Susan Groner, PARENTING WITH SANITY AND JOY

[0:49]Zibby Owens: Hi. This is Zippy Owens and you're listening to the award winning podcast, Moms Don't Have Time to Read Books. I'm also the host of Moms Don't Have Time to Lose Weight, and I'm the editor of the anthology, which you should run out and buy, called Moms Don't Have Time to A Quarantine Anthology. All proceeds of that book go to COVID nineteen Vaccine Research. And I'm the editor in chief of Moms Don't Have Time to Write a New Publication on Medium, and we're accepting submissions, so please send your personal essays there. And if all that isn't enough, you can follow me on Instagram at Zibby Owens, and my website is zibbyowens.com. Okay. Now back to this amazing podcast. I am so thrilled that Ferity brand is back being my sponsor again because as many of you know because I talk about them a lot and I post about them a lot, Ferity is like my favorite clothing brand right now. It is fashionable enough that I always feel good wearing it, super comfortable, very forgiving and just really cool. So I'm so excited they're my sponsor. You can get a discount with fairybrand.com/zippy and you'll get 20% off. Again, that's feritybrand.com/zippy. Get 20% off. And a few other things that you should know about Ferity aside from the fact that I'm living in their dresses for this summer is that they're a family run brand fueled by purpose and optimism. They make high quality, sustainably minded, feel good favorites that you'll be proud to wear. I certainly am. They believe in family, quality, sustainability, and community. Summer is in their DNA, and they've created many staples for the summer, sustainably minded with the highest of quality, comfort, and versatility, and all are made for life, which I can 100% attest to, and you should definitely go check it out. So again, fairetybrand.com/Zibby for 20% off. Go try it out. Susan Groner is the author of Parenting with Sanity and Joy, 101 Simple Strategies. Sue and I did an Instagram Live, and this is the recording of that, but I wanted to share it with all of you because it had some great tips. Sue Groener is the founder of The Parenting Mentor, which provides on-site and virtual coaching sessions for parents of toddlers through teens. As a University of Pennsylvania Wharton School graduate and a former advertising executive, Groner uses her training in creative problem solving along with her CLEAR, C L E A R R trademarked methodology to help parents foster and maintain a more fulfilling and stress free experience while in the trenches of day to day child rearing. Groner is a certified positive discipline parent educator and lives in New York with her husband and two children. Hi.

[3:28]Susan Groner: Hi. How are you? Good. How are you doing? I'm good. Thanks for doing this. So fun. Sure. Awesome. Well, okay. Tell everybody about your book, how you became the parenting mentor, what we need to know this Mother's Day before we, you know, implode. Give us some insight. Exactly. Well, first of all, I became the parenting mentor kind of by default in a way. I wasn't always a great mom. I'll just say my kids are now 21 and just 24. So been there, done that, and learned a lot. And I went through a phase where I was this really anxious, stressed out mom. And as my kids got a little bit older into their into well into their teens, I realized I had wasted all this time stressing out and trying to get them to do things and and, you know, just it was awful. I'm sure you know that feeling sometimes where you worry about all these little things. And, you know, I like to joke that I now have the benefit of the retroactive crystal ball. And I can look into it and see, like, all that stuff was just a real waste of time and debilitating to me in a way and not great for my kids either. And so as I started to learn that they were gonna evolve and develop in their own ways and on their own time, but they were gonna get there when it was they were ready to, it made a huge difference to me. And so I realized that, you know, rather than looking at parenting as this, like, eighteen year engineering project, which so many of us do, not consciously, but we think we need to do that. We need to get our kids ready so they can get her to a good college and then get a good job and have a great life. And we know that's definitely not a path that works all the time at all. And that instead, let's raise our kids to be self reliant and resilient with good problem solving skills and good coping mechanisms. Because then at the end of the day, when they go out on their own, they will be able to handle whatever it is that life throws at them. Good, bad, in between. Doesn't matter. And from the littlest thing to a really big issue, they'll be able to you know, when my daughter went to college, and she was a freshman. And she's like, mom, half the kids here don't even know how to book their own train ticket. And so, I mean, that a little thing like that. And then she saw so much dysfunction with these kids who had been kind of pampered and taken care of, and every problem they had was fixed that when they got to college and they had issues, they were either freaking out, falling apart, constantly calling their parents. They didn't know what to do. So they could be great students and do well on exams and papers, and they could get involved in extracurricular activities, but they couldn't survive in life. And so I think that if we look at our role that way, everything changes. And, you know, so my as the parenting mentor, my goal is really to help parents be happier and more relaxed, to reduce that every the everyday stress and anxiety that inevitably comes from being a parent, you know, from having a child. Like, you're just gonna worry. You know? And so how can you not? How can you reframe things? How can you have a new perspective on things? And so if you buy into my concepts, then all of a sudden, all the stuff that you feel you need to fix or that you're worried about become opportunities for your kids to develop these problem solving skills and coping mechanisms and and resiliency. So when am I supposed to teach my kids how to book their train tickets? How old how old should the kids be? When should we make that a a a project? Well, it doesn't have to be like their train ticket, but it can definitely be if you're planning a trip. Have your older kids you know, anyone. Have them see what you do. Have them learn how to do those things, what it takes to, you know, book an airline ticket. And when my son graduated from high school, he went to Europe with some friends. And, you know, I guess there was the, you know, the big time difference. And he was I think he was in Greece. And, you know, he pretty much booked that whole trip. But one of the legs, I think my husband had taken care of for him. And the name on the ticket was wrong. And, you know, by the time we got in touch with him, he'd already figured out how to and dealt with it. His friends left, he changed the ticket, and he went on another train, on another plane. But he did it himself, and it was great. Like, he didn't need to he didn't freak out. He's like, I can handle this. And he did. You know, it's just like every little step along the way, you know, they can you know, at a certain point, your kids can start packing for themselves. They can start thinking, what are the with our guidance, what are the clothes that I need? What am I gonna you know, what cosmetics do I need? My toothbrush and toothpaste. And just those little things that give first of all, we give them a lot more respect when we allow them to do those things. We're saying, hey. You know what? You're a smart kid. You can figure this out. I think you can handle this. And the more responsibility we give them, the more empowered they feel and the better they feel and the less we have to do. The less we have to worry, you know, which is the ultimate result, ultimate goal. So why do you think you are such an anxious mom? And why do you think other moms are filled with this sort of second guessing and anxiety and and all of the negatives that you're trying to combat? Yeah. I was an anxious mom because I had these expectations and these ideas for the way that I thought my kids should be and act and do and what was gonna set them up for this positive I was doing that eighteen year engineering project. You know, and it I realized it was such a bad thing for everyone. And I got out of that business pretty fast when I realized it. You know? The other business I got out of was the rescue business, which is another great you know, it's these, like, without rescuing, you're providing them with these opportunities to learn to cope and to create problem you know, do problem solving and learn life skills. And, you know, my daughter was oversleeping and missing the bus when she was in high school, and she would come and wake us up. And can you drive me to school? And, you know, it was just unpleasant, the whole thing. Right? You know, I didn't wanna have to rush, But God forbid, I felt, you know, she should be late for school on my watch, you know, instead. And then we finally said, You know what, sweetie? And one of the big keys here is that when you make these shifts and you stop fixing and rescuing and all of that stuff, it's not in a punitive way. It's not in a, I'm sick of this. I'm done. Or I've done this too many times. You're on your own now. It's not like that. It's like, hey. You know what, honey? This waking up and us driving to school, like, it's just not good for anybody. You know? And and you're old enough to get up on your own. So, you know, use your alarm clock. Use your phone, whatever you wanna do, and here's the number for a taxi. And, you know, because we were in the suburbs at the time. And, you know, here's the number for the taxi, and you pay for it. You know? She was earning money. She was tutoring. She was spending all her money on clothes and accessories and what a, you know, teenage girl likes to do. And that was that. And it was hard the first time she overslept to not go in there and wake her up. But it worked. It totally worked. Couple of times, that was it. And it works like that with anything. And if our kids forget something at home and, like, we're like, oh my gosh. They need this at school because what if they don't have it? And then we go down that path. Well, if they don't have it, then this is gonna happen and that's gonna happen. And then they're, you know, not gonna get the scholarship for sports because they're gonna miss the game or whatever the silly thing is. That's so not true. We say, hey. You know what? This is good. This is gonna give them more opportunity to relearn to remember things. It's about the process and the big goals. It's not about what happens today or what happens tomorrow. If we work with our kids to say, hey. You know what? Instead of fighting all the time about screen time, right, we engage them and we say, hey. You know what, sweetie? How much time do you think is reasonable for screen time every day? And listen to what they say. And then say, you know what? We may be thinking, really? That's all they asked for? Or we may be thinking, no freaking way. That's way too much. But we'll go, you know what? I don't know. Let's give it a try for a week or two. There's no harm in that. You know? But the key is, sweetie, if you want this time, you're now gonna be responsible for monitoring your own time. And that becomes the big lesson. That's the life skill, ultimately. And so if the way they're working on monitoring their own time and you might wanna have a conversation about it too. Like, well, what do you think would be a good way to monitor your time? You know? Okay. Try that and see if it works. You know? And give it a week and not say anything. And if your kid's on for an extra fifteen minutes, it's not gonna matter. In the scheme of life, what's gonna matter is that then they're gonna come back and say, after that week, you're gonna talk about it. Well, how did that work? How can you tweak that? What do you maybe you wanna try something else. And so while they're learning that skill, they're also learning about trial and error, which I love. We talk a lot about how kids make we want our kids to make mistakes. Failure is good. Right? But failure and mistakes have negative connotation. Right? We don't like the way that sounds. No one does. Trial and error assumes that there's gonna be mistakes, assumes it's not gonna work, that you're gonna have to do this a number of times, and then there's no judgment. And when there's no judgment, nobody feels badly.

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[16:31]Susan Groner: This is a paid partnership with Lilly.

[16:52]Susan Groner: No one feels like they're being judged. You know? It's just, okay. That didn't work great. Let's try something else. What's the next step? Okay. And you maybe have to do that 10 times. But, eventually, you're teaching your kids to figure this out on their own, that it's such a great problem solving tool. You know, I had this something happened today that this conversation is making me think of this morning. We did like an early Mother's Day celebration because my kids will be with my ex husband this weekend and whatever. Anyway, so we had it this morning and my husband made us all these chocolate chip pancakes and also eggs and like a whole spread. It was amazing. So nice. And so we all like sat down and had like a full on meal at the dining room table for breakfast with like paper plates and everything and these chocolate chip pancakes. And then like right as we were finishing, my husband walks back in carrying like a plate of cookies. I was like, no, no, no, no, Like, that's enough. Like, we don't also need chocolate chip cookies and, you know, like, so I and I said it to him like that, no, no, no, no, no. And he's like, well, and then of course my daughter's like, well, you had two chocolate chip cookies. What's the difference? Why don't I just have the cookie? I was like, okay. So finally my husband's like, don't you let the kids decide if they want the cookie or not? And I was like, So he was like, do you guys think you could eat like half a cookie before breakfast and still be like not flying off the wall? And they were like, sure. Meanwhile, they're six and seven. Right? Ones he So was talking he put the cookies out and then my son took the cookie. He's like, oh yeah, I definitely want it. I'll take that one. And my daughter's like, yeah, I'll take that one. And then they finished, they went back to their cocake, their pancakes. And my son took one bite of the cookie and he was like, that's too sweet. I'm done. And my daughter with the cookie on her plate decides she finishes her pancake and was like, actually I'm full. And I was like, wow, this is like my bad parenting. Right? Like, was so concerned with making the right decision for them and not providing them with the opportunity. And then my husband was encouraging them and empowering them to make the decision themselves. And so they did. And like, that's the whole key, right? To building independence is not what I do. It's like, what do you do? Even though I was so annoyed at the time, not annoyed, but you know, like, I don't know. So what do you think about like, like putting the putting out the platter of cookies, right? Putting, making it so that they have to decide. They have to be the ones who are empowered to figure out what's right for them. Yeah, I think that's it. I think it's important for us to give guidance and to let them know and to recognize like, wow, when you feel when you eat a lot of sugar, you know how that makes you feel. And so it's a it's a process that when they do and they feel that way, that we say, hey, you know, you feel that way because think of the things that you ate. You know? And we can teach them about when you put certain things in your body, how they give you different feelings. But, ultimately, unless they have the feeling, they're not gonna get it. They're not gonna know. It's like I tell parents that have little kids who have that control, that struggle with put your shoes on, put on this raincoat. You can't go on we can't do this. We can't do that until this happens. Right? And then it all it is is this control struggle, and the kid always wins, you know, because you lose by getting into the whole conflict even if you end up forcing your child to do this and then they're crying. And it's just terrible. And it's like, let your kid go outside and get wet. Let them go outside without shoes on and say, okay. You know, we're just gonna bring our shoes your shoes along with us. And if they kinda like, what? And they can start walking down the street in bare feet. It's gonna be uncomfortable. It's gonna hurt. They're not gonna like it. And then they're gonna say, I wanna put my shoes on. And instead of, well, I told you to put your shoes on, which is what we wanna say, of course, We go, yeah. That's why people like to wear shoes. That's why people wear raincoats or use umbrellas. Right? It's just this general statement. Now you know what it feels like, and now you know why most people do this. And then it's like we all of a sudden, we let go of so much of this control stuff, which drives us crazy. And, you know, you can't control another human being. And when kids know that they have little control, that's why, we hear the terrible twos, it's about them recognizing that they have some control in their life, and they wanna exert it. And so we need to give them the space to be able to do that in a within boundaries and let them feel like they have it. That's excellent advice. And your book is obviously filled with all of this excellent advice. Yeah. The book is one of the I wrote it because when I was a young mom and reading or I was a mom with young kids, I should say. I was reading all these parenting books, and they made me crazy. Like, first of all and even now, there is there's even more to choose from. But this plethora of parenting books to pick from made me nervous, like, which is the one I should be reading. And then when I started reading them, I felt that I was doing everything wrong, and I felt judged, and I'm like, I've already screwed up my kids. And I would try something new, and my husband would be like, you're reading a new book, aren't you? And you know? And so I wanted I wanted to give parents a book that had, like, easy, actionable tips. You can pick up this book and read one tip and put it down. If it resonates with you, try it. If it doesn't, move on to something else. You know? And it and there's no judgment, and it kinda makes you feel a lot of parents have said they feel good reading this book because they either do some of the things, it's a good reminder for them, or nothing feels too challenging. You know? I mean, I don't I have one here. It's just like it's and it's cute, and it's fun right here. It's just little tips. You know? Just easy. There's cute let me find an illustration somewhere. Here's one. This is a tip I really like too. Where is it? It's your child is not a mini me. You know? I remember the moment I realized that I used to love to play the piano as a kid, and I would be told to have to stop practicing. Like, I loved and loved to play. And my daughter really wanted to play, and she was taking lessons. But she didn't love practicing. She just didn't love you know? And I'm like, I said to her, Victoria, know, why aren't you practicing? And, you know, like, why aren't you into this? And she's like, mom. She's like, I'm not you. You know? She's like, I don't like it the way you like it. And that was the moment that's like, You're your own person. You get to pick the things you like to do. I'm not gonna I'm gonna be there to help support you in those things. I may offer up suggestions, but I've I've learned that our, you know, our children are just completely different human beings than we are. And, you know, they're gonna have their own goals and their own dreams and their own passions. They're completely different from us. They may think completely different from us. On my podcast yesterday, I well, it was it's a recording. But I talked to this dad whose 21 year old son was, you know, kind of this, like, pot smoking guy in high school, you know, was always getting into trouble. And, you know, he had a hard time with that, but then his son, like, decided to take a totally different path and became a very, very religious, you know, Orthodox Jew in Israel. And, like, a completely different thing from anything in his life, and he was struggling with that. And then, like, you know, you don't get to pick you know? And as a parent, as our kids get older, it's so important that we they know that we're there with love and support and validation for what they're doing and not to judge what they're doing or to be disappointed or, and it's the most important part, to give unsolicited advice, which can be really hard too. That's impossible. I I can't even try. Wait. Your kids how old is your oldest now? I have 14 almost 14 year old twins. They'll be 14 next month. So yeah. Talk more about, like, well, what do you think? No. Instead Yeah. Of You know? Well, why don't you do this? Well, maybe you should do that. Blah blah blah. You know? Yeah. Well, what do you think you should do? What do you think you could do? How do you think you should handle this? What might you do differently next time? To your point on kids being different from you and being different from each other, I feel like that's the main thing I've learned with having four kids. Like, they are completely different from each other. They are born the way they're born. Like, they come with these presets. They don't they close as each other, as me. You know, they're totally different people as well they should be because they actually are completely different people. You know? So, yes, I feel like had I only had my twins, I might not have seen some of these things as clearly. But How lucky that you get to experience all these different people in your life and watch them grow and develop and change. And, you know, my daughter was pretty much the same from the time she was born till now to 24. My son, in in so many ways, a completely different person. And so those fears and anxieties that we might have as parents when we look at our kids, you know, who maybe they don't care about their work when they're 12 years old. Maybe they don't seem to have a draw you know, they're 12. They're 12. You know? Or they're 10 or they're eight or they're 14 or it doesn't matter when it's right for them. It happens. It almost always happens. I mean, my son became a person I never imagined he would have become. You know? And I still like, now at 21, and I still see every year, I see him growing and changing. It's a little more subtle now as he gets a little older, but but I see it happening. And, you know, they say your brain's not developed until 25. And even with my daughter, 24 now, like, I I see her growth and her maturity as well, and it's it's amazing. But I I'm there more to watch it and support it than I am to even, like, I don't even guide that much anymore. A little. I'll be there and comment on certain things I see, but, you know, I'm careful. Well, Sue, hold your book up. Tell people watching where they can get it, like, where what it's called. Awesome. Okay. It's parenting with sanity and joy 101 simple strategies, which is exactly what it is. And you can get it wherever books are sold. It's in Target stores right now, and it's pretty much available online everywhere. Independent bookstores, Amazon, of course, Barnes and Noble, etcetera, etcetera. Amazing. Thank you so much, Sue, for coming on and talking about your book and giving me some really great advice that I will go off, you know, and be thinking about. This is a great Mother's Day gift and book to have on the shelf and everything. So thanks for joining before Mother's Day. You're welcome. Happy Mother's Day to you. Okay. Take care. Bye. Bye bye.

[28:51]Zibby Owens: Thanks so much to Ferity Brand for being my sponsor again. Go to feritybrand.com/zibby for 20% off. Enjoy. Thanks for listening to this episode of Moms Don't Have Time to Read Don't forget to follow me on Instagram at Zibby Owens and at moms don't have time to read books. Also, sign up for my newsletter at zibbyowens.com and sign up for my virtual book club and meet lots of authors on Zoom every other week. Thanks so much to Steve and Ryan at Texture Sound for the sound editing, and thank you to Morning Moon Productions for providing this fantastic intro and outro music.