Mena Suvari, THE GREAT PEACE: A Memoir

[1:39]Zibby Owens: Hi. This is Zippy Owens, and you're listening to the award winning podcast, Moms Don't Have Time to Read Books. I'm also the host of Moms Don't Have Time to Lose Weight, and I'm the editor of the anthology, which you should run out and buy called Moms Don't Have A Quarantine Anthology. All proceeds of that book go to COVID nineteen vaccine research. And I'm the editor in chief of Moms Don't Have Time to Write, a new publication on Medium, and we're accepting submissions, so please send your personal essays there. If all that isn't enough, you can follow me on Instagram ZibbyOwens and my website is zibbyowens.com. Okay, now back to this amazing podcast. Mina Suvari is the author of The A Memoir. Mina is an award winning actor whose credits include American Beauty, American Pie, Six Feet Under, Chicago Fire, and American Horror Story, among many others. She currently lives in Los Angeles. Mina and I did this interview together in person in LA. And it was so fun. And we had this huge camera crew around us, which you can see pictures of on my Instagram account at zivieowens. And we are releasing it also as a really highly produced, beautiful, little talk showy thing. So stay tuned on Instagram to see that and so you can watch her talk in person. But listen to this because it was a really amazing event. We did it with BookSoup, which is one of my favorite bookstores, and I used to go and, like, wander in BookSoup all the time in my twenties when I lived in LA and didn't really know anybody. And now it's so great because here I am in my forties, and I get to go back and do a virtual event for BookSoup with an amazing actress who I remember watching in American Pie around the time I was aimlessly wandering in the bookstore. So there you go. Enjoy our conversation. Mina is absolutely amazing.

[5:34]Zibby Owens: Thank you. Hi. Hi. This is so fun. I wanna make sure I say your name right because in the book, you have when someone pronounces it too long, like Mina, and I was like, I don't wanna say it. That was a terrible scene. I'm gonna, like,

[5:48]Mena Suvari: pronounce it that way. I'm kidding. Never be that person. Okay. No. Yeah. Mina Suvari. Yeah. No. I'm kidding. Was It's a very it's a weird one. I technically have an umlaut over the u. Wow. Yes. I haven't had a lot of umlauts in my life lately. So it's I used to write my name with a a line over the e when I was younger cause I was so upset by being called Menel.

[6:10]Zibby Owens: Interesting. I felt like I'd prove my point if I wrote it that way. Mina, thank you for writing this beautiful memoir and sharing all of your life story. When people talk about putting your life on the page, that is what you did, check plus, here it is, bearing your soul, going back into it, like, I mean, maybe there's a lot you didn't say, but it feels as if a lot of it got into the book. Well,

[6:36]Mena Suvari: I did write too much because I technically was writing in the wrong format. I've never done this Well, since we all are familiar with this here, probably know text edit, right? So I wasn't, you know, I was in the wrong format. So I was thinking that I had to write X amount of words or get to a particular place. I just kept writing and writing and writing, and it was too much. We actually had to shape some of it back. But no, I don't think maybe a few small things, but I think I really put out a lot

[7:16]Zibby Owens: of it. So a lot of people call that brave or they say things like that. Sometimes it comes from this place of needing to do it. You, in the book, said that you found all your old diaries and that triggered you to wanna write your whole story now that you're at a very different place in your life. Then you also at the end talk about how Me Too is of the moment and maybe this is your time. What was it? Why now? Why write it now? I mean, was really those things and more. I feel like it was definitely a process. It was really like a cocktail of so many things that went into the mix. I feel like first and foremost, I had enough.

[7:53]Mena Suvari: I needed to talk. I needed to get that out. I needed to express myself. And I think what I try to communicate in the book is is finding that voice. For me, I think learning or coming to learn and believe that I always had one and finding it again. So there was this very big need for me to talk. And so that's originally how this manifested or came out of me. And of course finding my diary, I found a suicide note. I mean, of these things really got me thinking. I realized how, you know, and looking back that my life only got worse after writing that note. And I also had a red binder that I had made back then, which I had entitled The Great Peace. And it was basically my poems and some short stories that I had, literally typed up on a typewriter. It was probably like almost 60 loose pages. And I thought, you know, I'll just publish that because I felt like I was ready to make some kind of move, but maybe I felt like, oh, it's like safer in some way. And then, just sitting down, I sat down with a friend and shared the binder with them. And then in doing so, I shared some of the stories around some of the poems. Because some of the poems I've even, you know, time stamped or, like, dedicated to a specific person. And and so when I shared some of those stories, they really encouraged me to tell all of it and share it as a memoir and then incorporate some of the poetry in there. And so then I thought, okay. You know, I sat back with that and I guess I just didn't I I couldn't think about it too much. I felt like it was just something that I I just felt so compelled. I needed to do this. And I know that that's weird. I never thought that I would write a book. I never thought that I was that kind of person. I never thought I had something to say or anyone would ever care. That's what so much of this book's about.

[9:57]Zibby Owens: But here we are. I mean, I don't think it's like I don't think it's weird. I think you you Well, I mean, I'm sort of, like, challenging

[10:04]Mena Suvari: all of that. I'm, like, breaking that mold. I'm I was thinking about this earlier, and it was, like, the way that I view it is because I I try to touch upon spirituality, like what it means to me in my life, like how I live my life. And there's so much of this. It just feels like I'm giving it back. It just feels like thank you. I've been sitting with this for so long and I don't need it anymore. It's not serving me and you can have it back. Now I want to do something with it. It's just been this incredible process because there's so much more in addition that's come out of now promoting it and talking about it and other people sharing with me.

[10:47]Zibby Owens: It's a really beautiful thing. I'm very happy and I'm more than honored to be that person. That's great. I'm really struck, and I was time and again in your book, by your ability to compartmentalize. So you have even what we're not even doing when we were just chatting, like, Are you nervous about this? And you're like, Well, no. You took so much of your life and just shoved it away and then projected a different facade, which I feel like so many women in particular can relate to. You just hide your stuff and you look okay to the outside and no one really knows the depths of pain or what you're going through. And not only could you do that, but when you're acting, you could just become a totally different person and channel whatever you needed to. And I feel like you related so much to the characters. You had whole chapters about them. I feel like you really inhabited them and they meant something to you along the way. So tell me about that. When did you first use that as a coping mechanism or did you even notice? And do you feel like it's gotten any better now? Do you feel like now especially that this has all come out that the walls have come down a little? Or do you think you're still good at putting stuff away, tucking it? God, so many questions. Sorry, sorry.

[12:00]Mena Suvari: I mean, definitely I think it's important to note that, I mean, this work isn't over for me for sure, and I'm not an expert. It's not like I just, like, wrap this up, and I'm like, this is what I learned, and here you go, everyone, and good luck. I'm still doing the work. I have always talked about how I feel that art saved my life because it gave me that that outlet. I don't believe I knew that at the time. I was very unaware. I think I try to communicate that in the book of that process of awakening. Right? And the individuals that helped me see that. Seagal and, you know, who talked to me or introduced me to therapy, things like this. So I think a lot of it is sort of, I don't know, kind of being in the survival mode. I don't think I could safely say that I was aware of the security, the importance that work gave to me at that moment. I think I try to bring that also into the book as well, is just to show that with my spirituality, I feel that like there's always this constant communication. And so I was trying to touch upon that is that I feel like there was always something that kind of came in at the time where I needed it. And my view that very much is my work, a particular role that would come in and challenge me or it was because I try to always look for the opportunity. So that's how I see it. I feel like there was an opportunity given to me that, like, just got me by each moment. And so I guess in the book, as I'm trying to isolate those moments, I'm trying to show how each one got me to the next step. Wow. So I could talk on all of those. Like, they all meant something different. Right? Each project, each character, each story. Right? Depends on, like, what it was. But for sure, I mean, I I feel like there was always that gift of what professionally was going to come into my life. Interesting. Can I read this one paragraph? It's towards the beginning, but it was so well written. You're a really good writer. Mean, I know you

[14:20]Zibby Owens: talk sort of offhandedly. I think my brother would call it, like, a humble brag or something like that, but you're obviously, like, a humble brag, you know, when, you kinda, like, put something in. But, like, you're clearly, like, super smart. Right? You did so well in school when you were focused, and you could have been anything. No, this means lot to me because I wasn't

[14:40]Mena Suvari: received very well in English class and writing and things like this. So again, that's why those doubts were always there. I never thought I could, you know Well, I'm going read this and we can just prove that you're a great writer.

[14:52]Zibby Owens: You said, That's how it was deep down in the marrow of my bones where no one could get, no matter how they ripped into my flesh. I held onto my dreams and the hope I had for myself. I looked for the beauty that was all around me, compelled to see it no matter how hard it was to find. I knew there was a glimmer of light that I could follow through the darkness. I never got the apologies I wanted from the people who hurt me, but I came to understand they were necessary for my well-being. I needed only one person's forgiveness. This is her story. Mhmm. That's powerful. That's really great. Thanks. Don't you? I mean, I don't does that sound bad? I mean

[15:29]Zibby Owens: Yeah. It's it's it's very true. Do you feel like I know writing has been a balm to you in this time, and you talked about your time in the library and reading and all of that. Like, is there any of this adding to the literature and how books have helped you? I feel like for me, books have always helped me so much. Want to give back to thank all the books in a way, but I feel like they serve that role for you too. Oh, definitely. Because I feel like it's all about communication. That's why we're here. I'm very much about

[16:01]Mena Suvari: the spoken word and, I mean, language in and of itself and the power that it holds. I have that tattoo, word sound power. You know? I'm very much about that. For sure, I feel like I don't know. I believe that there is power in sharing. That's just what I experienced. It's just simply that I felt like I wanted to I needed to do this for myself, but I also was so completely inspired by the way that everyone that I've experienced in my life has shared with me and been so fearless.

[16:40]Zibby Owens: Well, I feel like you had so many moments of trauma in your life that you didn't necessarily label as such, but that were. Starting from the very beginning. Starting with everything that happened with men. I mean, it could just be abuse that you went through, or getting over drugs, or all these things that happened. But honestly, I was so taken the accident you had on your retreat with getting thrown from the horse and thinking you were never gonna move again and having to be carried on a stretcher I out of the know, it's one of a

[17:15]Mena Suvari: trillion traumas, but that was, I think, one of the more recent ones. That couldn't have been two. Well, anyway. Yeah. Yeah. But that's what I mean about forgiveness is I feel like I mean, this is something I was thinking about earlier and, you know, it was like mystifying as for people they didn't quite understand that. I guess I viewed it as like, again, in relation to my most important relationship I feel with the universe is that I feel like I got to this point where I just saw how I was the one who was consistently abusing myself in a way and holding myself back. Because I'd had so many moments like that. I fell off a 30 foot cliff when I was eight. I didn't break a bone. And so I was trying to communicate how there's been these moments where I felt so completely lost and so abandoned, but yet I never was. Because there was always something beautiful that was given to me. There's always just enough, whether it was something personal, a friend or someone that I met, or a professional work opportunity. There was always a little gift that just got me by. It gave me just enough to see that. And in the book, I talk about my second husband. I talk about how being able to work on American Horror Story Mhmm. Was like just another example of, you know, making me feel good enough about myself to take the next step. Yeah. So I feel like it's like you've done everything you could

[18:37]Zibby Owens: to destroy yourself. Right? Everything. You've got and it's it's almost reading the book like a miracle that you're even, like, sitting here. Do you like I think I tried I fought and I tried to prove that no one cared about me.

[18:49]Mena Suvari: I think I put a lot of effort into trying to prove that my existence didn't matter. That's how I saw it. And so from macro, I just had too many of these moments where it was just, how did I come out of that alive? And that really put me in this place of like, what am I doing and why am I here? And, you know, how am I really appreciating and valuing my life? So those were those moments for me. Like, I didn't die in Costa Rica, but yet I'm sitting here in what I referred to as my poopy diapers, feeling bad for myself and waiting maybe for an apology. That's not and it never got me anywhere. And so that's why it's, trying to communicate that moment of, you know, why now?

[19:39]Zibby Owens: Because I've been sitting with it my whole life. So what do you think it is? What do you think what is your whole this is kind of a bigger question. But having gone through all this stuff, why has the universe not let you succumb to all the things that you've tried to do to yourself? I mean, like, why do you keep getting rescued? What is it about the the universe and nature and spirituality? Why what do you think? What is so know, and I'm trying to figure that out. And I feel like recently, was

[20:07]Mena Suvari: thinking on that because I am ever the Aquarian and trying to understand it. And I don't know. I was I was, like, feeling earlier coming here how it's like, really, I wanted to use the word pumped. Like, I'm pumped right now. I'm ready to go. That's how I see it. And I appreciate people saying, you know, I'm so sorry that you experienced that. That means a lot to me. I'm not in that space anymore. Like, now I'm ready to do the work. Now I'm ready to, know, I commit even more, stay committed and create the change

[20:42]Zibby Owens: that needs to come about. Mean, so that's exciting for me now. Well, you were like walking around with this heavy cloak on you. And now you've put it to the side finally. You're like ready to go. Yeah. I totally get it. So exciting for me because I've been sitting with that for so long.

[23:24]Zibby Owens: to I mean, was a lot of wrong done to you. Not just that you I know you say you brought it on yourself at times, but

[23:32]Mena Suvari: it's not like that. It actually was just a lot of really bad stuff happened to you. Well, because I always try to find my place in it. I think that's important for me. You know? This isn't like the blame game and I don't know. I've just never lived my life like that. I always try to find my place in it, you know? What I brought into it and I don't know. What I can how I can what additional work I need to do, right? I don't think it's so passive, but for sure, I mean, are big conversations because a lot of the work is me trying to understand, I think, you know, what kind of keeps us in places for longer than we would have hoped to be in them.

[24:18]Zibby Owens: I love the one moment where it was when you were still sort of living on the the queen-size mattress tucked in the corner with your stuff everywhere in this horrific, abusive relationship. And it was when you were mandated into bringing a third person into your relationship, whoever it was at all these different times. And you tried to bring this one woman in. As she's getting out, she was like, Mina, it doesn't have to be like this. Yeah. That's my friend Tracy. I mean, that's like it was such a moment. Like, I could just see you there by the car and her telling you that.

[24:48]Mena Suvari: First of all, you wrote it so well that obviously that's why I could see it. But like, what a statement and that it resonated with you so much, and you obviously, like, stored it away. I mean, I stored it away to the point where she doesn't even know about this book, and now we're talking about it. And she reached out to me, so we're going to have a conversation because we never even talked about that moment. She didn't even know how important of a person she was to me back then. So I thought that was pretty incredible after all these years. And that's what I mean about, like, the additional healing, the things that are coming out of this now, which I never would have expected. Because, I mean, I didn't tell anybody about it. Because I'm not that person. I didn't think, oh, I wrote a book, you know? Get ready, everyone. Like, I just it was something that I needed to do. I needed to tell my story, and that's just how it came about. But, you know so I'm learning how to embrace that. It's sort of mystifying to me. I got a few copies yesterday, and I'm sort of holding it like, wow. You know?

[25:53]Zibby Owens: Oh my gosh. And it was also interesting how you wrote about fame and how it kind of happened to you and how you were so, like, in your own world that, like, movies would come out and you're like, oh yeah, and then that movie came out and then all of a sudden I was recognized and yet nobody would know what was going on secretly

[26:10]Mena Suvari: in, you know, behind the curtain. Yet I was just trying to survive. I I just didn't I don't try to share that in like an, I don't know, a negative way, but that just wasn't my main focus. To be completely honest, I drew up plans to be an architect on grid paper when I was young, I had my archeological dig, or I chose medical research for career day. I didn't necessarily think I would become an actor and particularly famous. So that was very weird for me, you know, when all of that happened because, I mean, I'm still trying to figure out who I am because I think a lot of that happened at the point where and because of a lot of what was happening personally for me, that never got to happen on its own. I never got to develop that. It was all of a sudden just given fame. I was given this, like, identity over here. And so I I believe it wasn't, a healthy development of my own. So then there was like this disconnect of like, oh, wait a minute. If I'm this over here, I have to play into that because it doesn't equate with where I came from. That can't equate. This needs to this shiny thing must have come from this past. Right? So that's why I had to stay separate. I didn't think that that would be possible. I don't know. Maybe just that day and age, I didn't think we walked around like that of, you know, wearing our emotions and our hearts on our sleeves. So, yeah, I disconnected and I learned I went into survival mode. Yeah. So I love that you're, like, pumped for the next phase. Because honestly, no, you're so young. I mean, I think I don't know how exactly I'll do. I'm 42. I

[28:01]Zibby Owens: feel ancient. Thank you. I'm 44. But anyway, you're younger than me. So I'm gonna say you're young and you just had a baby, and that's so exciting. But you could do anything. I mean, you could do anything you want now. What do you wanna we all can do anything. Yes. That's a great statement. We can. What's like, what do you wanna do? Like, you could be an architect now. You could go do whatever you want. Like

[28:23]Mena Suvari: I love that. What would you want to do? I'm gonna call you when I need a Go ahead. Anytime. Advice. I mean, I honestly want to write more because, you know, I finished writing the great piece and I found out I was pregnant, which was everything, an absolute miracle surprise. I'm not surprised because of how I've laid my life out and how it's been chock full of challenges, how it's gone down when reading the great piece that my birth would only end up like that. Feel like I need to talk about that. I need to talk about that space postpartum because of the things that I experienced. I feel like in connection with The Great Peace there's just a lot that we don't talk about, a lot that we don't address. And so I never thought that that would happen because I never thought that I'd even write one book. But now I feel like there's so much more that I want to talk about in that space. Perhaps the great chaos.

[29:27]Zibby Owens: Is like parenting is like the anti peace. It's like, you know, the great disruption or something. I don't know. Yeah. No. I I have already the title and, like Oh, you do? Oh, you're ready to go? Oh my gosh. Yeah. Oh, you're, like, 10 steps out of it. It just it just sort of happened. Amazing. Because

[29:41]Mena Suvari: of how it went down, thought, Oh my gosh, well, I'm not surprised. Now I think I have to talk about this. I want to, because I just feel like there were a lot of things that weren't addressed.

[29:54]Zibby Owens: In terms of postpartum depression or postpartum anxiety? I didn't even know postpartum anxiety was a thing. Me too. I have it, I think still, fourteen I years later.

[30:04]Mena Suvari: Wanted to share my story in that because I felt like we sort of get us up to the pregnancy, Yeah. The birth and then it's like, good luck. Yeah. So I have lots to share in that space. Well,

[30:19]Zibby Owens: you know, kids don't let you hide anything. Yeah. You know, those days are over. Good thing you got it out in the book while you're still good. Know? Yeah. That's amazing. So in terms of actually the writing of the book aside from using TextEdit by mistake? No. I wasn't using it. Oh, okay. A different format. It was a whole thing. Did you what was, like, your process like writing it? And I can only imagine that some of these scenes, like, to have to type them again must have been really emotional. Like, where did you are you at, like, a cafe? Like, give me a visual of where you were. At home or outside.

[30:51]Mena Suvari: I'd like to be outside. Nature.

[30:54]Zibby Owens: That would make me feel good. Did you know you wanted to do all these chapters? These kind of like short ish chapters and different themes and things like that? No. Because I just started from the beginning. I just started writing.

[31:05]Mena Suvari: I just was like, ugh. I just told the story. And then we shaped it. Then we went into, okay, you know, yeah, I couldn't have a very long chapter. Let's kind of the most important parts and naming chapters and figuring out what photos I wanted to include and all of this process. But no, just I mean, the beginning, was just kind of often running. Then if I felt like I needed a moment, then I would stop, gather myself or take that space. Or maybe it was like the next day.

[31:40]Zibby Owens: And you mentioned that the audiobook was emotional.

[31:43]Mena Suvari: Oh, that I definitely had to stop for sure. Especially with KJ. Yeah. Even in the editing process is always like right there.

[31:51]Zibby Owens: Do you know what's happened? It was like the epilogue, like the PS to this, to all these guys from your past. Do you have tabs on where anybody is? Do you follow anybody in any way? Mean, reached out to you? Well,

[32:07]Mena Suvari: I mean, the negative relationships, I don't know. I mean, I'm still friends with Sal and there are people that I'm still close with. But no. I read a really interesting statement from my second husband, but I thought it was so perfectly presented on his part that I didn't have to address it at all. But other than that, you know?

[32:29]Zibby Owens: So now that you have written this book and are on your way to your second book, what advice would you give to aspiring authors? Oh gosh.

[32:38]Mena Suvari: Oh, I mean, I feel so grateful that I had the right kind of people around me, the right kind of team that I could talk to, amazing editor and publisher, and I feel like people that understood me. That feel felt really wonderful. So just overall, I just felt like I could breathe in the way that I wanted to, That's what I needed. It's so important to feel that you don't have to hold yourself back in any way. I'm not an expert, but I feel for me to just share first and foremost and then get into the rest of the process. I mean, that was important to feel like I had the space to be able to do that.

[33:23]Zibby Owens: I don't think any author feels like they're an expert.

[33:27]Mena Suvari: But but now you have to own it. Like, now you're an author. Look at that. You know? It's pretty awesome. I mean, thank you. I'm I'm yeah. I am learning how to incorporate all of that. It's it's hard to communicate that. I know that that's weird. It's strange to understand, but just the the real desire that I had behind this, you know, was a real collaborative effort because I wanted to just publish, you know, the poetry book. Well, the poems are great too, But Thank you. But I still was holding myself back on sharing all of it. And so thank you for giving me credit, but it's a lot of

[34:05]Zibby Owens: people that went into helping me be able to share my story. But maybe that's the whole point of it. Maybe that's the answer to the question is that this particular story is so important to get out that that's why you were sort of allowed to

[34:18]Mena Suvari: keep going. I don't know. Maybe that's Yeah. Like And I wanna share that's what I wanna share with people. Right? Because that's why I believe we're here, is to communicate with one another and hopefully learn and grow and heal, inspire one another. You know? That's just my perspective. And I I guess I just simply felt like there's none of that will come if I don't share, if I'm the only one that just sort of sits with this. I didn't really know where it was going to go, but I just felt so compelled to do it and hoped for the best. So that's why I'm excited because this is really beautiful and I love how people are now opening up about what they've gone through. It's a beautiful thing. It's wonderful to experience and know I'm not alone, but yet that's so heartbreaking to realize that that's so commonplace. So I want to change it, right? That's why I get excited. Well, it's hard to take on all that pain.

[35:19]Zibby Owens: Don't that I mean, not like you need my best. I would say, like, keep that just you can't take all that on. No. But it just it's

[35:28]Mena Suvari: it just makes me feel like if that's the case, then I'm more than happy to be that person. If that's what it takes then to create some of these conversations and hopefully create more change, I'll be that person. Are

[35:43]Zibby Owens: you done with acting? You want to keep acting? How do you feel about the role of acting in your life? I love it. I feel

[35:51]Mena Suvari: very blessed. I feel very grateful to be able to do what I do. I was thinking about this earlier and there's been this theme of me playing real life people, sharing these true stories and it's come into my life yet again. And so I feel like there's something really beautiful about that. I'm more than happy to be that person. I've always loved being honest and being a truth teller. So it's kind of like this thing where I get to do both. So I love that. That makes me very happy. I'm also, you know, working in development too. I love, you know, producing. I have a project that's based on this that I've been working on for a few years too as well to develop.

[36:37]Zibby Owens: That's exciting. I love all of it. That would be wonderful. Amina, thank you for, well, of all, your book, of course, and for sharing your bearing your soul in the book and for discussing it. And thanks to BookSoup for having us. I love BookSoup and this has been such a thrill. Me too. Thanks to everybody for watching. Me too. It's so special. I love BookSoup.

[37:00]Mena Suvari: I know what you've talked about in the space meaning to you, and it's so special and so incredible here. I'm so happy that we still have this beautiful place to go to, and it's magical, and I can't believe I'm

[37:13]Zibby Owens: a part of it now. I can't believe that I'm when I moved to LA when I was 21, I was alone browsing in BookSoup and watching movies with you. And now here we are. Here we are, like, on BookSoup hanging out. It's just so funny. Life is crazy. I'm just gonna say life is funny. Yeah. Life is weird. Anyway, weird. Yeah. That's the word of the day. No fear.

[38:18]Zibby Owens: Thank you. Bye. Thanks for listening to this episode of Moms Don't Have Time to Read Books. Don't forget to follow me on Instagram at Zibby Owens and at moms don't have time to read books. Also sign up for my newsletter at zibbyowens.com and sign up for my virtual book club and meet lots of authors on Zoom every other week. Thanks so much to Steve and Ryan at Texture Sound for the sound editing, and thank you to Morning Moon Productions for providing this fantastic intro and outro music.