Zibby Talks About Her Family's Recent Losses
[0:06]Hey everybody, I know that you all are really loyal listeners of this podcast and I truly
[0:12]can't thank you enough for listening and supporting me and listening to all these great authors
[0:17]and all of our conversations and I'm so thrilled that so many of you have become fans and
[0:22]gotten to know me on Instagram and Facebook and all the rest. For those of you who have been
[0:27]following me on Instagram you probably know all this already but I just want to share with you all
[0:31]directly that personal losses I've been going through right now just so that you all know
[0:37]because I feel like I share so much of myself on the podcast and dribs and drabs and it's such a
[0:43]personal show for me even though I'm getting to know other authors and delving into books and all
[0:48]of that fun stuff as well. In July my husband Kyle's grandmother who we call Nini her name's Marie
[0:54]Felice went into the hospital with some actually this might have been in June with some difficulty
[1:00]breathing she had a pre-existing lung condition and kidney condition and she was 90 when she went
[1:06]into the hospital she caught COVID and before we knew that she unwittingly gave it to her daughter
[1:16]Kyle's mom Susan who is 63 this all happened very quickly and Nini ended up going home
[1:25]and going back and going home to the hospital and eventually passing away on July 21st 2020 which
[1:32]was really really awful and sad because Nini had lived with Susan for years and they were super
[1:38]close Nini's the warmest cutest lady and I got to know her really well five years ago because
[1:46]we all started to come cake business together based on Nini's recipe so Nini and Susan and
[1:52]Susan's daughter Stephanie and my husband Kyle and I collaborated and launched this business
[1:56]and it was fantastic and so we were all emailing every day and talking and collaborating and it
[2:01]was an amazing crash course and getting to know a family into which I was marrying and also they
[2:06]have all been just like beyond amazing I had four kids from a previous marriage when I married Kyle
[2:11]and they Nini and Susan just completely embraced the kids like they were their blood grandchildren
[2:18]great-grandchildren and could not have been more doting loving, attentive and just amazing a true
[2:24]gift from God all of it. After Nini passed away the two weeks prior to her passing Susan had a fever
[2:33]and pretty much knew that she had COVID and finally got tested and she did she waited as long as she
[2:38]could to go to the hospital and the advice of doctors she went into the hospital the day after her
[2:43]mother passed away which was I guess July 22nd she then spent six weeks in different hospitals
[2:50]the first time three weeks in a small hospital in Charlotte North Carolina where she was improving
[2:57]for a while until she got an infection and then had a heart situation and we got a call at two in the
[3:05]morning one night and things were not good and in the morning she was intubated and put on a ventilator
[3:11]all of a sudden this is about August 8th they were like she's not this is not looking good and we
[3:17]were shocked because that day prior she was supposed to actually get out of the hospital so anyway
[3:23]we refused to just give up Kyle and I spent the day as recorded on Instagram sort of frantically
[3:28]reaching out and seeing what we could do and if there was anything else and apparently an ecma
[3:33]machine is a last measure that can help so long story short we got Duke University to accept
[3:40]Susan and she was airlifted from Charlotte to Duke into the ICU on an ecma machine where she spent
[3:48]the final three weeks of her life fighting fighting fighting unfortunately she ended up having
[3:54]to go on dialysis and the last week she had a stroke which made recovery all been impossible so
[4:03]at the end there was really nothing left they could do Susan's daughter Stephanie went down to Duke
[4:08]because by that point she was not COVID positive anymore but her body was just absolutely ravaged
[4:14]by COVID again she was only 63 and had no preexisting health conditions she was fit as a fiddle
[4:22]I don't think I ever used that expression before but she was super fit and healthy and was out
[4:26]hiking with her daughter Stephanie all the time and had recently gotten divorced a couple years prior
[4:31]and was just exuding love, light, life you know Stephanie then said she was acting younger than
[4:37]her and Stephanie's 33 so I don't know it just seems like it's even bigger tragedy but I don't know
[4:44]maybe it's not it's just anyway he's like I said it's just horrific and I shared all along the way
[4:51]with all of my Instagram followers what was going on as much as a way for me to process
[4:56]the situation and also as a way to help Kyle and Stephanie field the zillions of messages
[5:02]and inquiries so that I could be the point person and sharing updates some of which were very positive
[5:08]I really believed she was gonna get better and started she until the end the last three weeks of
[5:13]course she couldn't speak but we were able to FaceTime with her and then anyway Stephanie was there
[5:18]and then the doctors at the very end let Kyle go in as well so unlike many COVID patients who
[5:25]unfortunately had to be completely isolated at least the last couple weeks Susan even though she
[5:30]was not conscious really got to be with Steph and Kyle and that's a huge blessing for which we are
[5:37]so grateful this has all been just soul crushing as you can imagine and the only thing I know how
[5:45]to do when I'm in a state like this is right about it I haven't even really had the energy to
[5:50]sit at my computer except to do this and so I've just been sort of on my phone typing out
[5:55]little updates on Instagram every day is like a little micro blog or mini essays and even
[6:00]know you'll call it just to sort through my feelings and share what grief is like share what I'm
[6:06]learning through grief you know I'm gonna read this one post I just I just posted actually in the
[6:12]middle of the night when I couldn't sleep and the hopes that my experience can help you I know
[6:17]I'm not the only one in the world who's grieving there's so many people reeling from the losses
[6:24]that COVID-19 has brought upon our world and of course all the people who have lost loved ones from
[6:30]just other resilience of reasons you know I'm no stranger to grief and lost myself I've lost so
[6:36]many people starting at a young age but somehow each loss just you know floors me and
[6:45]feels like I'm going through it for the first time even though logically I know and I know what
[6:49]steps come next and I know that the feelings are normal it's just this feeling like someone is standing
[6:55]on my chest with a big boot pressing on me and just just so heavy-hearted and you know Kyle
[7:01]Stephanie and I are quarantined here now because we don't want to risk infecting the kids because
[7:07]Kyle and Steph were in hospital settings and all the rest although she actually had the coronavirus
[7:12]already and has the antibodies but just better safe than sorry plus we were in a you know North Carolina
[7:18]was a hotspot state and so we just don't want to risk infecting anybody not that we are infected
[7:23]so far I'm totally fine but anyway it's been also really difficult being apart from my four kids
[7:30]this is the longest I will have gone to that seeing them and that's really hard too
[7:34]but I know it's for the best anyway this is becoming a sob story my point in sharing all of this
[7:39]with you is twofold one I want to help other people like me who are grieving right now or have
[7:46]grieved recently or are battling a loved one's illness and say you're not alone and that I know
[7:52]your pain and I'm here and we're kind of all going through this together and I get it another
[8:00]goal in sharing all of this is to encourage people to take COVID seriously I'm not trying to
[8:06]act as like a public service announcement but I mean there are people just out and about no masks
[8:11]I see them when I drive places just out like gallivanting and this is no joke this is so evil what
[8:20]COVID did to Susan's body as we found out and you know every three hour updates from the nurses and
[8:29]doctors and everything it's just so awful so whatever you your children your parents your friends can
[8:37]do to protect themselves and everyone else is like beyond critical I know it's just Labor Day weekend
[8:45]now but come September and October November is the weather gets worse I just don't forget to be so
[8:52]careful and protect yourselves so those are some of my missions in sharing all of this instead of
[8:58]just venting if you want to follow along with sort of my upcoming journey or what we went through
[9:03]with Susan in the past and even Nini it's all on my Instagram and Sibio and I'm stopping live podcast
[9:10]events and my book club for a little while just so I can you know get myself together and also I'm
[9:16]the one who's doing all this stuff end of life you know clean up you know organization all that
[9:23]for both Susan and Nini so it's just gonna take me a little bit of time and energy and I feel like
[9:28]my brain is you know functioning it just a fraction of it's normal capacity at this point so
[9:35]I have to focus on doing those things which I need to do and I will of course get back to this
[9:39]I will be releasing I had recorded so many podcasts ahead of time so not to worry I'll still be
[9:44]releasing but in case my schedule is in any way disrupted this is why so I just wanted you all to
[9:49]know I'm gonna read this post I posted this morning I don't even know what today is September
[9:53]4th I think oh anyway I posted a picture of Susan and me hugging and laughing
[10:00]And I wrote, I can't even remember what we were laughing about.
[10:03]All I know is that this was at the book shower before I married Kyle.
[10:06]My mom had suggested friends give me their favorite books inscribed for the celebration.
[10:11]This was a year before I started my podcast.
[10:13]I wish I could go back to this moment with Susan.
[10:16]I wish I could go back and redo every time we could have visited treats and nini.
[10:21]My kids call her treats, by the way.
[10:22]But opted to do something else instead.
[10:25]I wish I'd stopped, what felt so important then and is now beside the point
[10:29]and called her, or texted anything.
[10:31]I'm grateful, of course, for all the memories.
[10:34]The trip we took with the kids to Kiowa, the Mother's Day celebration, and Sarasota,
[10:39]eating at Villagio, Risturante, in New Jersey with so much of Sue's family around.
[10:45]Pitching nini's treats to a major food court together,
[10:47]the many times we baked side by side, including when she recreated my own grandmother,
[10:52]Arlene's chocolate chip cake recipe from a nonsensical handwritten scrap of paper.
[10:56]I just wish I'd known how finite our time together was.
[11:00]I thought we were just getting started.
[11:04]I thought our lives and loves would be intertwined for decades to come.
[11:10]How utterly foolish.
[11:12]Nothing is guaranteed for decades, years, months, even days.
[11:17]Instead, I've been writing joint obits for her and nini,
[11:21]which will be in the New York Times today through Tuesday, filling out many multi-page
[11:26]funeral home forms, coordinating the move out of their Charlotte North Carolina apartment
[11:30]while the state is a COVID hotspot, so we can't even go pack her up ourselves.
[11:34]The shipping her car here, forwarding her mail, figuring out how to simply stop a life.
[11:39]It's too much.
[11:41]My brain, which I rely on to operate at warp speed, has sputtered to a slow limp.
[11:46]The simplest cognitive tasks are taking me 10 times long and depleting me of energy.
[11:51]I haven't even gotten dressed.
[11:53]Grief has made a mockery of what felt so urgent before and clearly can just wait.
[11:58]I don't remember what we were laughing about, but I'd do anything to have another moment with her
[12:04]just like this.
[12:06]I'm sorry that you're probably all crying now too, and I'm sorry that I feel compelled to share
[12:14]the brokenheartedness that I feel with all of you, but I know you've all gotten to know me,
[12:19]and many of you reach out to me and say that you feel like you know me, and you feel like we're
[12:24]friends, and I just love that because honestly, if you've been listening to this podcast, you do know
[12:28]me. You do. I mean, this is who I am, and this is what I'm like, and we might not have met
[12:34]in real life, and I might not know you, but you do know me, and this sort of one-sided friendship
[12:40]of ours. So anyway, feel free to reach out. I do my best to reply when I can, and just knowing
[12:50]that you're out there, that I'm honoring Susan and Nini's memories, that I'm trying to help
[12:55]Kyle and Steph through all of this, and that you're all sort of in my corner is great,
[13:01]and please keep listening to the podcast. I don't want any of the authors I featured recently
[13:05]to have, you know, get short shrift because of all my own emotional turmoil, so anyway,
[13:11]just thank you. Thanks for listening to the podcast. Thanks for listening to me today.
[13:17]Thanks for hugging your loved ones. Close is cliche as that sounds, and remembering that, you know,
[13:23]and life doesn't always go as you think it will go, and you know, while we're here,
[13:28]all we can do is be connected to each other and love each other and share. So that's why I'm sharing.
[13:34]All right, thanks everybody. Thanks for listening. Bye.