Aileen Weintraub, KNOCKED DOWN: A High-Risk Memoir
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[1:26]You will not want to miss it. Go to ziviowens.com. Aileen Weintraub is the author of Knocked Down, a high-risk memoir. She is an award-winning author, journalist, and editor.
[1:36]Aileen has written for The Washington Post, Glamour, NBC, and AARP, among others. She has also published several children's books, including We Got Game, 35 female athletes who changed the world.
[1:46]Her debut book for grown-ups, Knocked Down, is a laugh-out-led story about marriage, motherhood, and the risks we take.
[1:53]Welcome, Aileen. Thank you so much for coming on Mom's Don't Have Time to Read books to discuss Knocked Down, a high-risk memoir.
[1:59]Thank you so much. I'm so excited to be here today. I love this hot pink cover, by the way.
[2:04]I love attention. I mean, it's just such a great. Are you so excited about your cover? What do you think?
[2:09]I love my cover. We went through a couple of browns of covers, and, you know, the first round didn't really express the entirety of the book, and there's actually like a pregnancy stick
[2:22]on the first draft. And I was like, this book is so much more than just about pregnancy,
[2:27]but I really like the hot pink on the positive side. You're something that, and they came back with this.
[2:33]Oh, and I said, also, I was like, I really kind of want a tiara on the cover if we can make that happen.
[2:39]So, yeah. So, when I saw this draft, I screamed. I was so excited.
[2:44]So, it's really great. Okay. Well, why don't you tell listeners a little about what this book is about?
[2:51]Your, so, knockdown is about being a bookling girl who moves to the country, ends up having this
[2:58]Roman romance, and ends up on pregnancy-related bed rest in a rickety old farmhouse for five months.
[3:06]And everything starts to go wrong. My marriage starts to crumble because it's a new marriage,
[3:11]and we've really just bought a new business. The house is falling down. And all of a sudden,
[3:18]I realized, you know, my father had died and I never gave myself the chance to breathe.
[3:23]And so, now, I'm staring at the walls all day. And so, I start to really process my entire
[3:29]relationship with my father and allow myself that time to unpack his life and the kind of man who
[3:36]truly was. And all this is going on while I'm fighting for the survival of my unborn child.
[3:42]Well, you've had this really great line about, and I'm so sorry for the loss of your father.
[3:47]And you've really brought him to life, which in itself, I feel like, is a mitzvah for this book.
[3:52]Do you know what I mean? When you really, you know, I can hear his voice, and I don't know,
[3:56]you did just such a great job, or at least who I think he was based on your book. I mean,
[4:00]maybe you did a terrible job. I don't know. You certainly crafted some sort of a character who
[4:04]I feel like I know well. But you did, you wrote this. You said there is a saying that a boy becomes
[4:08]a man when he loses his father. But what about a girl? What does she become? And then you just ended
[4:13]the chapter with that. It's grief is such an odd thing, especially in our culture. We don't
[4:21]really have the tools in place to to grieve and to like, at least, you know, even in the Jewish
[4:29]religion, there's a lot of tradition around grieving. But then you're supposed to kind of move on
[4:35]and not talk about it. And it stays with you. And you know, my father has died over 20 years ago
[4:41]now. And I just did the audio narration last week. Oh, wow. Yeah. I was in the city all last week
[4:50]in the studio. And that was, and I really saw my book in a whole new way. And the hardest parts
[4:56]for me to read were about my father. And I realized I'm still hoping on to this grief. And it's
[5:03]not something we ever actually like go entirely. And it's, you know, grief is like, it's like the
[5:10]roots of the tree. It spreads and spreads. And so you have to keep nurturing that and processing
[5:15]it over and over. And it's it's a lifetime thing, I think. I mean, I was just talking to somebody
[5:20]about this. But it's like the longing doesn't end the missing and the longing. And you'll always
[5:26]miss the person. Like, it's there's always something missing when so whether you get over it,
[5:32]you can't get over it. Like, you don't want to live without this person. You know, it's very,
[5:37]I don't know. Right. Absolutely. And after doing the narration and really, I mean, when you're writing
[5:43]it, it's one thing. When you're speaking it out loud and you're living these scenes over and over,
[5:49]like there's this scene when I'm a little girl. And my father I used to play this game,
[5:54]you know, he really suffered from depression. But he really tried to be present for me. And there's
[5:58]this scene that she, you know, I would stand in front of them on the sofa because he there were
[6:03]just days he couldn't get off the sofa. But he still wanted to be a dad. And so we would play
[6:07]this game where I'd run across the room. You know, it was like three or four. And he flipped me over.
[6:13]And I'd stay between the couch and his back. And like, I would just stay there for hours. And
[6:18]I'd draw pictures on his back. And he would sleep or watch TV. And we would kind of talk. And
[6:23]that was a way for us to have closeness. And when I was reading that scene, like, I had to stop
[6:27]myself from like, the tears streaming down my face. I cried three different times recording my
[6:35]audio book, by the way, about my memoir. I was just like, you know, because it brings it all
[6:41]right back, you know, you're right there. Because you're you're trying to show somebody what it is,
[6:45]but then you have to relive it. And oh my gosh, well, you did it. I mean, you know, it was a
[6:51]heartfelt depiction of it. And I feel like the loss courses through and I feel it's a misnomer
[6:58]to make this about pregnancy, even though that is the device you used to organize it, which I
[7:02]really found clever, you know, five days on bed rest or five years before bed rest or 18 weeks one day.
[7:08]Like I really, I love that kind of timing how you put everything in context that way that was
[7:12]very clever. But also you, you confronted really a trauma, which is like, you know, you had to
[7:21]stop your life to save a life, right? Which I understand. I was on bed rest with twins, which was
[7:26]like horrific for weeks on end. So I relate to this plight, but you said you had another paragraph
[7:31]that I loved. You said sometimes there is simply no pill or procedure or anything else. Sometimes
[7:36]it's just you and whatever or whomever you believe in trying to figure out how to get through the
[7:42]next moment. I had a hard time coming to terms with the idea that we just that we couldn't just
[7:48]fix this, that I couldn't just fix this. What if I just didn't do it? Would I really lose the baby?
[7:54]What was I willing to risk? And I think that's that's that feeling of like, wait, like I cannot do
[8:01]anything about this. It's the worst. And anyway, you captured it so well. Tell me more about this
[8:08]this moment and how you're feeling. Yeah. So as women and, you know, as mothers now, we feel like
[8:14]we have to do everything. And so this idea that we're going to be on bed rest. And I'm sorry to hear
[8:20]that you were in bed rest so many women have reached out to tell me about their experiences with
[8:26]their pregnancies through this book, which I think is amazing because it starts a conversation. But,
[8:31]you know, we're expected to do everything and hold it all together. And when your life just stops,
[8:38]I don't think that the medical profession really understands what that means or necessarily cares.
[8:44]And especially that there's not only the physical aspect of it, but your mental aspect,
[8:50]I lost my autonomy. Our finances began to suffer. Nobody prepared me for any of that. No one
[8:57]seemed to care. You know, I don't want to give too much of the book away. But towards the end,
[9:02]there's this question of whether it was even necessary to be on bed rest for five months. And I'm
[9:08]wait, what? Why are you telling me this now? My marriage is in the shambles. I lost my job.
[9:17]I can barely walk. And now there is going to be this whole other human in the house that I've
[9:22]responsible for. And I think giving ourselves, especially as women for mission, to just
[9:31]be sick or be, you know, just take care of ourselves, even if it's a little self-care,
[9:36]or to have, you know, the disability to say, hey, I need to do this for myself and my family.
[9:42]And it's going to be okay. And I shouldn't have guilt or shame around it.
[9:46]I think that some people related to it more opposed lockdown. Yeah. Because I'm like,
[9:52]this feels familiar. You know, I can't leave my house. Like, I can't do anything. Except then,
[9:59]everybody is.
[10:00]going through it.
[10:00]But you're right, I think it's very easy to say,
[10:03]you should do this, it might help,
[10:04]because then also when they say that to us as women,
[10:09]well, if I don't, and then it's my response,
[10:14]then I ruined it, then I lost, then I caused this.
[10:18]So you have to just do it.
[10:20]Jeremy, how could you live with yourself?
[10:23]And the way we speak about women and healthcare is appalling.
[10:27]I mean, I always told I had an incompetent cervix.
[10:30]I was like, and there's a line,
[10:31]like that's like five years of therapy right there,
[10:35]right, like my, now my cervix is incompetent, you know?
[10:39]So that all has to change.
[10:41]And what I would love to see in every single doctor
[10:45]was office is, and not just for pregnancy,
[10:48]but for perimenopause and menopause,
[10:50]like you're not like a little pamphlet
[10:52]that says here are the symptoms to watch out for.
[10:55]This is, you know, you're not alone.
[10:57]Here's a number to reach out for for health,
[10:59]whether it's, you know, because when I was on bed rest,
[11:03]it wasn't, you know, I all started feeling
[11:06]who's part of prenatal anxiety
[11:09]and prenatal depression.
[11:11]Yeah.
[11:11]Somebody asked about that, and that, you know,
[11:14]because you're just a question, you're still pregnant.
[11:16]And pregnancy is not always this happy glorious time,
[11:20]and I think it's okay to acknowledge that.
[11:23]It's true.
[11:24]I have my twin pregnancy for my next pregnancy,
[11:26]which wasn't until six years later, the whole time.
[11:28]I was like, I cannot believe I can be out and about.
[11:31]I can't believe I get to go to this.
[11:32]I can't believe I get to go to that.
[11:34]Like, I just couldn't believe that I was like a pregnant
[11:36]woman out in the world, just like living my normal life
[11:40]and that that's what a lot of people's experiences like.
[11:43]But anyway, I don't mean to, I mean,
[11:45]the pregnancy, of course, was the vehicle for your story,
[11:48]but it was not the whole story.
[11:49]So I don't want to make people think this book is only
[11:51]about that, but of course, that is a central piece of it.
[11:55]The list for everything that happens,
[11:57]because life doesn't really happen one thing at a time,
[12:02]right?
[12:03]Life happens all together.
[12:04]So I'm pregnant on bed rest.
[12:06]We've also just bought this new business.
[12:08]The house is also falling down.
[12:10]We're also having their problems.
[12:12]So bed rest is kind of the catalyst,
[12:14]but so much happens to people all the time.
[12:17]And it's just really dealing with it
[12:19]and what more for me.
[12:21]So true.
[12:22]My gosh, you won the dairy farm.
[12:23]It's like, I can't believe it.
[12:26]I'm also really interested in the journey of your writing
[12:30]this book, because I read in your acknowledgements,
[12:31]how it even started, and how at one point you had a draft
[12:34]like in a plastic bag, which is like through somewhere.
[12:37]So tell me a little bit about becoming the author of the book.
[12:43]Yeah, so just to speak about the plastic bag,
[12:45]so I do this when something scares me.
[12:48]And like a contract, even if it's a good contract
[12:52]or something like that, or a manuscript or an article,
[12:55]I wrap it up in plastic, and I shove it into a really big
[12:59]armoire in the back, that'll protect me from it.
[13:03]So it's just a funny thing I do.
[13:06]I'm like, OK, we're just going to get this as far away.
[13:09]We're going to put a massive piece of wood
[13:12]cherry wood between me and this manuscript for a while.
[13:15]But yes, so the process is that there
[13:17]was no real process.
[13:19]What happened was I started this book club for moms,
[13:23]and we read the happiness project.
[13:25]And we're half of it or parts of it,
[13:27]because that's all we had time for is moms don't have time
[13:30]to read, right?
[13:30]So after that, I was like, hey, it's been five years
[13:35]and holding on to this trauma.
[13:36]And I want to tell this story, and I want to help other women,
[13:40]because I think hundreds of thousands of women
[13:44]a year are put on bed rest.
[13:45]And there's almost no research about it.
[13:49]And the research is very conflicting.
[13:52]And I just want to give people ideas
[13:55]about what to do when they're on bed rest.
[13:58]Like, for example, having a tray table was a life changer, right?
[14:01]I mean, so that's actually how the book started.
[14:05]And I had a friend who was like, hey, I think you should go for it.
[14:08]And honestly, if she had said, I was so ambivalent at the time,
[14:11]if she had said, yeah, that's not a good idea.
[14:13]I would probably have not pursued it.
[14:16]So it's really important to put people around you
[14:18]that believe in you, sometimes more than you believe in yourself.
[14:21]And I just started writing.
[14:23]And I was full-time momming.
[14:25]And so I would write in the school parking lot,
[14:29]like I'd scribble notes, like waiting for a pickup
[14:32]or in the grocery store line or the doctor's office
[14:36]and for a really long time, and it took 10 years
[14:41]to write this book.
[14:42]And we're really long time, I didn't give it a priority.
[14:46]And finally, I realized, hey, I deserve some time each day.
[14:51]So I, instead of putting it at the bottom of my list,
[14:55]I put writing at the top of my list and that changed everything.
[14:58]And every, my list still got done, right?
[15:00]Or maybe it didn't.
[15:02]And that's okay.
[15:03]That's okay, because now I have this book
[15:05]that I'm really proud of.
[15:06]Well, I mean, that's it with really all of the things.
[15:10]I mean, this whole thing is a joke, right?
[15:11]Not a joke, but that moms don't have time to whatever.
[15:14]Because we all have time.
[15:15]And we just have to figure out how to use it.
[15:17]And of course, with kids and jobs and everything else,
[15:19]like our available free time is limited and limited.
[15:23]But if you want to write and you want to make that a job,
[15:27]like if you want to, like, things,
[15:30]other things have to give, you know,
[15:31]something always has to give, right?
[15:33]Like you're not going to watch TV
[15:36]or you're not going to be on Instagram for a day.
[15:37]But maybe that's the day you write, or I think we all
[15:40]have to sort of trick ourselves into making the time
[15:42]for the things that are important.
[15:44]And if it's putting it in our calendars,
[15:45]or it's putting it on the top of it to do this,
[15:48]or something, or finding a partner to, you know,
[15:52]Gretchen Rubin, and I love how you mentioned
[15:54]they're happy to project even in your book, as you did now.
[15:57]But I feel like I've had this life-changing thing
[15:59]about her four tendencies.
[16:00]Did you read that book or four tendencies?
[16:03]Go, like, take the quiz or whatever.
[16:05]But it identified me as one of these four types,
[16:07]which is a blider, which means that, like,
[16:09]I can do anything professionally,
[16:11]or that needs to be done for somebody else.
[16:12]It'll always be on time, and I'll get it done.
[16:14]But when it comes to the stuff for myself,
[16:16]and in that, I include, like, even my friends
[16:19]or my husband or whatever, like,
[16:20]that all, like, falls by the way side,
[16:22]because I view that a me thing, and that can wait.
[16:24]And I need to do that.
[16:26]I need, like, reinforcement or accountability, or something.
[16:29]So I think that's the same thing.
[16:31]I think that's why book clubs are so important, right?
[16:34]We want to read, so we make a book club.
[16:36]Like, you want to write, like,
[16:38]you have a writing review, even, like,
[16:39]named your writing group after your friends or whatever.
[16:41]So if you know that you are somebody
[16:43]who needs that extra level of accountability,
[16:46]there's no shame to it.
[16:47]And in fact, she said it's the most pervasive personality type.
[16:50]So I feel like I just got this free pass.
[16:53]Like, I thought it was a weakness of mine
[16:55]that I needed help.
[16:57]But actually, it's super common, and we all need help.
[16:59]And so how great is that?
[17:01]So anyway, maybe that helps with that.
[17:04]I also think that to giving ourselves, as mom's permission,
[17:08]to do things for ourselves, and not for ourselves last.
[17:10]Because ultimately, when I've spent a couple of hours
[17:14]writing, I'm so much more present, I'm not more.
[17:17]Well, you know, I'm doing something that's important to me.
[17:21]And I think we have to give ourselves permission
[17:24]to be kind to ourselves, too.
[17:26]Yeah.
[17:27]Yeah.
[17:27]That's true.
[17:28]That's true.
[17:29]So having gone through this process of maybe it's a book,
[17:34]maybe it's not, now it is, now it's out.
[17:36]So what does that feel like to you?
[17:38]Like, what is the sensation of looking at the finished thing?
[17:45]And it's amazing to see this book went through so many drafts.
[17:51]And so there was this time in my writing group,
[17:56]we spread it out on my friend's giant table
[17:58]chapter by chapter, and weaved in all these threads.
[18:02]And in one of the initial drafts, my father
[18:05]wasn't as big a theme, but it was there.
[18:08]And so someone suggested making, you know,
[18:12]so it was more about bed rest at that point.
[18:15]And someone said, you know, there's more to this.
[18:17]So let's pull out the themes and explore them.
[18:21]And so it was so obvious that that was the one that really
[18:24]needed to come out.
[18:26]And so the part about my father was weaved in afterwards,
[18:30]actually.
[18:30]So that wasn't in the earlier drafts.
[18:33]So it's really been such an exploration of not only
[18:37]a writing process and, of course, my life, you know,
[18:39]and how things unfold and how things relate.
[18:42]And I learned so much about my family of origin,
[18:45]writing this book.
[18:46]So it's been life changing.
[18:48]And also what I can handle as a person, right?
[18:52]And how I can survive and what I can get through
[18:55]and how, and the wisdom that I've taken from that.
[18:59]Very interesting.
[19:00]So does this, has this inspired you to write another book?
[19:05]So that's like the million dollar question.
[19:08]So before this, I'm a children's book author and a journalist.
[19:12]And so I just had this other book come out a year ago
[19:15]called We Got Game, 35 female athletes who
[19:18]changed the world.
[19:19]And so that's doing well.
[19:21]And I love writing for children.
[19:23]And I'd love to do another children's book.
[19:24]But I'm also a journalist.
[19:27]And so yes, there's definitely a feeling that as soon as I'm,
[19:32]I feel like I put as much energy I can into marketing this book
[19:36]and publicizing it, I definitely want to do another book.
[19:39]And I think it's also going to revolve around women's health
[19:44]and making sure women are seen and heard.
[19:47]And I think it might have to do with Harry Menopas
[19:50]and Menopas.
[19:52]I think I want to bring in other voices
[19:55]and talk to women about their experiences
[19:58]because I think for.
[20:00]this book, what I've heard the most, is that women want to tell their stories. And, you know,
[20:06]there is, I was in the gym, and it seems to always happen in the gym. And, you know, you,
[20:11]you work out in the gym and you kind of know people and you're friendly, but you're not like
[20:16]talking a lot. And I'm standing there lifting weights, and this woman comes up to me and we
[20:22]start talking about my book. She hadn't read it yet. And within five minutes, she's telling me
[20:27]like all about her fine grades. And, and I know for years in how her fine, you know, how she had
[20:34]all these surgeries and all this pain. And we never discussed it. And it just poured out of her. And so
[20:40]I think the one thing this book is doing is opening up a conversation and allowing people to
[20:46]tell their stories and discuss their trauma and release it because that is so important.
[20:53]Very true. Are you reading anything good yourself? Hi, I am. I'm reading,
[20:59]I'm reading quite a few things. I have bomb shelter right here by Mary Laura.
[21:05]Yeah, I'm sorry about it. You were so on actually. So, right on my desk, there's the
[21:12]man, the menopause manifesto is also on my desk. And I'm reading Alexis pages work.
[21:19]I always get it wrong. It's work hard, not smart. And, you know, it's about craft writing. So,
[21:25]yeah, so I have a lot of books in my TBR pile. And I switched it back and forth. So, awesome.
[21:32]Love it. Amazing. Bailey and thank you so much. This has been so fun. Thank you for
[21:37]braving your, you know, discuss. But, you know, your current situation and doing this podcast
[21:44]anyway. And, you know, you have such a great voice on the page. Like, it comes through so clearly.
[21:51]And you're so likable. And it felt like, you know, sit. I mean, that's it. This is going to sound
[21:58]so hokey. It sounds like sitting down to coffee with a friend. But I really mean it. Like, this is
[22:02]one of those books where where you're just like, oh, she would be so fun to like, I just, you know,
[22:08]so anyway, it was great. But I'm so glad you said that because when I was writing this book,
[22:16]that really was my goal. Like, I wanted people to feel like they were talking to a friend on the
[22:21]back porch, having a cup of tea or glass of wine and chatting about life. And that's when we
[22:28]talk to our friends and get together and, you know, over cocktails or coffee in the morning or
[22:34]or whatever. That's when our stories come out. I'm so glad you got that from this book. Thank you so
[22:41]much. Oh, good. Awesome. All right. Well, great. Thank you so much. And, uh, feel better.
[22:47]Thank you so much for having me today. My pleasure. Bye. Bye.
[22:52]Thanks for listening to this episode of Moms Don't Have Time to Read Books. Don't forget to
[22:56]follow me on Instagram at Zebioans and at Moms Don't Have Time to Read Books. Also, sign
[23:01]up for my newsletter at Zebioans.com and sign up for my virtual book club and meet lots of
[23:06]authors on Zoom every other week. Thanks so much to Steve and Ryan in fact, texture sound for the
[23:10]sound editing. And thank you to Morning Moon Productions for providing this fantastic intro and
[23:15]now trim music.