Faleeha Hassan, WAR AND ME: A Memoir
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[0:58]Filetha Hassan is the author of War and Me, a memoir.
[1:02]Filetha is a poet, playwright, writer, teacher, and editor, who earned her master's degree in
[1:06]Arabic literature and has published 25 books.
[1:09]A nominee for both the Pulitzer and Pushcart prizes, she is the first woman to write poetry for
[1:14]children in Iraq.
[1:15]Her poems have been translated into 21 languages, and she has received numerous awards throughout
[1:21]the Middle East.
[1:21]Hassan is a member of the Iraq Literary Women's Association,
[1:25]the Sydney Association of Denmark, the Society of Poets Beyond Limits,
[1:28]and Poets of the World Community.
[1:30]Born in Iraq, she now resides in New Jersey.
[1:32]Welcome, Filetha.
[1:33]Thank you so much for coming.
[1:35]On moms, don't have time to read books to discuss.
[1:37]Or, and me, your beautiful memoir.
[1:39]Thank you.
[1:40]It's my pleasure to be here with you today.
[1:43]Thank you.
[1:44]My goodness, the experiences that you've lived, everything from what happened with your brother
[1:49]when you were little and him getting hurt and the guilt that you felt for that,
[1:54]through all of the atrocities that sort of fell at your feet,
[1:58]the loss, the resilience, it's staggering.
[2:04]Congrats.
[2:05]I mean, amazing.
[2:05]I don't even know what to say.
[2:06]Congratulations on being so amazing.
[2:10]You don't need to say so much.
[2:11]Like it's not easy, especially in different countries.
[2:15]Yes.
[2:17]So you have become this sensation out of Iraq for writing through,
[2:24]even though you're risking your life to do so,
[2:27]writing about all of the things going on and telling it like it is.
[2:33]How, what was it inside you that made you start writing when all of the things around you
[2:40]were just falling apart?
[2:41]Well, poetry comes easily to me.
[2:44]I was, I have no time dreaming about writing a detail memoir about the war,
[2:52]because I was a witness on this war.
[2:56]I almost, I lived maybe three wars.
[2:59]The Iraqi, Iran war, the Kuwait, Iraq war, and then there are injustice,
[3:07]lucky that last four, 12 years.
[3:10]And this is also, for me, it's war, because you're fighting for every day for your fool.
[3:18]Because in war, you know, there is enemy.
[3:21]Sometimes we can fight it because we are not soldier.
[3:25]Even this war, last for eight years.
[3:30]And it's like, in fact, everyone, she doesn't care if it's like,
[3:35]we are innocent people.
[3:37]We are not soldier, but this war affects women, kids,
[3:41]older people, everyone, and it lasts for eight years.
[3:45]But the black age, it destroyed our, our community,
[3:49]because everyone now talking about, I mean, looking for the day he can live without
[3:57]being needs something.
[3:58]For me, like, I did work so many different jobs.
[4:03]Let's see, I was a teacher.
[4:05]And also, I was, as you were writing my book,
[4:09]I was, you know, typing, typing, all these master degree, PhD degree,
[4:15]and that's for my fingers.
[4:17]Because I, I type almost every day when I come home,
[4:23]even when I was studying for my master team.
[4:27]And some people, especially the young men, they start new jobs.
[4:33]One of these, any usual jobs, they start to sell blah, blah, blah, blah,
[4:39]in the hospital, in the black market, just to survive the day.
[4:45]Because, imagine that it's like, how many, you know,
[4:50]I don't know how they measure the blood, but how many,
[4:53]how much he can sell this blood just to survive the day he will love.
[4:59]And also, we start, and this, this black age doesn't end until 2003.
[5:05]After that, we get some, let's see, just to sell them.
[5:11]Because before that, everyone, every employee, especially in government,
[5:18]and we include as a teachers, as a government job,
[5:22]because we don't have a special school back there, my time, just public schools.
[5:27]All salaries for teachers is a 3,000 Iraqi dinner.
[5:33]That's meaning to doubt.
[5:37]And that's monthly.
[5:39]And when you are a teacher, you can't apply for different jobs.
[5:44]You can't.
[5:45]And if the government know that, you get punished by going to jail,
[5:51]or they may be, they release you from your job.
[5:55]There's so many rules.
[5:57]That's why all teachers stay in the same position,
[6:02]and in same jobs.
[6:04]All doctors sold same jobs.
[6:07]All lawyers still stay.
[6:09]Now, one can change their career to go to the try another.
[6:14]Wow.
[6:17]Celia, how do you go about every day in your life?
[6:23]And now you live in New Jersey, right?
[6:24]And like a normal life in New Jersey carrying all of this with you.
[6:29]How do you get up and live the day and not be in your mind
[6:36]about all of the stuff in the past?
[6:37]How do you live for the day?
[6:39]First of all, I have very,
[6:42]like I have issue with sleeping.
[6:44]Every time if I sleep, let's see if I sleep,
[6:48]every day I will sleep for four hours, five hours, two hours sometimes.
[6:53]And that's not enough.
[6:55]But when I wake up, I'm doing this sleeping.
[6:58]I have nightmares, different nightmares about the war.
[7:02]Because in my mind, I still live.
[7:06]That's why when I write, the war is controlled my writing.
[7:12]Even if I like to write about love, the poem I'm starting with love, something.
[7:18]And then the poem gets her way and she took me to the war zone.
[7:24]That's why I can write pure poems about love or about peaceful.
[7:30]Because I didn't live for peaceful.
[7:32]Now, yes, I lived in peaceful, but not that pure.
[7:38]I can't cause all my memory and my childhood and even when I was a teenage and
[7:46]young adult, I was living in a war.
[7:51]Right now, I try.
[7:52]I try my best to be another woman, but that's not easy.
[7:58]I can just take my soul off and start getting established my life.
[8:04]Maybe that can my kids do it because they don't have these bad memories I have.
[8:12]But for me, it is not what is.
[8:15]I bet.
[8:16]Yeah.
[8:17]Oh, my gosh.
[8:18]And even right now, when I go outside sometimes, not everyone will come a woman with hijab.
[8:27]That's also making me feel I'm a soul fighting another war.
[8:33]Interesting.
[8:34]Yeah, because people, they did a woman with hijab.
[8:38]That's a very dangerous subject for them.
[8:42]And I face that so many times.
[8:45]One time I was in art museum in Philadelphia.
[8:48]And I was just looking for this beautiful, 18 picture and there's two couples.
[8:54]They were also watching or, yeah, interesting with this picture, but he told her,
[9:01]I hurt and told her, watch out.
[9:03]She's behind me.
[9:05]It's not everyone.
[9:07]Yeah, it is me.
[9:08]And I don't know when people can accept it and I thought it's coming soon.
[9:15]It's like never ending for you.
[9:19]Yeah, that's why.
[9:20]And when my poem, I said I'm still jogging from exile to another zone.
[9:27]One may be from going more to another.
[9:30]One, it's not, it's not easy.
[9:32]But this is the life.
[9:33]What should we do?
[9:35]We need to be supposed to accept it because there is no other choice.
[9:40]If there is another choice, I can go with it.
[9:43]And I, I'm a woman.
[9:45]I respect myself.
[9:46]I love my hijab.
[9:48]I just can't take it off.
[9:50]I'm being at different because it's like my skin.
[9:53]I can't go stick off my skin.
[9:56]Right.
[9:56]That's a part.
[9:57]It's a part of you.
[9:58]Yeah, you are.
[9:59]Yeah.
[10:00]How do you find joy? What gives you joy? When I see my kids happy, I feel joyful.
[10:07]And when I call my grandkids on WhatsApp, oh my god, this is my amazing moment.
[10:16]I hope one time I hug them, you know, give them kiss, smell them, something like that.
[10:25]But also when I write, when I write poetry, I will join.
[10:32]And when I see movies, especially movies about another culture, it's not just fantasy movie.
[10:39]I don't like fantasy movies. I like movies based on real story, but with different culture.
[10:47]That's me, give me joy. Of course, now with all these details, I can bear myself and my life with another group of life.
[10:56]And I will talk to myself. That's it's very difficult for me, but they make, they live it.
[11:01]And I have some difficulty in my life, but they can't.
[11:06]In this time, this moment, I feel enjoyed.
[11:11]And how do you feel about all of the praise and accolades and awards?
[11:17]I mean, a nominee for the Pulitzer and the Pushcart prizes.
[11:22]That's really amazing. I mean, that's amazing.
[11:25]Yes.
[11:26]Especially Pulitzer prize. It was like a dream because they don't accept translation. They don't accept any book come to them with a translation.
[11:40]But it was very accepted, but with both stories so difficult.
[11:46]When I said I'm going to do to write this book in my English language, the language I told myself by myself.
[11:59]And this is where it was very challenging for me.
[12:04]And when I heard from the publisher, Mr. William Beatz, when he said I nominate this book called Pulitzer Prize and they accepted, that's where something is like big detail for me.
[12:20]Because, as you know, when I came here, when I wasn't here, I was focusing on my career as a teacher with master degree in Arabic language.
[12:31]I spent 24 years teaching Arabic.
[12:34]I almost finished my PhD degree in Arabic language. And it's not in my mind.
[12:41]I'm going to need English.
[12:43]They teach us English from the first grades, but English just to pass the exam.
[12:51]It's like, I mean, we don't have a farmer to, you know, to practice this language and any language if you don't practice it, it's gone by the time.
[13:06]And in my mind, I don't need this English. I just focus in Arabic, classic Arabic language.
[13:13]And then when I came here, I came with zero English and I did use the Google to translate one or two sentences just to communicate with my neighbor.
[13:26]And she said, her name Mary, she said, yeah, you can go to college community and ask them if they can, you know, accept it.
[13:38]And I went there and the ID, you know, when someone asked you, it's like, I can't lie about my life.
[13:46]When they asked me, do you have a degree? I said, yeah, I have master degree in Arabic language.
[13:51]Okay, that's good, but you are not eligible for financial aid.
[13:56]And if you want to take class like English, when I want something like that, you need to be from your bucket.
[14:05]And you just imagine that I've been here three months.
[14:10]There is no job yet, no car, no salary, no nothing.
[14:16]At the charity, they pay our rent for three months.
[14:20]And they help us with electricity. And that's it.
[14:25]Even my kids, they just start going to school.
[14:30]Now, even if I want to take a bath to go there, because I don't have car, now they asked me to, they found my bucket.
[14:39]And when I did ask about the price for this class, they said between 500 and 500 each class.
[14:47]That's, that's fortunate for me.
[14:49]He's like, I don't have this much money to do that.
[14:53]Then I did ask for another program.
[14:56]Also, I want to be a cell program, I paid $10.
[15:01]But this program, they, after I became a volunteer in St. John Agard, and I start working there.
[15:09]I will take two buses to go there from six o'clock until six at evening.
[15:15]That's why I can go through any word of an opportunity, then myself.
[15:20]But I need it. It's like, it's an emergency.
[15:24]It's not just working in English because it's fun, and I love, love, language.
[15:30]I mean it.
[15:32]That's why I start watching cartoons, watching funny shows like Dave Shaper,
[15:38]because it's hard, believe me, Kevin Hart.
[15:41]I watched all media movies.
[15:44]And then after this level, I start reading kids book, especially when I want to the,
[15:51]because I, I volunteer two news in St. John Agard.
[15:55]And I start looking for book for kids.
[15:58]And I start reading it then.
[16:01]And now, when I got, I think 2014, I start reading and write and talk English.
[16:12]But I was spending every day, like five hours to teach myself.
[16:19]Sometimes I cry, believe me.
[16:22]Sometimes I feel so happy because there is a new sentences I am today.
[16:29]And my kids, they learn English very well in English because they're in a school because they are, as a kids,
[16:36]they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't take everything easy.
[16:40]But even when I start talking with them and in a, in a house, no one can,
[16:47]they reject to talk with me in English because they like to speak Arabic with me as a mom, you know.
[16:55]I think because in, in the mind they believe that if I, if I make mistake, they can't correct me as a respect.
[17:05]And yeah, that, that's the reason I think.
[17:08]I mean, I did all the job by working.
[17:11]And that's why when I did write breakfast for butterflies, this work in English sandwich.
[17:18]And they accepted for the application and they nominated for the surprise.
[17:22]It was my, it's a, I don't, I don't know.
[17:27]I don't have a good war for that.
[17:32]I was speechless when the stability and told me about that.
[17:37]It's amazing.
[17:39]It's, it's so amazing.
[17:41]I mean, I, my heart just goes out to you for all the things you overcome.
[17:48]Even something as simple as that.
[17:50]It's crazy.
[17:52]I mean, it's just amazing.
[17:55]Why do you think you have this?
[17:57]Do you think you were born with this drive to be able to teach yourself?
[18:03]I mean, I know you're obviously brilliant.
[18:06]But not everyone could keep going could be optimistic in the face of everything.
[18:13]Because I believe the life's supposed to continue.
[18:18]If I still breathing, I'm going to continue until the last three that I have.
[18:24]This is why, you know, sometimes right now.
[18:28]And I have another goal because I have so many people around me.
[18:32]They speak Spanish.
[18:33]I said, maybe I can then expand.
[18:35]Oh my gosh.
[18:36]Yeah, because you know, you're crazy.
[18:38]Well, because when I was in Turkey, for when I brought here, I was communicate with people in Turkish language.
[18:47]And because there's people around me, they say speak Turkish.
[18:51]In Turkey, they don't speak English or Arabic.
[18:54]And I was forced myself to an end Turkish with my friend.
[19:00]I mean, I mean, that she's a Turkish woman.
[19:03]She was a teacher too.
[19:05]And she said, teach me Arabic.
[19:08]I teach you Turkey.
[19:10]And then we start doing that.
[19:13]But here may be next year, let this is my goal.
[19:16]Maybe next year, I'm going to the college and lend myself Spanish.
[19:21]Because there's so many people around me.
[19:23]There is big Spanish.
[19:25]And I have many friends.
[19:28]They are very limited.
[19:30]But then they held an invitation with English language for the Spanish and Puerto Rico.
[19:36]I said, yeah, let's do this.
[19:38]Let's go there and name it Spanish.
[19:41]Why not?
[19:42]Yeah, why not?
[19:43]Yeah.
[19:44]Just add it to the list.
[19:46]Add it to the list.
[19:49]Oh my goodness.
[19:51]Well, do you feel, since your book has come out, that things have changed for you, do you feel understood?
[19:58]Well, that it's changed your life.
[20:00]or that if what has happened since then?
[20:02]Yes, before that so many people, especially my friends,
[20:06]they don't know all these details on my life.
[20:10]Yeah, we speak, but we speak in different subjects.
[20:15]Maybe we talk about Iraqi food
[20:18]and because they talk about the food all the time.
[20:21]But then when they read all these details in my book,
[20:25]I think they start to respect me
[20:28]and love me more and more.
[20:31]And right now, I don't have time just to sit in my home
[20:36]and do nothing.
[20:39]Every time I receive invitation to come and sign the book
[20:44]or talk about the book or read something or do article
[20:50]or how so entering you in written interview
[20:54]or online or just face-to-face.
[20:57]Something is having, but I think this book
[21:02]will last for so many years and in different countries.
[21:09]Because it's the call on for very harsh subjects
[21:14]or it's not easy to live.
[21:17]And when you see a surviving people talking about sunlight
[21:23]at this moment, you will interesting to read more and more
[21:28]and to see them, to talk to them
[21:31]because they tell in the truth.
[21:35]Because so many in wars, there's so many hidden things
[21:38]that I don't must write about it.
[21:41]And then maybe the rulers will wake up one time
[21:46]and think thousand times before they sound in the war.
[21:54]I mean, this is really how we learn anything, right?
[21:57]The stories, the individual stories of people
[22:01]and what they go through.
[22:02]Yeah, that's a huge way.
[22:04]Yeah, media doesn't give you all these, she can't.
[22:08]The media can't control everything.
[22:12]You know, just imagine they focus about something,
[22:15]they focus what they like to give you to focus on.
[22:19]But if you talk to any debate between people
[22:22]and see them talk about them arguing about this,
[22:28]that's the true and correct way to have your resource,
[22:33]to find out the real truth.
[22:37]It's not just like for me right now, if I want to write.
[22:41]Because that's my other call to talk about to write
[22:45]a story about Black hate, that you're actually Black hate.
[22:51]And in my mind, this is maybe perhaps
[22:55]the one you know, changing, I'm going to meet the people
[23:00]they was living the same time I was there.
[23:04]And I will talk to them about what they, you know,
[23:08]how they face that, what kind of food they ate
[23:12]in this time, how they survive.
[23:15]And because right now, if I want to do that,
[23:19]I can't just Google on YouTube or in different media.
[23:26]And I say, OK, I'm going to tell to see
[23:29]how they're actually be both survived from the world.
[23:33]Because I need book, I need real book.
[23:37]And I'm not bragging when I see this is real book.
[23:42]It's not just fantasy, it's based on real event to those stories.
[23:51]Well, Phil, I have thank you for writing the book.
[23:56]Thank you for sharing your experience and inspiration.
[23:59]I just keep saying you're so inspiring and resilient.
[24:04]And your story is sensational.
[24:07]So thank you.
[24:08]Good luck learning, Spanish.
[24:10]Thank you once, please.
[24:13]So I don't know.
[24:14]Maybe one time I will write two or three poems in a Spanish.
[24:18]I'm not going to read it to you.
[24:19]Who knows?
[24:20]Yeah.
[24:20]And then you'll win the National Book Award for those.
[24:23]OK.
[24:26]Thank you so much.
[24:26]And have a wonderful day.
[24:28]You too, bye-bye.
[24:29]Bye.
[24:31]Thanks for listening to this episode of Moms Don't Have Time
[24:33]to Read Books.
[24:34]Don't forget to follow me on Instagram at zibbowens
[24:37]and at Moms Don't Have Time to Read Books.
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[24:44]and meet lots of authors on Zoom every other week.
[24:46]Thanks so much to Steve and Ryan at Textures Sound
[24:49]for the Sound Editing.
[24:50]And thank you to Morning Moon Productions
[24:52]for providing this fantastic intro and now trim music.