Melissa Harris, ONE POUND, TWELVE OUNCES: A Preemie Mother's Story of Loss, Hope, and Triumph
[0:01]Hi, this is Ziggy Owens, and you're listening to the award-winning podcast.
[0:05]Moms don't have time to read books, and speaking of books, I have two of my own books coming out this spring and summer.
[0:12]Princess Charming is a picture book, which debuts on April 19th, and bookends, a memoir of love, loss, and literature.
[0:20]Comes out on July 1st, and it is truly a labor of love.
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[0:38]Enjoy the show!
[0:40]Melissa Harris is the author of £1.12 ounces, a premium mom's story of loss, hope, and triumph.
[0:46]Melissa is a single mother of two children living in Oakland, California, where she was raised.
[0:51]She was on the fast track to being a partner in a mid-sized ad agency when she gave birth to her second son Sam and the trajectory of her life chain.
[0:57]Melissa is now a work-from-home account manager for two virtual creative agencies in the Bay Area.
[1:03]In her free time, she drives kids from activities to appointments to play dates, volunteers at the neonatal intensive care unit at Alta Bay Hospital, where Sam was born and helps her Congresswoman fight for better health care for all Americans.
[1:14]She lives in Oakland, California.
[1:16]Welcome, Melissa.
[1:17]Thanks so much for coming, and moms don't have time to read books to discuss one pound 12 ounces, a premium other story of loss, hope, and triumph.
[1:26]Thank you. I'm really excited to be here.
[1:29]By the way, I was surprised in the book when the doctor found out that your baby was £1.12 ounces, and he was like, wow, that's great.
[1:38]I thought that it would be sad that that was so small, but instead he's like, what a triumph, what a victory that you got to £1.12 ounces, which is amazing.
[1:46]It was, I mean, as a person who was not in the best mental shape at that point, I kept going, what are you talking about?
[1:54]One pound, you know, I'm going, oh god, one pound 12 ounces, and he's like, wow, that's fantastic. I'm like, okay, dude.
[2:02]I thought he was a little crazy, but I wasn't going to say it since he was, you know, sewing me up and such.
[2:08]Wow. Well, you have had quite a journey to say the least.
[2:13]I'm so sorry for all that you've been through, and yet so just in admiration of your determination and everything that a mother will do to like bring children into the world.
[2:27]You know, it's just inspiring. It's like your strength to get through all of the stuff is. Thank you. It tested me a lot throughout. I mean, it's it was just even getting to the second child.
[2:41]Like, I had never heard of such a thing as secondary infertility.
[2:46]I went up with my first. I was like, I want a baby. I was pregnant. I'm going to give birth. I gave birth. I mean, it was other than the fact that I, you know, she was stuck on one side. We figured out and I had to have a C section.
[2:58]I mean, my pregnancy. The first time was like textbook. Nothing to write home about. And then the second one was like holy cow.
[3:10]Two or three miscarriages, depending on how you classify the twin miscarriage.
[3:16]And then, you know, almost losing this one and having to sit in a hospital lie at a 30 degree angle in a hospital bed for six days to try to get him to the point where he would survive. I mean, it was it was a lot.
[3:31]There was one, there was one line when you were just like, you had your whole mama bear thing up. It says when Peter came back, I told him my goals. I know we will get to the 24 week mark.
[3:40]But I've decided I'm not going to have this baby until I am 30 weeks pregnant. Melissa, you know, you don't know that. No, you don't know that Peter responded.
[3:48]Like, hell, I don't. I will not have this baby yet. I angry cried in Peter. He decided the safest thing was to let me believe that I had total control over things.
[4:00]Lies man. Very wise man. Yeah, obviously, I was wrong. I did not. I did not make it to that 30 weeks. But I did. I had my goal. I had to get to 24. I made it two days past that.
[4:12]So I achieved at least one of the goals. I mean, there's no, my body was not going to handle it. I couldn't.
[4:20]Can't lie in what's called Trandellenberg for that long. I mean, I had they'd upgraded me to mattresses. They put for people in long-term comas to try and make me comfortable.
[4:31]But I wasn't allowed to move without help. I, you know, had to eat lying in this position when I was allowed to eat.
[4:38]I mean, one of my favorite things is the vision of me lying there licking oatmeal. I was going to say that licking food. That was crazy. Oh, my gosh.
[4:46]It worked better than the spoon. I mean, it was my fault for ordering things like oatmeal and soup.
[4:52]But hospital food, those are usually the safest. But yeah, I mean, it was, it was quite the experience.
[4:59]Not only were you going through all this, but of course you had your daughter, but you were already having to parent and deal with her setbacks and during like your first miscarriage.
[5:09]And I'm so sorry for all of those losses when you were, you know, part of your sadness when you left the screening was thinking you were about to tell her about her new baby sibling and then having to actually leave and be like,
[5:21]well, not only that now I'm disappointing like it's like the narrative you'd written it to make her happy that was also robbed from you.
[5:30]She is a remarkable kid. She's 16 now and the things that she has experienced in her short life and the maturity that she's brought to it. She's a pretty remarkable kid.
[5:42]And I think the experiences have made her extremely empathetic in caring and unfortunately she had to age up faster than she probably should have, but we've always joked she was an old soul from birth. So I think she was well attuned to doing it.
[6:02]And then since this you've also gone through a divorce. So when did that happen? So Sam who is my second child who is now 11 and doing wonderful. I was like to remind people of that. Okay. Great.
[6:13]Sam was three. So it's been a while and and it was we were having troubles all throughout, but when Sam was three was when we finally decided that divorce was the best thing for the kids and us.
[6:26]I'm sorry. I don't mean to pray. I'm going to go a different direction. I don't see by the way that I don't I'm not one to filter all answer any question there. I, you know, once you have a premium and you're in a hospital nursing for 95 days and all these things.
[6:40]Like you're your sense of what is crying, what isn't goes way off the window. When did you decide this was going to be a book. Did you know all along like did you were you keeping notes the whole time. How did this happen.
[6:52]So it started with the block when after I had Sam and I was lying in the hospital is the first time I was kind of alone. My brother at the time was living in Africa and I needed to find a way to tell him what was happening because of the time difference.
[7:08]And I decided it is a letter to him, which went on for about six pages and I sent it. And he said, you know, there's a lot of people in the family around the world, we have family sort of spread out.
[7:20]He's like, you should post this on like a blog or something so everyone can get updated.
[7:26]I started a blog that night and then every day in the NICU, you are just bombarded with information and you don't have time to process it.
[7:36]And so I started writing as my therapy. I would come home from being in the NICU all day with the neonatal intensive care unit for those that don't know.
[7:46]And I would write what had happened that day and I would just sort of pour out the trauma and the experiences and put it down on, you know, the page and it would kind of release a lot of the pain because it wasn't just sitting in me.
[8:02]Every day I wrote that while Sam was in the hospital and then I continued writing for a while and a friend of mine who is a bookseller here in Oakland, lovely little bookstore great good place for books for anyone interested.
[8:17]Melissa, your story is important. People need to hear this and a lot of it was, you know, miscarriage and infertility and prematurity is more common than people know, but it suffered kind of in silence people don't talk about it.
[8:34]And she was like, you you're a very good writer you're very personable. I want you to write a book.
[8:40]I encouraged me and pushed me and I'm very grateful to her because I I'm really proud of this but I'm also proud of kind of the hope that I have that this will help others come out of the shadows and talk about their experiences so it's less stigmatized going forward for others.
[8:59]I feel many people know someone who's had kids in the NICU or you know, I had twins myself and was sure they would end up in the NICU and just by they just ended up not, but that I've been with girlfriends as they've been with their kids and it's, you know, it's an environment that you don't soon forget.
[9:17]I mean, you know, it's like a whole, it's hard to just like breeze in and out. Let me just put it like it's exactly.
[9:41]But even the short termers that are there under 10 days are affected deeply by this experience.
[9:48]It's something like one in eight babies in the United States are born premature.
[9:53]And that's a staggering number and that doesn't even talk about like the number women that go through infertility or the number of women that suffer miscarriage.
[10:00]And so, I mean, it's, this is so common and so not talked about, but with the NICU, I made one really, really good friend in the NICU and she and I always joke that we're foxhole buddies and it's like, you know, we went through a war together and we came out and.
[10:17]And we are the bestest of friends because we have seen each other at our worst and at our best and experience this.
[10:27]Horrible place, wonderful, horrible place.
[10:31]And like or you've gone through your own PTSD as a result of all this.
[10:36]Tell me more about that.
[10:38]You know, I didn't really realize it was actually PTSD until later.
[10:43]You know, there's things when you go to the NICU have to wash your hands as all of us in COVID now hand washing is very important.
[10:49]In the NICU it's a it's a ritual if you leave the room that your babies in you have to wash again and so, and it's not just it's the COVID wash, but a little more you have to dig under your fingernails and around the nail bed and it's a big ritual.
[11:04]Hospital soap smell so I was my mother was having surgery and I was in the hospital to go visit her in the ICU she was having triple bypass and I had to wash my hands and the smell of the soap and I started kind of having.
[11:18]Tremors and trouble breathing and then I went into her room and she had all the monitors like my son had in the beeping and I had to go to a corner and kind of settle down and I talked to a therapist about it and.
[11:31]She's like, Melissa, how could you not have PTSD think about everything you've been through leading up to Sam the six days before you had him, the 95 days in the hospital, how could you not.
[11:46]And you know, I know what my triggers are now and I'm just very careful and I'm just kind of myself about it.
[11:53]And how, how does it, what is it like in your family having this story sort of sitting on top of you, like does it how much.
[12:03]Like what is it like when you're just are you just regular is just regular mom life blah blah blah or how often does it come up or how often to Sam like what is his understanding and and how does all that work.
[12:15]Up until I read the book his understanding was minimal.
[12:19]When I got my arcs, I was up with my parent my dad and my dad left a copy of the book on the coffee table and went to the bathroom and came back in the book was missing.
[12:30]And then hour and a half later we finally found Sam hiding in a closet reading it.
[12:34]So he is now read the book probably nine times he knows it backwards and forwards and he.
[12:42]I think it's been good for him to understand, you know, what went into having him and how much we wanted him and how lucky he is to be alive and he feels very proud.
[12:55]to talk about who he's the star the books about me on the star.
[12:59]I think for Irene it's been a little hard, you know, I wrote a book about her brother and not about her like yeah, you come off really good in the book.
[13:07]Yeah.
[13:08]I think for all of us, the book, you know, my mother passed in 2018 and I've been working on the book and she read quite a few iterations of it.
[13:16]And I think for all of us it was a good release like it was a chance for all of us to kind of contribute like, you know, she was an editor at first and she would put in they all you should talk about this you totally didn't talk about this and so.
[13:29]I think for all of us a little bit of us are represented in the book and now we're just sort of proud that we went through it we survived it and we're stronger.
[13:37]Wow that's beautiful.
[13:39]How is your relationship to writing now do you are you do you still journal all the time or are you kind of over it or what's going on I still journal because what I learned through all this is journaling is a great form of therapy.
[13:53]Some things I write that are just for me and others I write and I post it's just such a great way to process everything anything you're thinking anything you're feeling if you're unsure what to do with it right it.
[14:05]I have to send it to anyone who doesn't have to be published but just putting it on paper.
[14:11]Is very liberating and I do I guess post for people and you know I really I feel very galvanized with this book to especially with all the attacks that are going on on women's reproductive rights right now to really champion.
[14:26]Sort of this message of you know truth telling and why getting.
[14:32]Miss carriage and infertility and prematurity and women's it's just it's all so important.
[14:39]And so I feel very I don't know mission oriented to use a horrible marketing term, but I just I just feel galvanized I feel emboldened to to use this voice that I have to try and help.
[14:52]And Sam has no health lingering stuff or what so for he had let's see a little bit of gastrointestinal issues because his body didn't develop.
[15:03]As well, but that's self resolved he had what's known as ROP so great trivia question Stevie wonder is blind because.
[15:13]premature and had ROP right not the pre maturity and lost his eyesight Sam was lucky enough to be born in this era and had laser surgery on his eyes which saved his eyesight but he's you know near sighted.
[15:27]Who isn't.
[15:29]One is autistic and you know when you are brain when he was born at 24 weeks you know everyone's seen a picture of what a brain looks like his was one organ and it was smooth.
[15:40]It hadn't divided into chambers and all the like curvy things that were all used to hadn't developed yet so all of that was developed in an unnatural environment.
[15:49]But I attribute to you know him being autistic but he's you know he's great he's funny he's healthy he has no lung issues he had no brain bleeds he has no his heart he had heart surgery in the NICU and has been fine ever since like he if you lined him up and said okay pick out the pre me.
[16:11]people feel like not that kid, I mean he's he's a remarkable 11 year old.
[16:17]Amazing that's such such a blessing and by the way that time also when he accidentally when your husband actually your ex has been.
[16:25]Yeah, you know it's funny in that moment it could have been me, he fell asleep holding the baby and.
[16:36]It was horrifying, I mean he ended up with three skull fractures if you're going to get skull fractures as a baby do it before your skull plates of fused.
[16:46]They were the right kind of fractures they weren't depressed they were displaced, but yeah it was terrifying.
[16:53]Absolutely terrifying and let's say you just did through a lot of you've been through so much this is so harrowing just to have life with children, if you will right yeah.
[17:05]it's, you know, like your children is exhausting and morning and exhausting all at the same time.
[17:14]Well, I am sorry for everything you've gone through but again, as I said it first like.
[17:19]I find your story so inspiring and hopeful and such a good lesson for everybody who is struggling with any part of this process and like you said there are so many parts that can be roadblocks from fertility them is
[17:34]to pre maturity to so many other things so anyway I just really appreciate your sharing your story and and helping people get through the time that they're having with your words.
[17:47]Well, I appreciate that that was really that was my hope and goal in writing it that I just I mean part of it is when I had Sam I looked for books to because I knew nothing.
[18:01]And every book I found was either written by a medical professional who had had a premium and so is writing it kind of like I'm a doctor so I can explain this.
[18:10]Or this is God's will and it's in God's hands and trust in God and I was like I just want someone to tell me straight like this is going to suck then it's going to be good then it's going to suck and it's going to be okay.
[18:22]And there was nothing out there like that.
[18:26]So that was a driver for me as well.
[18:29]And I remember when my kids weren't sleeping when my twins weren't sleeping not that they sleep great now.
[18:34]Well, one of them does I guess anyway they're almost 15 but when they were little and I went to jury duty ones I remember going to find a noble on my way and picking up like 12 books on like how to get your kid to sleep better.
[18:45]And now that I'm like at this point and I still have bad sleepers and everything I'm like I should just like I should just read a book that's like only bribery will work like just give up now.
[18:58]Yeah, it's just going to be bad just like get to just like put the book down and like listen to music because it's just going to be bad for well and then you're going to get through it.
[19:07]It's true it's very true I've given up my my 16 year olds a terrible sleeper and I'm just like that's going to be on you I'm still going to wake you up on time.
[19:16]Yeah, you know either sleep or don't I can't control it anymore.
[19:22]Well, okay well having written the book do you have any advice for aspiring authors.
[19:27]My main advice is right just right right for you first then go from there I sent out a hundred query letters.
[19:36]Well, I got 99 rejections okay it doesn't matter how many rejections you get if you get one yes.
[19:43]And even if you don't there are other avenues for you and there's hybrid publishing there's independent and there's self published there's no shame in any of that so right what you want to write and get it published whatever way you can because someone out there needs your.
[20:00]book. Needs your words, needs to hear from you. I love that. I love it. Well, 1%. I mean,
[20:06]there you go. You still look amazing. Thank you so much. Thanks for coming on and I really
[20:13]appreciate it. All the best, really. Thank you very much. Okay. Thank you. Bye bye.
[20:20]Hi, I'm City Owens and you're listening to the award-winning podcast. Moms don't have time to
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