Maria Quiban Whitesell, YOU CAN’T DO IT ALONE
[0:08]Hi, I'm Zivi Owens, and you're listening to the award-winning podcast,
[0:11]Moms Don't Have Time to Read Books. Thanks so much for listening to my podcast.
[0:15]If you like what you hear, please follow me on Instagram at ziviowens,
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[0:53]I am going to be joined today by Maria Kweeban White Cell, who wrote an amazing memoir called
[0:59]You Can't Do It Alone. And just by way of bio, and then I'll invite her to join us.
[1:03]I'm Maria Kweeban White Cell, I hope I pronounced that right.
[1:06]Greet's millions of Los Angeles viewers daily each morning as Fox 11's meteorologist.
[1:12]The White Cell family, including Maria, her late husband, Sean, and his brother Patrick
[1:17]are among big entertainment families in Hollywood. Sean was a writer and producer of
[1:21]television shows, including HBO's Oz, Fox's House, and AMC's The Killing.
[1:26]Maria herself has been on the air and praised by Danica McKeller, Dr. Oz, Lisa Gibbons, and so
[1:34]many more. And she has also been on shows as a meteorologist, including my kids' favorite show
[1:39]right now, which they are in the other room, watching Ryan's mystery playday, not playhouse.
[1:46]So anyway, let's talk to Maria. Her book is sad, amazing. It's called You Can't Do It Alone,
[1:53]a widow's journey through loss, grief, and life after, and it is inspiring, and she is amazing,
[1:58]and I cannot wait to talk to her. So here we go. Hi, how are you? Hi, can you hear me? Okay, hello.
[2:06]Yes, hi, how are you? I'm well, thank you. I caught a little bit of the introduction.
[2:11]That is so awesome that they watch Ryan's playday. Yes, so fun. I actually emailed your
[2:19]publicist as I was researching earlier today, and I was telling the kid. I was like, later today,
[2:23]the person I've been reading is put on the show and they were like, we want to watch it. So I
[2:27]emailed and I was like, could you send me a link to the episodes? I was hoping they could watch
[2:31]while we did this, but they're watching another episode. I'll find it. I'll, I'm so funny because
[2:37]we did it or I did it last year, and I haven't even posted that. I should try to grab it and post it
[2:42]because that is such a fun segment that we did and I brought my young son with us because he was a
[2:47]fan. He's nine, and I think Ryan just turned nine. So they were really close in age, and they
[2:52]got to say hello. So that was really fun experience to go to Nickelodeon. It was amazing.
[2:56]I did that. Yeah, I bet. That sounds amazing. They were telling me all about
[3:01]the mystery playday and how exciting it could be. Anyway, whatever. Sounds like a big hit,
[3:07]it was fun. It was really fun to do. And I saw you from a farm shirt. You wouldn't remember. I've
[3:12]been on good day, LA twice. And I feel like I saw you like through hair and makeup, and I was like,
[3:18]oh my gosh. But anyway, oh my gosh. Well, belated virtual hugs and I'm a hugger and this
[3:23]why this time is so hard. But okay, next time you come in, we'll have to plan it. So definitely
[3:28]we'll talk. Hopefully we'll get back to normal soon. Oh, that would be nice. I am so ready.
[3:33]I've read your book, which was oh my gosh. First of all, now I feel like I like you and I have
[3:40]already had a three hour talk that you didn't know we had. You know, it was so good and so heartfelt
[3:45]and all the stuff you've been through. I'm so sorry for your loss. I really am. I know it was a while
[3:51]ago now, but I am sorry that you've had to go through this in your life. And anyway, I just wanted
[3:56]to start by saying that. I really appreciate that. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, four years now, but it
[4:02]really doesn't feel like it. Sometimes I'll wake up and think, was that really four years
[4:06]ago? It does feel like it was just four months ago. Sometimes. Oh my gosh. I loved how in your book,
[4:13]you not only tell your story, but you give tips for anybody reading it and not even from
[4:19]me, from your co-author, right? Yeah, a lot. Yes. I was really, really lucky and fortunate to
[4:26]partner up with a licensed clinician who is also an educator and such an expert on grief and loss
[4:35]and specifically as well with children. So my story was sort of the way in. And I think everyone
[4:42]can relate to my story to some degree. And Lauren just takes out the nuggets and the pockets and
[4:49]really expands it so that it can apply to many other people dealing with some sort of loss or grief.
[4:56]Doesn't necessarily have to be the exact same disease that my husband had gone through.
[5:00]Would you feel comfortable telling sort of the story of what happened?
[5:06]Oh, you're for dinner. I know. I feel bad asking you to like, I mean,
[5:09]I know nothing's going to look a lot, but it must be upsetting. So I don't know.
[5:13]You know, to some degree, I did have a live. I think it was yesterday and it does make me sad to
[5:21]some degree to talk about it, but it's more importantly, really a way for me to heal my heart.
[5:28]And to talk about it has been really good for me. So I am embracing hopefully more of these lives
[5:35]and more of these chats. So I can talk about not just our experience and also about the book,
[5:40]but mainly really to talk about our love story. And it really helps me to bring back those
[5:47]joyful memories that I have about my husband and my son's father. And I can tell you,
[5:53]I can go back to really quick how we had lived this amazing love story. And we got married late
[5:59]and live later anyway. I had been through a divorce and I was a single mom already when I met him.
[6:06]I had a 60 year old son by that time. So I was kind of done with children. And I thought,
[6:12]you know what? I'm at the prime of my career in my life. So when I met Sean, it was kind of a
[6:17]surprise to me this really perfect guy for me. He wasn't perfect by any means, but he was perfect
[6:26]for me. And we had just had our baby and he was three years old at the time. And so we hadn't
[6:32]traveled much like any new mom and dad, right? So Gus is our son and he was three years old at the
[6:39]time. And so we decided to go on this big trip to Paris. And we had never been to Paris, certainly
[6:46]not together in this really romantic trip. So we went on this trip together and leading up to
[6:52]that trip, we really hadn't spent too much time with each other. We were kind of like passing ships.
[6:56]You know, we worked all the time. And so a lot of the kind of strange behavior that he had been
[7:02]displaying, I could justify it because he was working hard and late. I was too. So when we were in
[7:10]this beautiful city of Paris, he was acting very strange. The symptoms were all there, not just
[7:17]forgetfulness, but just really strange behavior. He would want to sleep in. He didn't want to get up
[7:23]and run around the city like he normally would. He was the planner of our trips. And he didn't want
[7:28]to do that. He wanted to sleep in. And little things would confuse him, like even getting a cab.
[7:33]And he was the guy that lived in New York City for many years. So for him to be confused about
[7:38]the concept of trying to hail a cab was not right. So I made him promise to feed Dr. when we got
[7:46]back home and every day on that trip he got progressively worse. And so I was very, very concerned.
[7:52]And by the time we got back home and I make the appointment, it was two weeks and exactly
[7:57]two weeks from when we landed. We saved the bad news that he had brain tumors. And he had had
[8:04]something called glioblastoma, which was a progressive disease malignant cancer in the brain,
[8:09]which there was no cure for. And there is no cure for that. And so we had very limited time
[8:14]together. And we got in total 18 months, amazing months together before he died.
[8:20]I'm so sorry. The great news is that I feel like you brought him to life through the telling
[8:27]of all of the stories about him. Not even. Like I love how you include not just the good,
[8:32]but the annoying. Or like how when you were dating at the beginning and you decided to split
[8:37]up for a little bit and he wasn't quite ready. And then it took reuniting at a, you know, crowded
[8:43]Bruce Springsteen brought us together again. That's great. Because that that is what life is
[8:51]like. Like isn't perfect. So you don't always have fireworks and things go according to plan and
[8:57]obviously things have not gone exactly the way from, you know, from day one. And anyway, I'm just
[9:02]I'm sorry. How did you decide after going through this painful process to turn this end to a book?
[9:11]Had you wanted to write a book? Were you, what was the impetus for turning this into a memoir?
[9:18]Well, first of all, I've never written anything in my life. My husband went back to differ.
[9:22]He was the writer in our family. His job was writing. He wrote for episodic television. So
[9:29]he was used to writing stories, not just from television, but he would write short stories and
[9:34]things like that. And I would always be the one running into his office and say, hey, here's an idea
[9:38]for a story. And he would listen to my crazy ideas and he would say, now go write it. And I think,
[9:43]no, I'm, I'm not the writer. He goes, yes, you are a writer. But I've, I'd never written anything.
[9:48]Even my job working as a meteorologist and, and anchor on good delay here in Los Angeles at Fox,
[9:56]I don't read a prompter. I don't write things normally. I just,
[10:00]I add live everything so writing is not my first strong skill set and so when Sean was diagnosed and we were asking our wise you know if something really tragic happens to you I'm sure you couldn't relate like why did this happen to us why we didn't do anything wrong or bad and so we had so many moments of asking why to God you know.
[10:30]And part of it had to be that we I wore a microphone every day Sean wrote every day and so we thought you know what maybe we need to write this story because there is no cure for brain cancer.
[10:43]There's not very much information out there about glioblastoma so maybe it is because of that that we need to write about bring more awareness and bring more funding to find research.
[10:55]So that was kind of our goal at the time never really planning on him dying not at all we always held on to the hope that he would be part of that 5% that would live much longer than he did.
[11:10]And so you know over time after you died I didn't really think about it too much until a couple of people brought it to my attention and I went well yeah you know that was a promise I made to him and a promise I made to myself and so about a year and a half after he died I picked it up the idea and I got on my computer and I started writing and remembering the things that we had gone through.
[11:35]What was that process like easy hard a lot.
[11:38]It was a lot it was hard it was cathartic there are a lot of tears and up until this point it was everything even doing the audio book for the book I was in the studio recording studio and it was the first time that I had really read the book in its entirety.
[11:57]And that was a totally different experience and it was all those emotions coming back like it had just happened and I was grateful for it because I felt even closer to Sean and so I just look at that as a gift there was pain but there was so much joy as well and we have our son and so I have to look at that I have to look at the gifts that I have because of it you know.
[12:25]It was so moving in the book how you talked about that you can see you know his face and Gus and space and that as Gus is getting older it brings you closer to Sean in a way as well.
[12:36]Absolutely happy sad happy sad tip of moment.
[12:40]Yeah yeah and the part of the book that not not the only part one of the parts that I felt like tied on the heartstrings the most is how you had to deal with yourself and deal with your child at the same time like you're already going through this enormous period of grief and loss.
[12:58]Even that first night even as it's happening you're taking buses into consideration and of course you are because you're a mom and that's like what moms do is think about the kids but you know even just ushering like when he actually dies to like not decide should I tell Gus or should I wait till the morning and then Gus being upset it's like it's just like oh my gosh it was just.
[13:20]That was hard that was really hard I've got to say telling or telling Gus to well waking him up you know at that moment was really difficult for me and I made that decision sort of that night about not waking him up because Sean had died in the middle of the night.
[13:38]And Lauren Schneider who also authored the clinical part of the book I shouldn't say air quotes but Lauren Schneider who who helps many children go through grief.
[13:49]There was a moment where we did discuss sort of this pain that Gus went through because he really did feel a lot of anger that I didn't wake him up to say goodbye to daddy.
[14:01]But I reminded him that that night before he went to bed he did say good night he did say I love you and he said it many times before but specifically that night.
[14:11]And so I apologize to him that I didn't make that decision for him at the time but this is why it's so important to seek family therapy because I didn't have the right words to say.
[14:25]during that day that he happened to bring it up and asked me why I didn't wake him up.
[14:30]But I couldn't have done what I did we couldn't have gone through what we've gone through and continue to go through today without our family counselor or village I like to say.
[14:44]I just I know that I couldn't have done it alone and I think that's why we decided to type the book you can't do it alone.
[14:52]And you need to have a village you need to find your your your people.
[14:56]And I know some people might be saying well you know what I don't have family I don't have a circle of friends like you did Maria.
[15:02]And I say you're actually wrong because of this we have technology we have the ability to actually find our village ourselves.
[15:11]And so I encourage you to do that because it's really important for your heart for you and for the people who are helping you don't deprive them of helping you because helping.
[15:21]does heal and it feels good to help other people so please invite that in your life.
[15:27]I was really struck by how you're in laws in your family and just everybody rallied and how great that was.
[15:35]I mean you're right not everybody has that same support system in place but it is possible to reach out and to go beyond your comfort zone to get what you need.
[15:43]really especially with the child or children involved you need that you just it's like not an option.
[15:50]Yeah absolutely you really need to seek it out in fact there was somebody who I met recently who had heard the audio book.
[15:57]And he got something from my book which was so great he was such a compliment because he said you know what Maria my wife is disabled and I guess he's had to be her caregiver for a number of years.
[16:12]And he said I've always took pride in the fact that I could do this myself like I didn't need help but I want to do this on my own.
[16:19]But he said you're right I need to go ask for some help sometimes and and I'm going to do that I'm going to go do it and I thought wow that's great.
[16:28]I'm so glad that at least you know I've helped in some way so that's my hope is that the book can resonate and can help in some way you know for you watching or for other people.
[16:39]It has guests read your book.
[16:41]No not the whole book but I read him some parts of the book and he asked if I was if he was in it because am I in it mom.
[16:47]And I said well I couldn't tell this story without you guys you're an integral part of the story and I think you know your experience going to help other kids.
[16:56]And so I think he's looking forward to that maybe talking about it himself so he's nine he's a little shy but he's turning into a little bit of a hand bone.
[17:06]I've been working from home doing the weather and so he's kind of snuck into my broadcast.
[17:12]You're a nice guy getting he's getting a little bit of the bug you know the lights and.
[17:18]How when you were going through this you have such a public facing job and you have to be on and you have to look up and happy and be energetic and like just be on how do you do that when inside your feelings so awful.
[17:33]Oh I know I definitely have my moments and I definitely have my day.
[17:38]And there are days when I don't want to smile and I don't want to seem like the happiest person in the world because inside I don't feel that way.
[17:48]Inevitably I put on the smile whether it's an artificial smile at first I kind of forced the smile but at some point I get lost in my work or I get lost in the day.
[18:02]So there's a way to compartmentalize your thoughts and so I've been able to do that.
[18:09]Generally when it's time for me to go to work I do sort of put away that Maria and I put on the Maria I'm at work mode and I also look at it as an escape.
[18:22]Kind of my excuse to not feel so sad and bad and depressed if you know what I mean so in a way the work has been really good for me it has allowed me to at least escape from some of the sadness that I can feel quite a bit actually.
[18:39]So I'm grateful I'm grateful for my job and I'm grateful for the opportunity to just not be in that place of sadness for a part of my day.
[18:49]And I look at Gus I look at him inevitably I will laugh because he is a funny kid so I try to just balance it out balance it out.
[18:58]So what what is coming next for you now do you want to like take this on the road and be like a grief resource to people is that or do you just want to get your story out and sort of move on or write another book what what are you thinking.
[19:12]You know all of the above I don't know I'm going to just take it one day at a time and that's sort of been my motto since all of this happened I feel like I've been in crisis mode since Sean was diagnosed back in 2014 and I've learned to just kind of retrain myself to not think too far ahead in the future.
[19:31]And just think about today and just a real short term I'm really proud of myself for finishing the book actually because it's been a few years in the making and so I just want to just take that in and just enjoy the fact that I have finished it.
[19:48]And I would love to talk more about it and I had planned to travel and go on this concept of a book tour which I in my mind it's kind of glamorous.
[20:00]But obviously I've had to pivot from those plans.
[20:04]So we're thinking of different ways of getting the word out for the book, because ultimately
[20:09]I really want it to help not just families who have just been diagnosed with glioblastoma
[20:15]or brain cancer, but any debilitating disease or anyone who have just suffered a loss going
[20:21]through some grief.
[20:22]I really hope that this book can provide some kind of encouragement to say you aren't
[20:28]alone.
[20:29]So that's my main focus when it comes to the book.
[20:32]I'd love to write another book.
[20:35]I mean, now I can say I've got one.
[20:37]I can try to sit down and do another.
[20:40]I always ask for help from Sean.
[20:42]The writer, I feel like he really wrote this book a lot of it, because I would always call
[20:47]out his name and I talked to him out loud all the time.
[20:50]But maybe a movie.
[20:51]I don't know.
[20:52]I'm just putting it out there.
[20:54]I would love to see a movie made of the book in some way.
[20:57]I'd love to, again, get the word out about glioblastoma and the need for research and
[21:03]a cure for it.
[21:05]Wow.
[21:06]Maybe there's some way you can partner.
[21:08]I mean, I feel like there's so many people who need what you wrote right in that moment.
[21:12]People need to know it, like maybe there's some way to partner.
[21:14]You probably thought about all this with hospitals or funeral homes event or just ways
[21:20]to get the book right when people need it, right when they're grieving.
[21:24]It would be so powerful or grief groups.
[21:26]I mean, anyway, whatever.
[21:27]I'm sure you have marketing people on the case, but I'm the case.
[21:30]You know, to as many people as I can, I mean, we can all relate to, you know, loss.
[21:36]I think everyone has gone through that in the world.
[21:38]So I'd like to get it into as many people's hands as I can.
[21:41]It's a short read.
[21:42]You know, you talk about moms who don't have time to read.
[21:44]I purposely made it really short because I'm one of those people who just, I don't have
[21:49]much time, but this is, you can get through this in a day.
[21:53]And I, you know, I hope, I hope you get something out of it.
[21:56]And thank you so much for reading it out.
[21:58]So much to me.
[21:59]It was great.
[22:00]It was a, it really, it felt like I was reading, like I was just like sitting talking
[22:05]to you.
[22:06]Like I said, that you were just telling me the story and I feel, I always feel so privileged
[22:09]when someone decides to become an author and share their story like that.
[22:14]And then I get to sit there and read and be a part of something so private in their lives
[22:19]that then I get to take that experience and it helps me.
[22:24]So anyway, thank you.
[22:26]No, no, thank you.
[22:27]I'm a reader as well.
[22:28]I love books and just to have a quick sidebar story, Sean and I are both lovers of books
[22:33]and he's a writer, like I said, but we got married in a library because that's how much
[22:36]we love books.
[22:37]Yeah.
[22:38]Yeah.
[22:39]Look at books.
[22:40]What are your, some of your favorite types of books to read if you can't think of any
[22:43]specific?
[22:44]Oh, well, I'm a, I love all genres.
[22:46]I love horror.
[22:47]So I'm a big Stephen King fan.
[22:49]The first book that I ever, ever fell in love with, like, well, I shouldn't say, but it
[22:54]was back Island of the Blue Dolphin, that was a little kid, but that was really where
[22:57]my love of reading started.
[22:59]Are you familiar with that book?
[23:00]Island of the Blue Dolphins.
[23:01]I'm then I got into BC Andrews, of course, and all the, you know, attic books.
[23:06]But the book that really changed my life was Leo Baskalia and he wrote a book called Living
[23:11]Loving and Learning and that was, that will forever be one of my top 10 books ever to read
[23:17]and reread.
[23:18]So if you haven't yet picked it up, I encourage you to do it.
[23:21]He was the author of love.
[23:23]And so this book could change your life.
[23:24]I didn't know it changed my life definitely.
[23:26]Wow.
[23:27]All right.
[23:28]Excellent.
[23:29]Well, thank you so much.
[23:30]Thanks for coming on the podcast, the Instagram Live and thanks for sharing your sad
[23:35]experience, which has become an inspiring one for, and a helpful one for so many other
[23:40]people.
[23:41]So very selfless of you to do.
[23:42]Thank you so much for having me on and I look forward to seeing you on when you come
[23:46]back to Good JLA.
[23:47]Yes, that'd be great.
[23:48]Good, okay.
[23:49]Bye Maria.
[23:50]Bye.
[23:51]Thanks again for listening to my podcast, moms don't have time to read books.
[23:55]If you liked this episode, please follow me on Instagram at zibi Owens and at moms don't
[24:01]have time to read books and sign up for my mailing list at zibi Owens.com so you can
[24:05]always hear about the latest things I'm up to.
[24:08]Thanks a lot.
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[24:19]Thanks so much to Steve and Ryan at Textures Sound for the Sound Editing.
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[24:27]music.
[24:28]Thanks for listening.
[24:29]You could always email me at zibi at zibi Owens.com.