Ruthie Lindsey, THERE I AM
[0:08]Hi, I'm Zivi Owens, and you're listening to the award-winning podcast.
[0:11]Mom, don't have time to read books.
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[1:23]go check it out and tell me what you think. I loved it. I had the best time talking to Ruthie Lindsay
[1:28]who is the author of There I Am, the journey from hopelessness to healing and memoir.
[1:33]A speaker, author, podcast host and social media figure, Ruthie travels the globe sharing her
[1:38]story and powering others to find purpose in their pain and to quote, look for beauty in the midst
[1:44]of their secret wounds. Well, thank you so much for coming on momstone no time to read books.
[1:49]I am like so honored to talk to you. I had to learn in your book. It was so good.
[1:54]Thank you so much. That means so much to me. I'm so appreciative that I received that.
[2:02]You know, it's funny because when I was first pitched to your book, I read about it,
[2:07]but it was one of the only books that included a trailer, right? So Jessica Roth, anyway,
[2:13]the trailer I was sitting on the floor with somebody who I used to work with and we were sitting
[2:18]there watching your trailer sobbing. So anyway, so I was preparing myself for your book before
[2:25]I read it. It was so good. Anyway, sorry to go on it on. But thank you. That is so kind and I'm so
[2:31]appreciative of you taking the time to do this a bit. Well, for reading the book in the first
[2:35]watch, that's a big commitment. I'm like, yeah, and I don't know. It's not lost on me that that
[2:41]takes up a lot of time. And so the fact that you have choose to do that, it means a lot to me.
[2:46]So thank you so much. I read every page and I was clinging on every word and there were times,
[2:53]honestly, when some of the things were happening to you in the book where I almost like couldn't
[2:57]face it anymore. Like some of the medical stuff. I mean, you have been through so much. It's been
[3:05]a journey. It's been a journey. I should probably, I should probably ask for the people listening
[3:10]since I just like jumped right into that. Could you please explain? Tell listeners what your book is
[3:15]is a bad place. Yeah. So it's my first memoir. And hopefully my only book, oh my god, what a journey.
[3:24]And it's just, it's basically me getting to share my story. I kind of, you know, everyone has a lot
[3:32]of hard things and trauma and loss and pain if you're here in earth school. But my story starts out
[3:39]in South Louisiana where I grew up and when I was a senior in high school, I pulled out
[3:45]in front of an ambulance and he hit me on my car door going 65. So it broke three ribs and they
[3:52]puncture my lungs and my lungs collapse and my spleen ruptured and then I broke the top two vertebrae
[3:57]in my neck, which at the time they told me I had a 5% chance to live in a 1% chance to walk.
[4:04]And I mean, I was very lucky to be an ambulance that's even new what to do, right? But I,
[4:11]they got me to the emergency room and got me on life support. They had to do an emergency surgery
[4:16]for my internal bleeding and put in test tubes. But then after I was stable, I guess it took
[4:22]about a week before they could get me off life support. They went in to fuse my neck. So they
[4:28]took bone from my hip and they wrapped it with wire once they had my neck back into place.
[4:34]And that was just the, you know, that's what they did back then in the late 90s. And so I was
[4:39]in the hospital about a month. I was just really lucky. I was so young and healthy. And I mean,
[4:45]I left there with like half a shaved head and a neck brace. But otherwise, you would never know
[4:50]looking at me. Anything could happen. Like all my scars are hidden from my clothing and or my hair,
[4:57]you know, and I just, I kind of looked like the picture of health. I mean, I, I wore a neck
[5:04]for about five months or so. But after that, I mean, I honestly, I did not have any real residual
[5:10]effects at the time. Like, I mean, if I would like dance too much, I would get sore and that's about
[5:16]the gist of it. And, and honestly, I think a lot of times when we're traumatized, like we
[5:21]disassociate just to survive, right? And so I completely had done that. I mean, I would talk about it
[5:29]in like third person. And I'd always say that it was like so much harder on my family and friends
[5:33]that it wasn't me because I just, I didn't remember much. I was on my support. You know, I was
[5:39]drunk and I was out of it. And I just kind of completely left my body. Like I, so I was very
[5:45]disconnected. And it was a very third person thing at the time. And I mean, I was super lucky. I,
[5:52]it happened on my dad's birthday my senior year, which was November 2nd. I went back to school
[5:56]after Christmas. I was able to graduate on time. Like it was, it's pretty wild. It was, it was a
[6:02]very speedy recovery. And I went on to college. You know, I was still very disassociated for sure.
[6:09]I definitely had some like eating things. I was just trying to stuff my feelings to avoid
[6:14]all of it. You know, but I would still, I mean, I'm very settered. I was like, show up, you smile,
[6:20]you'd be sweet, you'd be pretty. Like that was kind of, that's what it was taught to me growing up,
[6:25]so I did that. And so no one really know that I was inside struggling. And because I never
[6:31]showed that part of me at that time. And so then I moved to Nashville right out of college. I was
[6:37]offered a job. And I met my first boyfriend and my parents were like, so stoked. He was a boy.
[6:44]Because they were convinced I was a lesbian. I'm like, I wish that would be such a dream.
[6:48]No, I like boys. But I just had never been real interested in dating before that.
[6:54]And we were like, oh my god, just super earnest trying to be Christians like the southern thing.
[7:02]And we felt so guilty about having sex that we literally got married too much later.
[7:08]Because we were just well idiots. And you know, we were just hopeful. And he was a musician
[7:14]out of tour with him and excited about starting our labs. We bought a house and we had all these dreams
[7:20]and about a year into our marriage. We were so young. One day I was walking in front of a Starbucks
[7:27]in this crazy shooting pain went up my neck. And I remember thinking, did I just get struck
[7:33]by lightning? Or it was a gorgeous day or shot? Like it was that intense. It was so debilitating.
[7:41]And I felt my knees. And I remember feeling like I was going to vomit. And I was left with
[7:45]this like black inky spots in my eyesight with this migraine. And of course that was so scary.
[7:54]Because I had no idea what that was. And after I was able to collect myself, I went home. We started
[7:58]going to all these different doctors. And every time I go see a different doctor, they'd have
[8:03]me do a film. I believe it always get MRI and CAT scan confused. But I'm pretty sure it was MRI.
[8:09]And every time the MRI film would come back, there'd be this black spot on my film
[8:13]where my spinal cord fusion was. And they'd say, oh, that's just the magnet and the machine
[8:18]interacting with the wire from your fusion. Everything around it's fun. They started me on the
[8:22]all these therapies. Nothing helped. I mean, I was trying every therapy under the sun. And then
[8:29]they started me on narcotics because it's just in so much pain. And I didn't want to hurt all the
[8:34]the time. So I took everything they suggested, right? And I mean, that started me down a pretty
[8:41]dark path. I eventually found myself like in bed for a good part of more than like four years.
[8:50]You're probably about four and a half years. I was just living in my bed and taking all of the
[8:55]narcotics, you know, not showing up as a partner, watching a ton of TV, eating my feelings, not
[9:01]working, not showing up as a sister and a friend. I mean, my life just halted completely. And it
[9:09]felt very dark and very hopeless just because we kept seeing a ton of different doctors and we tried
[9:14]the things they recommended. And anyway, after about four and a half years, finally, a doctor was
[9:18]like, I can't tell you what's happening until I see what's under that spot. And I was like, oh,
[9:24]that sounds so like right. Okay. So basically a $50 X right. I mean, what's also
[9:31]interesting is my husband's an artist and to a self-employed. So everything had been out of
[9:36]pocket because it was a pre-existing injury. So every time I get like an MRI would be, you know,
[9:40]$1500, $2000. And so finally, the doctor's like, oh, we need to do a $50 X right. And basically,
[9:47]what they discovered is one of the wires from my previous spinal cord fusion had broken and pierced
[9:53]into my brain stem. And I'm the only human that's ever had that. And
[10:00]You know, I'm thankfully they spared me a lot of the details at the time because I couldn't have handled it
[10:05]I was not in a good place, but they told me basically, you know, you're the only person in the world
[10:09]You shouldn't be walking if we don't get this out. You won't be walking surgery itself a super high risk of paralysis
[10:14]But what I've learned since is you know, that's where my wire was was in my reptile brain right our oldest part of our brain
[10:23]So if someone's on life support, that's what they're keeping alive. So that is like that's it
[10:28]That's like the main source of like, you know, I shouldn't be alive. I shouldn't be speaking
[10:33]I shouldn't be breathing. I shouldn't be of course walking, but like I shouldn't be anything like that, you know
[10:39]And so it was really scary and we knew I had to have the surgery insurance wouldn't cover it
[10:45]So my dad who we called papa
[10:48]So precious he
[10:50]It's hard to describe him. I just
[10:53]Like if he walked in the room, you would be drawn to him. You'd want to go stand in his presence
[10:58]He was the most magnetic
[11:00]Human I think I've ever noticed larger than life. He's six four
[11:04]Just his eyes like glowed, you know, and he just drew people in and we he plowed our garden with a mule
[11:12]He was like this
[11:14]I don't know how to describe it's so wild like I don't know anyone else like him and every time he'd leave my brothers an hour
[11:21]Children, he'd say
[11:22]I love you so much remember your manners and always look out for the little guy
[11:27]Like that was his thing
[11:28]He wanted us to look out for the people that everyone else would miss, you know
[11:34]And so he had told my mom and my godfather that he was gonna come see me and tell me
[11:38]He would sell our farm so that I could have the surgery because insurance wouldn't cover it and
[11:44]On his way, he stopped to visit our Amish friends because we have Amish friends
[11:50]As you do to pick up like a donkey or a mule hymnus and we don't know exactly that happens
[11:56]He was alone at the time, but somehow he tripped and fell down a flight of stairs
[12:02]and ended up passing a brain damage
[12:06]and
[12:07]We just actually had the anniversary of his death last week and you know it was just
[12:13]It was such a massive loss like and it wasn't just a loss for like me and my family
[12:17]It was a loss for a massive community because he had touched so many people's lives and it changed so many people's lives
[12:25]He was an education and so
[12:28]Yeah, I just remember I would like pinch myself until I'd literally bleed in my bed because I'd be like wake up
[12:35]You're in a nightmare. This can't be real. This can't be your life
[12:39]You know, it's interesting just yesterday a Facebook memory came up
[12:42]Which I never look at those but I just happened to look
[12:45]And it was the day after we had buried my dad
[12:48]And I'd gone to see a doctor
[12:50]That my brother had set up and they had told me kind of all the details about like what we had to do and how bad it was
[12:55]And and I posted on Facebook
[12:57]I was like I just had a horrible doctor's appointment
[13:00]And it's really hard for me to believe that there's a god that's good
[13:04]And I remember just I felt that so deeply. I remember feeling so abandoned and I felt so
[13:11]Forgotten and lost which was never true, but that's what my sweet little self felt in that moment
[13:18]You know, and I just read that yesterday, and it just broke my heart
[13:21]And I wanted to just wrap her up and be like oh my gosh, he precious
[13:26]so
[13:28]Anyway, it
[13:29]It was heartbreaking and hard
[13:31]But what was so beautiful in the midst of that is my god father ended up setting up this medical fund in my dad's honor
[13:39]For me to have this life or death surgery and
[13:42]People started coming out of the woodworks being like your dad paid my rip your dad bought my prom dress
[13:50]Your dad fixed my roof your dad sent me on my senior trip your dad sent me on my first year of call
[13:56]I mean
[13:57]I need you to know that we did not have very much like at all
[14:01]But my god father who owned this bank he was like yeah, he would take out loans
[14:06]So that he could go and do these things for other people and he was just that was him and it felt like
[14:13]I mean the full amount of money was raised for me to have this crazy
[14:17]spinal cord fusion because of the way he had shown up in love people in the world like
[14:22]I just feel so
[14:24]Honored to be loyal to these daughters. You know, like it's just such a privilege
[14:30]And so he did that for me and I started being pursued by all these doctors like they get off and be in the
[14:36]one person to do surgery
[14:38]So I was literally like a beetle. They all wanted me
[14:41]Like I was heavily pursued and I ended up choosing Mayo Clinic
[14:47]And this top neurologist top where the Petic surgeon did it together and they're like we hope
[14:50]It'll help with your pain, but like listen. This is so if you bring them and walk in and limit
[14:56]And so you know, I put all my hope in this thing outside of me to help me make me better
[15:01]And we went in they took the wire that was piercing my brain stem took bone from my other hip and this time
[15:07]They refused it with titanium screws and
[15:11]As wires can break
[15:13]Super rare, but it happened and you know
[15:15]I'll spare you all the details of the hospital. It was really hard and you know
[15:19]I've been on so many narcotics up to that point that it was so hard for them to get my pain
[15:24]Under control because I mean I was like on one of the highest levels of fentanyl patch
[15:29]Before going into the hospital, which they give dying cancer patients
[15:32]And so I would have told you I lived at a tent before that surgery and then I was like oh
[15:38]Just kidding. I didn't know my pain could be this much worse
[15:42]It was I remember I just had like pop blood vessels from screaming, you know in my eyes like I
[15:48]It was real hard, but
[15:51]After a week, I had my head shaved again
[15:53]I had another big ass of that brace and I walked out of there with that wire in my hand in a lot of pain
[16:00]And after the pain from the surgery died down. I ended up realizing I had pretty severe nerve damage
[16:06]My whole right side just felt like it was on fire like all the time completely burning fire like the best way
[16:13]I know how to describe it. I don't know if y'all know about this because I'm from the south
[16:17]But we have fire ants like red ants
[16:20]And one time I was my right foot because it's down my whole entire side
[16:24]My right foot was standing in a pile of fire ants and my brother yelled at me
[16:29]He's like they moved and I had like over a hundred fire ant
[16:32]Like up my right leg and I didn't know it because I think partly because I was disassociated
[16:37]But also that's just what it feels like like it it's fire right and so I didn't know
[16:43]And so I actually walked straight back to my bed
[16:46]I was on even more drugs at this point and way more hopeless because that one thing I'd put all my
[16:52]You know hope in didn't fix me. I mean it fixed me and this inside was walking
[16:56]But I couldn't even see that really. I was still in so much pain
[17:00]And I was like these four walls are gonna be the rest of my life and
[17:04]That felt so dark and so hopeless and so
[17:08]Actually lived in my bed for two more years until a different a whole other
[17:13]Wild events happened that basically took me to my breaking point
[17:18]My marriage is coming to an end
[17:19]I caught c-diff in the hospital for a different surgery
[17:22]Which is just the whole other story and whoo that was dark
[17:25]And I had a wall like
[17:28]It was more than a wall. I had a complete nervous breakdown. I stopped sleeping
[17:32]My life felt over my husband was on tour in Australia
[17:35]He couldn't deal a bit anymore and I didn't blame him
[17:37]I've been like that for seven years, you know and can you imagine how hard that would be for partner
[17:43]I mean, we were babies, you know and this started a year in term marriage
[17:48]He was 21 when we got married and I just I broke and
[17:53]Now I love to call it my breakthrough, but it wasn't breakdown
[17:57]It was so traumatic and I remember feeling shame on a level that's hard to even
[18:02]Putting to words like I felt like I was
[18:05]Sweating shame every part of my being felt so ashamed of myself and I grew up in a world that was like
[18:13]What you portray on the outside is what matters right and what I was portraying on the outside was a complete nightmare
[18:20]Like I couldn't take care of myself
[18:22]I kept ending up in an emergency room because and I someone was had to take me because I was so sick and I was so not okay
[18:28]And I just which is such a story and it's not true
[18:31]But I would just think over and over I'd have panic attacks all night and be like my dad is so ashamed of who I am
[18:37]I had a lot of just very limiting lies in my head that were not true
[18:42]But I believed with every part of me and my family were they were amazing and I had to move in with my older brother
[18:50]Who we've been close my whole life. He like helped raise me
[18:54]And they were gonna send me away to get help because I was obviously not okay and
[19:00]Again because I cared so much what people thought the next day
[19:03]I literally started reading myself off the drugs out of fear of being sent away at what people would think
[19:09]Which is the most ridiculous motivation
[19:11]But who cares it got me to get off these freaking drugs which you know
[19:15]Narcotics are really it's created for acute pain not long-lasting chronic things because you just need more and more
[19:22]You become a shell. I was a shell of a human and when you numb the hard painful things are also numbing every beautiful
[19:30]Good sweet lovely thing and so my life just felt void of all
[19:36]All beauty it just felt dark and hopeless and so I
[19:41]Started reading off everything. I mean I had to relearn how to live
[19:44]I remember and again the motivation is don't get sent away
[19:48]So I made this list of things to like learn how to live again
[19:52]I remember making a list of like eight o'clock
[19:54]You get out of bed and you don't get back in that bed until it's dark outside and I'm like
[20:00]do a whole day. I literally don't know. I would like watch my nephews to see like, what
[20:05]are humans do all freaking day long? And I'd be like, eight or five brush your teeth, like scratch
[20:11]that off, eight, 15, eat breakfast, scratch that off. And so at first it was literally like that.
[20:17]It was going through the motions feeling dead and numb inside. And then, you know, I don't know if
[20:22]it was like my higher self, because my dad, if it was God, the universe, whatever who cares,
[20:27]but something told me to write a list of things I'd love to do before I had pain. So I remember
[20:34]writing this list. It's probably two or three weeks in. And I was like, Ruthie, you love flowers.
[20:40]I'm like, no, I don't. I'm like, yes, you do. You love them. And then I was like, you love
[20:46]sunsets. I'm like, I don't care. Like, yeah, you do. You love them. And I remember, I wrote,
[20:53]you love people. And I swear to you, I remember having this like maniacal laugh at being like,
[20:58]no, I don't. They're the worst. Yes, you do. You love them. So I started making myself each day
[21:06]do one thing on that list that I had loved before I had pain. And I don't know. I think,
[21:12]you know, I think now I think the action has to come first. And I just was like hoping that an
[21:19]emotion would ultimately come, but it was like, the motion had to come first. And it took a few weeks.
[21:25]I would do something each day. And finally, as I was like coming off of these drugs and able to feel
[21:31]the level, I mean, listen, I was feeling my pain very viscerally and, you know, de-thawing,
[21:38]I guess would be a great way to describe it. And it was very scary and very hard. But I also was
[21:45]able to start seeing beauty. And that almost became my new mission. It was like, look for beauty
[21:51]everywhere. And when you see it, talk about it, speak it out loud and experience it and in people
[21:57]and in things and in places. And it was almost like my new drug, you know, because I, and I remember
[22:04]in that same time here in this quote that the deeper sorrow carbs into your being the more joy
[22:08]you can contain and balling crying when I read that. So I was like, that is going to be my story.
[22:14]I am going to get to experience joy on like such a soul level, you know. And so that became kind
[22:20]of my mission. And I mean, so much has happened. I was a little over seven years ago. So much has
[22:26]happened since then. I mean, I, you know, my marriage ended. I ended up moving home. It took me about
[22:32]four months to get off all the drugs, which was the best thing I've ever done in my life. You know,
[22:37]the thing that I remember feeling like refalling in love with the things around me, like, I remember
[22:43]seeing my nieces and nephews. Most of them had been born while I was in the state, right? And
[22:49]all of a sudden, I would look at them and be like, Oh my God, you were such a miracle.
[22:54]You precious beautiful child. Like they are the most magical kids. I can't even tell you, I'm so
[23:00]madly in love with these children. And I hadn't seen them. I had just been in this fog,
[23:05]only thinking about my pain. And I think we teach people how to see us. And so all I had taught
[23:10]anyone was I was my pain. And I believed that with every part of me. And so when people would see
[23:15]me, they'd be like, how are you? How are you feeling? And they felt sorry for me. And I felt
[23:21]almost validation in their sympathy, right? It validated me living in my bed, not showing up as
[23:27]a partner, not working, not showing up as a sister and aunt or a friend. And all of a sudden, in
[23:32]that time when I was changing my life, because it was like, whatever I was doing, obviously,
[23:36]isn't working. So I need to do the opposite in every way. And I remember being like, I want
[23:41]when people leave me, I want them to feel seen. I want them to feel heard and loved and not sorry for
[23:47]me. And so, you know, it's so fun now. It's not even a conversation. I mean, right now, it's
[23:53]a conversation because my book came out today. So I'm talking about my pain more than I, you know,
[23:58]but like, my best friends tell me all the time, like, I forget that that's even a part of
[24:02]your story, because that's not what I lead with anymore. And I learned so much over the years
[24:09]about like my body connection and about how our body holds onto trauma and can get launched there
[24:16]until we learn how to process it. So the last seven years have just been this beautiful,
[24:22]hard, painful, amazing, every emotion under the sun, because I feel it all now. I'm no longer
[24:29]numbing it, you know? And it's the most glorious, brutal, beautiful, painful experience. But I get
[24:37]to experience life. I get to experience people. I get to, I have the absolute privilege. I'm on my
[24:44]period. So I feel really crying. But like, I have the absolute privilege of like showing up and being
[24:50]like, listen, like, we were created to heal. And I get to do this work on myself and then get to
[24:56]show up and be a mirror of that to those around me. Like, I can't fix anything. I went, I can't
[25:01]fix anyone else. I can only do this on myself. But what I can do is do that work for myself and then
[25:07]show up and be a mirror of that love for everyone around me. And a mirror of like, this healing
[25:13]is for you. This love is yours. This stability is in you. Like, I even say that in my book. I'm like,
[25:19]listen, when you finish this, forget me, forget my name, forget my story. This is for you. Healing
[25:25]is for you. This hope is yours. This love is yours. You don't need me. I'm going to get the
[25:30]fuck out of the way. So you can do this journey because you're so deserving. We're so, and it's,
[25:36]I feel like the healing journey is remembering what's so right with us, not what's wrong with us.
[25:41]And it's an unlearning more than anything else because I thought I was so broken. I believe that
[25:47]I thought my body hated me. I thought it was, you know, it was the source of this pain. So I thought
[25:52]my body had just completely failed me. And now I'm like, oh my god, this beautiful body that's
[25:58]just been loving me and holding me and like holding the divinity within me and calling me home and
[26:06]just protecting me and being so strong and so resilient and loving me so hard when I hated her.
[26:14]And I think all of these painful things that happened ultimately were all these invitations to
[26:22]come home to myself and to do this work. Like if my life had turned out the way I thought it would,
[26:27]I would be a very surfacing human that I would never have woken up. That would never have gone
[26:34]so deep. Would never have been able to be a good friend, honestly, an empathetic friend. I wouldn't
[26:41]be able to show up in the world the way that I believe I can now and have the honor of getting
[26:46]to now because all those things happened. And I wouldn't change it. You know, like I wouldn't
[26:54]change one single thing because I know it all created me to be this human that I have the honor
[27:00]of getting to be today that messy and all of the, you know, like that that makes tons of mistakes
[27:07]but also is filled with so much goodness and wonder and beauty just like every other soul
[27:13]on planet earth. And so I just talked for a really long time. But that's a bit of a story.
[27:22]Oh my gosh. Thank you. Thank you for telling the story again. I mean, I know I just read it,
[27:30]but hearing it directly from you and your emotion and your eyes and oh my gosh. I
[27:36]oh my gosh. The fact that you would go through all that and say you wouldn't change a thing.
[27:41]I mean, you are like not like Gandhi, but you're like a, you're like a spiritual like gift to the
[27:48]world now. Like and I think that's what you're like excited about yourself, right? The power that
[27:54]that holds and enabled to help so many people. I mean, it's really beautiful. And your story is
[28:01]unlike anything I have ever heard. And you are oh my gosh. My grandmother would say you are one
[28:08]tough cookie. I mean, unbelievable. We're such resilient beings like and we're so you know at 17
[28:17]if you told me what was coming. I've been like just kill me now. Bye. Got to go. Like I don't think
[28:23]but that's what's so amazing. We are so strong and we are so resilient and we are so worthy. And
[28:32]I don't think that we're we don't have a tint of a clue of how resilient we actually are
[28:39]in our power and our strength. Like you know, you hear people say like I will I could never
[28:45]deal with that. I could it will if it happens to you, yes, you can. Like we're so yes, you can. And
[28:51]it doesn't mean it's not really fucking hard. Of course. Like I wouldn't, you know, like when people
[28:58]everyone struggling, right? Like pain is universal. Everyone has lost. Every human has trauma on some
[29:05]level. I don't care who you are. You can you can be in denial about it. But you do. And I would
[29:11]never look at them and be like good luck. It's going to be amazing. You're going to be able to
[29:15]grow up like it's so hard. And it's so painful. And it breaks my heart. I don't want anyone to have
[29:22]to suffer, right? Ever. Like I would never wish loss or death or divorce or pain on anyone. But
[29:30]in the same breath, what I know that I know that I know is like these are our invitations to like
[29:38]they get to be like they become like my pain has become my privilege. And it doesn't define
[29:44]me anymore. It's not who I am. It's what ended up being the thing that was the catalyst of
[29:49]becoming who I was meant to be. And that feels like a privilege to me. And so I want to say like
[29:55]there's so much hope like this isn't the end. And I know so many people are struggling.
[30:00]I, I'm a feeler. Like I feel the collective fear and pain. Like there's so much trauma going on
[30:08]right now. And I am so privileged. I, I get to stay home. I can work from home. I have money to
[30:15]pay my bills and there's so many that are just in such painful, hard, dramatic, they're
[30:21]threat kids that are home right now with abusive parents and they can't escape. And that makes
[30:26]you want to like, but in the same breath, like I can hold that in one hand and in the other hand,
[30:33]I can hold on to so much hope and know that we were created to heal, that we were created our bodies,
[30:40]our minds, our spirits, we're longing for homeostasis to heal. And this is not the end. This is an
[30:50]and that gives me hope for like all of us, you know, it really does. And I have to hold on to that
[30:57]when I feel more in the other hand, where I'm like, oh my god, there's so much pain. There's so much,
[31:04]you know, and even like I was, of course, you know, we had this big tour plan, all these things. And
[31:10]everyone's life turned outside down and no one's life looks like what we expected. But now I'm like,
[31:15]this is perfect. Like this is a story about my life turning outside down and finding hope and
[31:20]resilience and healing and joy and all the things like, my hope is that this story can be just like
[31:28]a bomb, you know, like a healing bomb for those that are in the midst of just craziness that we're
[31:36]living through in a global pandemic. It's insane. Like what in the world? So I don't know. I feel really
[31:43]honored that this gets to come out in this time, you know. I feel honored that you spoke to me
[31:49]about it, that you're speaking to my listeners about it, that you wrote it, and that everybody
[31:55]can have this. And oh my gosh, it's just you are an incredible person. And I am honored to even get
[32:02]to talk to you. So thank you. Thank you for all that you did. And thank you for coming on. And I'm
[32:08]sorry for being late and you're perfect. Happy, happy, happy, happy Puff Day. And I'm so excited
[32:14]for you. And I can't wait to just follow you forever. And, you know, just be a big cheerleader
[32:21]and supporter in any way I can because you are just the best. So you are so precious. And I'm so
[32:27]honored to, this is my first interview on Puff Day. What a beautiful way to start my day with your
[32:34]precious days. So I'm so grateful that you would give me the space to get to share my story and
[32:39]your encouragement honestly means so, so much. And none of that is like lost on me. And I'm so
[32:46]appreciative. And thank you for your support and your generosity and kindness. It really means so
[32:51]much. Of course. Oh my gosh. Well, enjoy the fruits of your labors today. I know it's not. I'm sure
[32:57]what you expected. But I know why I know you will find the joy in it. I don't even have to tell
[33:02]you. You're like joys to hear. But, you know, take a minute to just be so proud of yourself
[33:07]because thank you really amazing. So thank you so much. I appreciate it. Have a beautiful day.
[33:13]It's sad. Okay. Thank you. You're so excited. You've been listening to moms and have time to
[33:19]read books with Zibi Owens. Please make sure to sign up for my newsletter at Zibi Owens.com to get
[33:25]more updates about episodes like these and also lots of live events. Thanks to Recliner and YC
[33:31]for being a partner, for giving everybody a discount of 20% off with the Code Moms X Recliner.
[33:37]And for partnering with me after I loved your product so much. You can follow me on Instagram
[33:42]at moms don't have time to read books. Thanks so much to Steve and Ryan at Textures Sound
[33:47]for the Sound Editing. And thank you to Morning Moon Productions for providing this
[33:51]fantastic intro and out trim music. Thanks for listening. You could always email me at
[33:54]ZibiAtZibi Owens.com.