's chaotic. Thankfully, I have a very supportive partner. And I always say that now,
[11:46]because you know, when I was a single mom, I did it. And that was a lot more difficult, right?
[11:51]You know, my husband right now, he picks up, I mean, he probably does 80% of things right now,
[11:56]while things are getting so crazy. And I think that that makes a big difference. And I think it's
[12:00]important to acknowledge that whenever people are saying, how do you do it? You know, I have a
[12:05]supportive partner, which helps. And yeah, it can be a lot. I call my book my fourth baby.
[12:12]But as you know, publishing can be kind of slow. So it's not like I wrote this in like a month.
[12:17]You know, it's been almost three years total. And I work about two to three days of
[12:22]right now. Wow. Has there been anything about publishing journey and having the book actually
[12:27]come out and all that that has been unexpected for you or particularly fun or particularly not fun?
[12:35]Yeah. All of it's been very crazy. I just, you know, it's against the craziest part for me is that
[12:41]you check your email and you just like, never know what's going to be in there. And it's so strange.
[12:46]And you want to hear from people for like two to three days. And then one day they're like,
[12:50]oh, you're just picked for this list and you're just in that and congratulations. And here's
[12:55]your pre-orders. And then it's like, oh, let's get some champagne. You know, and then the other day,
[13:00]it's just nothing. It's just, it's got a strange. That's amazing. I love it. Tell me where you
[13:09]want to take your whole thing. You have this book coming out, your whole career, your life,
[13:14]or this really, you know, unique spot with your connections to the materials of life and death and
[13:23]loss and all of that. And now in publishing and TikTok and all of that. So when you were laying
[13:30]in bed at night, like where do you fantasize about this all going or have you just reached where
[13:34]it's going? Yeah. No, I want to open it on. I'm actually already taking steps to open
[13:40]the nonprofit hospice house. I really see a big gap in care with hospice houses, which can provide
[13:47]care for like up to five days for people who need a break without having to like permanently move
[13:52]to a nursing home. So just if the caregivers need a break right now, at least in my area in your
[13:57]New Orleans, we don't have one that allows caregivers to stay. And unfortunately, when most people
[14:04]need the most help is near the end of life, you know, after they've been caring for them for a while
[14:09]symptoms or getting a little bit harder to control. And many caregivers will not risk not being
[14:14]there when their loved one dies. So they will just completely be burned out. They will just refuse
[14:20]the hospice house care. So I'm trying to open up a hospice house where not only are the caregivers
[14:25]welcome, but they're taking care of as well. They're given an actual break food, a bed to sleep in,
[14:30]you know, a break. And I hope that I can open one here and then have them all across the US.
[14:37]That's amazing. I love that. How are you taking donations for that? How are you raising the money
[14:43]and making that happen? So right now I've applied for the 5013C through the government to become
[14:49]an on-profit because it's a medical facility. It is taking a little bit longer, which I understand.
[14:56]And then I can start raising money. Wow, truly amazing. Have you read by the way,
[15:01]Catherine Newman's book about that takes place in a hospice setting? It's a memoir. We all want
[15:06]impossible things. You have to read it. It's so funny. We all want impossible things? Yeah,
[15:12]Catherine Newman. I'm going to read it. Okay, I'm going to put, I'll put you to in touch.
[15:17]Here you have, but it all takes place at a hospice house when they're done. Oh, I'm excited to read it.
[15:23]Yeah, it's right. It's really good. It's really good. Anyway, I recommend this.
[15:27]What was the effect of COVID on you as a nurse in this particular area? How did you navigate that
[15:34]and how do you see things now? Yeah, it's much better now. The most difficult thing starting
[15:40]out was that a lot of healthcare workers, especially our CNAs, left. So we were very short staffed.
[15:46]And then, and you know, we had a cohort. So we're really small. You know, I only have like three
[15:50]co-workers that are nurses. We had one that was pregnant, totally understood. She went on leave.
[15:56]So now we have one less nurse, which is hard. And then at the same time, the hospital is
[16:00]constantly calling us and saying, Hey, this person's ready to go home on hospice. And you knew that
[16:07]if you didn't work overtime and take these patients, then they could potentially die without
[16:13]their family because the hospital wasn't allowing visitors. And that was the difference between
[16:17]someone dying without family or not. And I burned out during COVID. It was very difficult to
[16:23]constantly feel like you can either spend, go to a soccer game or you can, this person's going
[16:29]to die alone. Like, you know, and it seems like an obvious choice. But whenever that's happening
[16:34]seven days a week, that becomes extremely difficult. And for a while, I thought that there was no
[16:39]end in sight. But thankfully, it is much, much, much, much, much, much better now. Oh, my gosh.
[16:44]All the stuff you've been doing, you're like an angel. I'm thinking of nurses, you
[16:50]right about in the book that there is this perhaps not even unspoken, but unbeknownst to
[16:55]delay people rivalry, if you will, or lack of care or competition. I don't even know from the
[17:03]older nurses to the younger nurses. I was like a hazing situation. Yeah, they say nurses eat
[17:08]their young. That's a pretty common phrase. And I don't really know why it happens. But I was warned
[17:16]of it in nursing school. I saw it in nursing school where the older nurses just, they, yeah,
[17:21]I was like, like a hazing, like you said, I do think it's getting better because the ones that
[17:25]were hazed are not doing it. And you know, now that I've been in us for eight years now. So,
[17:30]you know, all of us who were put through that are not doing it. So I do think it is getting better.
[17:36]But yeah, that that was very difficult. You know, they'll roll your eyes if you have to
[17:41]be with them for the day or they'll say, oh, I hate it when they put, you know, these new
[17:45]nurses with me, they slow me down. And it was rough. Oh my gosh. As you think that's so
[17:54]counterintuitive because nurses like caring people by trade. But anyway, yeah, no, absolutely.
[18:02]And I see it sometimes there's the nursing shortage. And I'll see my friends on TikTok sometimes
[18:08]and they'll be like, oh, a nursing is the worst nursing is horrible. And then they're like,
[18:12]they're they're such a bad nursing shortage. And I'm like, well, you can talk about the positive,
[18:17]you're not necessarily encouraging anyone to come to point their things to the publicity rehabilitation
[18:23]year. Exactly. Do you find any time to read yourself? And if so, what do you like to read?
[18:30]Yeah, between patients, I see rule patients right now, which I just love. So they're over an hour
[18:36]away from my house. So I can listen to audio books all the time right now. I'm listening to yellow
[18:42]face. I love it so far. It is so good. You'll love it. You will love it. It's really, really good.
[18:49]And then occasionally I listen to nonfiction. It's kind of what I'm in the mood for.
[18:53]Okay. That's my plan. I have that podcast coming up. But I maybe you just skip the light and start
[18:57]yellow face early. You will. It's really good. Okay. And it's an unlikable narrator. But like,
[19:04]usually I don't like those. But this one is really good. Okay. Interesting. What advice do you have for
[19:08]aspiring authors? Don't give up. I always tell people I queried so many literary agents. And I was
[19:15]rejected so many times. So many people said, I just don't think people want to talk about death and dying.
[19:20]You know, I started at the very beginning of COVID queering. And it just people were like,
[19:26]no, this is we've had too much of this. We don't want to talk about this. No, thank you. And then
[19:31]finally, my agent know what, you know, did accept it. And then it went to auction at the publishers.
[19:37]So just because someone's telling you no does not mean does not affect the outcome of how well
[19:43]your book will do. That's just one person's opinion. And I say that for reviews too.
[19:47]It's just one person's opinion. Wow. Well, you were very inspiring and a role model in terms of
[19:54]so many things of consideration and care and sensitivity.
[20:00]empathy, you know, just you're obviously just
[20:03]from reading your book and you're study disposition here.
[20:06]You're just so giving and I'm so happy
[20:09]that the universe is giving back to you right now.
[20:11]Thank you so much.
[20:13]Okay, well best of luck and I will be following along
[20:16]and cheering for you.
[20:18]Thank you so much, I appreciate it.
[20:20]Okay, all right, thanks so much.
[20:22]Have a great day.
[20:23]Okay, bye bye.
[20:25]Thanks for listening to this episode
[20:27]of moms don't have time to read books.
[20:29]Don't forget to follow me on Instagram
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[20:41]Thanks so much to Steve and Ryan at Texturesound
[20:43]for the Sound Editing.
[20:44]And thank you to Morning Moon Productions
[20:46]for providing this fantastic intro and outro music.