Laura Prepon, YOU AND I, AS MOTHERS
[0:08]Hi, I'm Zivi Owens, and you're listening to the award-winning podcast,
[0:12]Moms Don't Have Time to Read Books. Please sign up for my newsletter at ziviowens.com
[0:17]for updates on podcast guests and lots of live events.
[0:21]Hi everybody, I have such exciting news I think today to bring to you in the midst of this
[0:26]coronavirus quarantine season. I am launching a new site called WeFoundTime.com,
[0:33]which is a collection of essays written entirely by authors who have been on this podcast.
[0:38]Moms Don't Have Time to Read Books. We're calling it Connecting Brilliant Minds to Busy
[0:43]Readers, and each week we'll have about five new essays in different categories that
[0:48]Moms Don't Have Time to Do. Moms Don't Time to Breathe, Work Out, Have Sex, Eat, Read,
[0:53]and authors will write amazing essays and contribute them all original exclusive content.
[1:00]So I'm really excited. My team and I have been working on this for months and months,
[1:04]and we were going to launch it on Mother's Day, but then we thought, you know what,
[1:07]everybody's home and could use a little inspiration. So we're launching it early this Monday,
[1:13]April 6, and I hope you will go check it out. It's on my website ziviowens.com,
[1:18]which also has a complete refresh and is brand new, and it will also live on WeFoundTime.com.
[1:25]So please go check it out today. Tell me what you think. I would love some feedback. Read
[1:30]the essays. I have essays this week by Gretchen Rubin, Claire Gibson, and Alyssa Altman,
[1:35]who are also the editors of the site and authors in their own right from the podcast. There's
[1:40]one from Nicole Kier, another author, and then I wrote one about working out. So go check it out,
[1:45]please, and make sure to tune in each week. And if you haven't subscribed to my newsletter,
[1:50]I'll be sending links to the articles weekly in there as well. So thanks for tuning into that.
[1:54]Also, if you have not noticed on my Instagram, if you don't follow me or whatever,
[2:00]I started an Instagram live TV series during the quarantine called Z-IGTV, or we might just call it ZTV.
[2:07]I don't know. What do you think? Anyway, each Monday through Friday from 11 a.m. to 12 p.m.
[2:12]Eastern Time. I've been interviewing authors live on Instagram live on the at Ziviowens account,
[2:17]usually about four or five authors in an hour, which has been so fun. So please check that out.
[2:23]You can join me on Instagram live, comment, ask questions as I go, or you can watch it afterwards
[2:28]in my IGTV feed, which in Instagram is when you click on my bio and everything. It's in, well,
[2:34]you'll find it, or I can't. Anyways, the IGTV button, which I'm sure you're familiar with.
[2:40]So please check that out. And then last week, last week on my IGTV show, I had the pleasure of
[2:46]interviewing actress and author Laura Prepan, who, by the way, has six million followers, which is
[2:51]crazy. But her latest book is called UNI as Mothers. And it's so good. It's a first-person
[2:58]look at being a new mom. What it was like for her in the context of being an actress and directing
[3:03]on the set of oranges, the new black and acting and all the rest of it. And it's honest and
[3:09]really great. And anyway, you should all read it. So I had her on my show. And then I realized
[3:14]after that our interview was about 20 minutes that I might as well just make it a podcast as
[3:17]opposed to doing a separate podcast. So that's what this is. So the sound quality is a little bit
[3:22]different since it wasn't, it was just recorded on my phone as an Instagram live. But the content,
[3:26]I think is really awesome and really helpful. And it's moms of all ages, not just little kids.
[3:30]It can be parenting your own parents. It's a, it's a great book with lots of specific tips.
[3:36]And her previous book was The New York Times bestseller. And that was called The Stash Plan,
[3:40]which was a wellness book. And as I said, she's a star of oranges, a new black. She was also in
[3:44]that 70s show from 1998 to 2006. And also in Girl in the Train and many other films and TV shows
[3:52]and everything else originally from New Jersey. She is now married to actor Ben Foster. They have two
[3:57]children, a girl and a boy who's now four weeks old and they live in New York. So here is that
[4:04]Instagram live episode. And if you want to watch it after you can do that too by going onto my
[4:09]Instagram feed at Zebi Owens and seeing what she looked like when she was talking and all that
[4:14]good stuff. So please enjoy it. And let me know what you think. Bye. Gosh, all these comments. Everybody's
[4:19]so excited. It's actually Lauren. Hi. How are you? Good. How are you? I'm great. Thank you for having
[4:26]me. Thank you for coming on. Of course. Oh my gosh. And your book was so great. Like now I feel like
[4:33]I really know you. So maybe that was just, you know, filtered, filtered piece of you in the book.
[4:39]But thank you for that. It's like so great and relatable and awesome. Oh, thank you. You know,
[4:44]I really feel like to be able to have this conversation about motherhood that we really do have
[4:49]to drop our defenses and share our truths. And this is the most vulnerable I've been and I feel like
[4:54]I really just wanted to have that open dialogue with the readers of the book. And I'm thank you so
[5:00]much. I'm so excited that that came across and that it registered with you. Thanks. Of course.
[5:05]Even at the beginning when you were pregnant the first time and you were with a friend and you
[5:09]asked how it was. And she said, you know, it's really hard girl. Like this is hard. Yeah.
[5:14]And how is that? Congratulations on your baby. Also. Thank you. Yes. It's crazy having to
[5:21]really is a game changer. But it's been great. I mean, honestly, I've just been besides doing
[5:27]wonderful things like this to get the word out about the book. There's been so much family
[5:31]bonding and it's been really special. And it's just a light in the midst of all the craziness
[5:37]that's going out there. And it's just been it's been really just really trying to focus on
[5:43]just the blessing of having two healthy children because as I wrote about my book, we've dealt with
[5:48]some stuff. And it's just I'm so blessed to have two healthy children. And then I feel like having
[5:54]read your book and all the anxiety and you're shining the light on postpartum anxiety for people
[5:59]who didn't really know that much about it. I didn't either. I honestly, Zippy, I didn't either. I
[6:05]didn't know what was going on. It was so but I cut you off. Please continue. No, the way that I was,
[6:13]I literally felt like I was completely upended. I didn't know. I didn't know what was going on.
[6:19]I didn't know. I turned on my husband and I said, the woman you married is gone. I don't,
[6:24]I can't, I felt like I couldn't take care of myself. I felt like I could have properly
[6:28]take care of my family. And I didn't, I feel like a lot of people when they hear the phrase postpartum,
[6:34]they immediately think of postpartum depression. And I in the past had been guilty of that too,
[6:39]thinking that, oh, postpartum is postpartum depression. Postpartum literally just means post,
[6:44]it just means after birth. And I had never heard about this postpartum anxiety. And I didn't have
[6:53]depression. I was, it was more of like this mama bear to the end degree, like to a point where
[6:59]everything I thought was a threat to my child. And it's an anxiety in general. I feel like as a mother,
[7:07]you can kind of quell it, but it never really goes away because we love our children and we're
[7:10]worried about our children. And one of the things that I really want to come across in my book is that
[7:15]it relates to, to mothers of all ages. And also a lot of partners of mothers have gotten a lot
[7:22]out of the book and people who read the book who aren't mothers yet or may choose not to be,
[7:27]there's a lot of stuff in the book that they can relate to. So I really hope that it helps a lot
[7:32]of people. And because I certainly was so helped so much and healed so much through the process
[7:39]of writing this book. I mean, I feel like anytime you really open yourself up the way that you did,
[7:43]you're bound to help tons of people, right? Because people have to learn from others. You keep
[7:48]talking about your, you take the mom tribe or your mom's son, which is so important. I mean,
[7:55]I feel like the people who gave me advice when I had a new baby were the most important people
[7:59]in my life. Even people, they weren't even that close to me, but they were the people who came
[8:03]through like this is the stroller you needed. This is that I'll never forget that help.
[8:06]For sure. For sure. And especially now with the self isolation that's going on,
[8:12]community is more important than ever. And I really hope that how I speak to that in the book will
[8:19]help, you know, hopefully help inspire people to build that community even more through things like
[8:24]this through our social media platforms through FaceTime and Zoom and all these great platforms
[8:30]that we can use now to connect. It really is so important. And my mom squad is, you know,
[8:36]there's such an amazing support system for me. And so, and I also, because I want the book
[8:43]to speak to many different ages and types of women, my mom squad is many women of all ages,
[8:49]background ethnicities, professions, because I wanted this book to relate to many different people.
[8:56]So, and that's been from the feedback that's been coming across and helping a lot of people
[9:01]so it's really exciting. Yeah. No, that's amazing. And even all your little videos on Instagram.
[9:06]Thank you. But just so you know, we do have our little baggies of chicken now. Thanks to you.
[9:11]Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. It makes a difference because if you throw it all together in a big
[9:19]clump, you have to then defrost the whole thing. And once you defrost it, you want to use it.
[9:24]You don't want to then freeze it again. So little little tips and tricks. I'm all about the tips and
[9:30]I can see that. I can see that the book has like a zillion chips and chips and tips. And you know,
[9:35]I get it. It's a tongue twister. I totally understand.
[9:38]Wait. Tell me a little more about the process of writing the book. What was that experience like?
[9:42]You said it was really helpful. But tell me, tell me how long did it take to write the book?
[9:46]Where in when did you write it? Tell me about that. Well, it's funny is I wrote it when we
[9:52]we lived in an apartment in the Lower East Side. And I wrote it in my bedroom.
[9:59]I'm not kidding.
[10:00]on top of a cardboard box.
[10:01]That was my desk, because we couldn't fit a desk in there.
[10:05]So I had a box and I would sit on the floor in Indian style
[10:08]and write it on this box.
[10:11]And I started writing it when I was dealing with these new things
[10:15]that were happening after the birth of my daughter.
[10:18]And my husband had suggested, because I
[10:20]was dealing with all of these things.
[10:22]And I would speak to other women,
[10:24]and they were all dealing with similar things.
[10:26]As example, I have a friend who is a mom.
[10:29]She lives in LA, and her daughter is 18 years old.
[10:32]And she was dealing with the same amount of stress
[10:35]about her daughter going to, you know, before Corona happened.
[10:40]But she was dealing with the same amount of stress
[10:42]that I was, but her daughter was 18
[10:44]and going to Europe for the first time.
[10:46]And she was freaking out about this lack of control
[10:48]and how am I going to reach my daughter?
[10:49]And she's never left the country.
[10:51]And she was really nervous about that.
[10:53]And I was dealing with just as much stress,
[10:55]but with the toddler in a different way.
[10:58]So that's the other thing is there's so many things
[11:01]that I feel like relate across the board.
[11:04]And when I was going through these things
[11:06]and talking with other mothers,
[11:08]I just knew that I wasn't the only person dealing with this,
[11:10]and that I needed to write about it,
[11:12]because I feel like there's all these books about pregnancy.
[11:15]There's all these wonderful books
[11:17]about those nine months of your life.
[11:19]And then after that, there's a void.
[11:21]And I thought to myself,
[11:23]what about the rest of my life?
[11:25]But you went about the rest of my life as a mother.
[11:28]So that's the void that I hope this book fills
[11:31]because I couldn't find a voice to relate to.
[11:34]And there's wonderful books about parenting,
[11:36]but there isn't a book that speaks to the mother herself
[11:40]or the partner or someone who wants to understand
[11:44]the process of what we go through even more.
[11:47]So that's what I'm hoping this fills is that void
[11:51]that I felt so deeply.
[11:54]And already the feedback has just been so wonderful.
[11:56]So thank you and your audience
[11:58]and everyone who's watching right now,
[12:00]just from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
[12:02]Well, it's really amazing.
[12:03]And I also thank you, you have a unique vantage point.
[12:06]I mean, you were writing about feeling tired
[12:08]on the set of filming and trying to direct a TV show.
[12:11]I mean, those moms are just trying to take a shower, right?
[12:14]Because you're out there very seriously.
[12:16]I mean, you're not on your plate.
[12:18]But as my friend says, the juggle is real.
[12:21]It is, you've been just trying to take a shower
[12:24]is like a big deal when you have kids.
[12:26]But yes, I went back to work on orange at six weeks.
[12:30]And by the time I think my daughter was four months old,
[12:34]I was directing.
[12:35]But what's crazy is that the first episode
[12:38]I directed of orange, I was doing all of these scenes
[12:41]with myself and my co-stars.
[12:43]I think five of my co-stars it was.
[12:45]We were all in a janitor's closet.
[12:47]And there were these really incenseings where Taylor and I
[12:50]had to be, we were naked, ratchet a shower curtain
[12:52]with our hands duct tape behind our back, duct tape
[12:55]over our mouth.
[12:56]And we had to be lowered to the floor by two stunt guys
[13:00]before each take.
[13:01]And I would have duct tape over my mouth.
[13:03]And I'm just like, action.
[13:04]Because I was directing while I was acting in these scenes.
[13:08]And it was this totally surreal process.
[13:10]It turned out great.
[13:11]But then after that, we put all of those scenes
[13:14]at the end of the schedule.
[13:16]Because I knew they were going to be very, very trying on us.
[13:19]And I wanted to have a break right after her.
[13:21]And then right after we wraps and I wrapped my first episode
[13:24]directing, I found out I was pregnant.
[13:27]So I was pregnant during all those scenes.
[13:29]And it was just very surreal that then going back and directing
[13:32]again, now having my daughter and having
[13:36]a whole different perspective on it.
[13:39]It was, it's crazy.
[13:41]It really just shifts.
[13:43]You know what it did for me?
[13:44]I feel like when I first had my daughter, my priorities
[13:47]were so laser focused that it made it really
[13:52]made me not sweat the small stuff.
[13:55]Because now, my priorities were so focused
[13:57]in terms of protecting this child,
[14:00]that other things that might have stressed me out at work
[14:03]or whatever, I'm like, I got that.
[14:06]I mean, because the real stress of protecting this child
[14:10]comes in and that mama bear instincts.
[14:11]It really, that shift of priority was so fascinating to me.
[14:17]It's amazing.
[14:18]I feel like, you know, if there's like a pie of all the
[14:20]attention that your brain fills once you have kids,
[14:23]it all shifts.
[14:24]So everything needs to worry.
[14:25]It just becomes like this little sliver.
[14:28]It's so true.
[14:28]It's so true.
[14:29]And I love that.
[14:31]I really just reorganizes everything in a way
[14:35]that's just so the priorities are so crystal clear.
[14:38]And it's nice to have that.
[14:41]You don't sweat the stuff that used to bother you anymore.
[14:44]It's so fascinating how that happens.
[14:47]But yeah, I mean, like being a working mom,
[14:50]being a stay-at-home mom, I mean, it's just juggling all of it.
[14:53]We do what we can.
[14:54]And I'd never, I'd never go back
[14:56]because it's just such a blessing.
[14:59]It's crazy.
[14:59]But it's such a blessing.
[15:01]By the way, my kids, my older kids are almost 13
[15:04]and I have a five and six children.
[15:05]Oh my gosh.
[15:06]I have just as much postpartum anxiety now.
[15:09]It's totally like I am still,
[15:12]so it doesn't necessarily go away to your point
[15:14]about this relating to moms of all ages.
[15:16]Thank you.
[15:17]Yes, I got it.
[15:18]And how are you doing now with the baby?
[15:20]I know it's only been a few weeks,
[15:22]but this is a crazy time of life
[15:23]to bring a baby into the world.
[15:24]It's like, how do you feel?
[15:26]It is, you know what?
[15:28]I'm just so thankful that he came before everything
[15:33]before the isolation started and everything
[15:35]because I have friends that are, whether they're about to have
[15:39]a baby soon or have just had one,
[15:42]that their partners weren't even allowed
[15:45]in the room with them.
[15:45]Some of them weren't even allowed in the hospital.
[15:48]And that I couldn't imagine because going through your birth,
[15:52]whether it's easy or long or it's difficult
[15:56]or last birth was pretty difficult, again, all worth it.
[16:00]But I couldn't imagine, there were things that happened
[16:03]that were unforeseen, that none of us knew.
[16:06]Thank goodness everything turned out fine,
[16:07]but I couldn't imagine going through that without my partner.
[16:11]So I'm just so thankful that he came when he did
[16:15]and in spite of everything going on,
[16:18]it's these early days are so special.
[16:21]And we're just really trying to stay present
[16:25]because it goes by so quickly
[16:27]and that's one thing I'm really trying to do
[16:29]is just make sure I stay present even though
[16:32]I'm doing these wonderful things like talking to you
[16:34]and getting the word about the book out.
[16:36]But I'm really just trying to stay present in this moment
[16:38]and not let these days just wet by
[16:41]is what I'm really trying to focus on right now.
[16:43]Good luck with that.
[16:44]Yeah, seriously, it's a constant negotiation every day,
[16:49]but I'm trying, I'm trying.
[16:51]I know you haven't, all right,
[16:53]don't think you've announced your baby's name
[16:54]or you keep being in a secret.
[16:55]Yes, we are, we make all those decisions
[16:59]we make as a family and we decided to say the sex
[17:03]he was obviously, but we haven't mentioned the name yet.
[17:07]So that's something that I'll be the next discussion
[17:10]we have about it, but we make all those decisions
[17:12]as a family because it is a public thing.
[17:15]It does become public and so we just try to negotiate
[17:19]that carefully for them, for our children too,
[17:22]everyone in our type of industry
[17:25]when you're in the public eye,
[17:28]we take those things seriously
[17:31]and everyone has a different way
[17:32]than they go about it and there's no judgment,
[17:34]everyone's handled it in a different way,
[17:36]but for us we always talk about all those things
[17:39]and make sure it's the right thing
[17:40]for our children and our family.
[17:42]No, you have to, I mean, you have to, I mean.
[17:44]And then you recently came out with the story
[17:47]of your late term having to terminate a pregnancy late
[17:51]and I just read about it in people
[17:52]and I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
[17:54]That must have been just a really emotional, difficult time
[17:57]of life and it's really amazing
[17:59]what made you decide to come forward with it recently.
[18:02]You know, it was really difficult
[18:04]and I went to this dinner and, you know, again,
[18:10]this was a while ago, this was before I wrote the book.
[18:12]I went to this dinner with all of these wonderful mothers.
[18:15]I didn't really know anybody there
[18:18]and it was this really great dinner
[18:20]where we could sit down, break bread,
[18:22]have a glass of wine, there was no social media loud,
[18:24]you were not allowed to talk about it outside of this room.
[18:26]It was a very safe space and it was so...
[18:29]So now you're talking about it
[18:30]up down Instagram live.
[18:32]Well, no, this is a little guy,
[18:33]I wrote about it in the book and I wrote it in the book.
[18:36]Oh yeah, but yeah, no, I wrote about it in the book
[18:39]because this was the first time
[18:41]and I would never tell anybody
[18:43]what any other woman talked about.
[18:44]But what I talked about was that we did this dinner
[18:48]and it was a really safe space
[18:49]and it was, I think it was probably a year ago.
[18:53]I don't know, it was definitely before I started writing the book.
[18:55]So it might have been like 10 months ago or something.
[18:58]But we all went around and we said,
[19:00]one thing we loved about motherhood
[19:01]and then one thing we were struggling with
[19:03]and everyone told these wonderful stories
[19:05]and then it came to me and I had just gone through that.
[19:09]And I shared the story about the loss of the pregnancy
[19:13]that we just had to deal with.
[19:15]And it was still really fresh and I was really angry
[19:18]at my body and myself and I felt like a failure
[19:21]and I felt like I'd done something wrong,
[19:22]which isn't true because it's one of those things
[19:26]that just happened and I didn't do anything to cause it.
[19:30]But you have all these thoughts that don't make sense
[19:32]because you're just upset and angry at yourself.
[19:35]And I remember after the dinner,
[19:37]so many women came up to me and nobody had mentioned loss
[19:42]and they came up to me and they had told me
[19:45]how they experienced a similar thing.
[19:47]And I realized how many women have actually gone through that.
[19:51]How many women have actually gone through loss of pregnancy
[19:55]and having to either terminate them for different reasons
[19:58]which is heartbreaking enough.
[20:00]but also a situation like mine where it was just a health thing that became dangerous for myself
[20:07]and the baby. But I realized how many women had gone through something like that and how many
[20:13]women were ashamed to talk about it. So I felt like it was really important to tell that story and
[20:19]my husband and I had a very long conversation about it before I wrote about it. And he was really
[20:24]supportive and said, you should talk about this in the book. So again, we made that decision as
[20:31]a family and I wrote about it and I'm so glad that I did because I can't tell you how many women
[20:36]have since reading the book come forward and said, thank you so much for sharing that. We had a
[20:39]similar thing or just a miscarriage. It's shocking to hear the numbers of how much it actually
[20:46]happens. I had no idea. It's also shocking that women, you know, that it is like why don't we talk about
[20:53]I know. If the whole like, don't tell anyone you're pregnant until you get to 12 weeks,
[20:57]like those were some of the longest weeks of my life. Like, I know you're going through the worst
[21:02]or the most like physically changing time ever and you're not talking about it. And then if it
[21:09]doesn't work out, you can't talk about that either. I don't know. It doesn't make any sense.
[21:13]Well, it goes back to what you said earlier where you mentioned that I was talking to a
[21:17]friend of mine who when I said what's hard about motherhood before I had my daughter and
[21:22]and she looked over both of her shoulders like leaned in and told me like it was a secret and
[21:27]I'm like, why don't we restate? Why does this, you know, the fact that we don't have it all together
[21:33]all the time? And as a mom, you know, we mess up. And we should own that. We're human. We're not
[21:42]perfect. Why is this a secret? So that's another reason to why I felt like I wanted to write this
[21:49]book because even now there's still a lot of things that are kind of shrouded in darkness.
[21:55]In terms of that sometimes it is a struggle. It's the most wonderful thing I've ever experienced
[22:01]being a mother, but it's also the hardest thing I've ever experienced. And we should be able to
[22:07]say that and not be judged. You know, so that's something that I really want this book to speak to
[22:13]also is that we don't have it all together and it's okay. It's totally okay. It's so nice that you use
[22:19]like your own platform to spread that message because, you know, we can all shout it from the
[22:24]rooftops or whatever, but like the fact that you would write this book and take the time and come
[22:29]out and just tell it like it is is so helpful. And I think make so many people feel less alone
[22:34]when they're going through these similar things and not feeling validated or feeling shame or
[22:38]all the rest of it. So it's really awesome. Thank you for writing it. Thank you. I really appreciate
[22:45]that. And I appreciate you having me on to talk about it. It means a lot to me and I hope that
[22:50]people enjoy the book and get a lot out of it. I'm sure they will. Thank you so much for coming on
[22:55]and so it's really a pleasure. So hang in there with your baby and through the
[22:59]your kids. Wow. Yeah. Thanks. Yeah. Thank you, Zippy, for having me. Of course. Thanks for coming
[23:07]on. Okay. Bye. Bye. Thanks again for listening today, everybody. And don't forget to check out
[23:13]we found time.com and it's also available on zippyowens.com is a tab, but also we found time.com.
[23:20]Check out the essays and go to Instagram at zippyowens and check out my Instagram lives 11 a.m.
[23:26]12 p.m. Every weekday Monday to Friday during quarantine where I interview four to five authors live
[23:32]for a few minutes each. Please check it out. And thanks for listening. I really appreciate it.
[23:37]Bye. You've been listening to moms and have time to read books with zippyowens. Please make sure
[23:41]to sign up for my newsletter at zippyowens.com to get more updates about episodes like these
[23:47]and also lots of live events. Thanks again for listening today, everybody. And don't forget to
[23:51]check out we found time.com. And it's also available on zippyowens.com is a tab, but also
[23:58]at we found time.com. Check out the essays and go to Instagram at zippyowens and check out my Instagram
[24:04]lives 11 a.m. to 12 p.m. Every weekday Monday to Friday during this quarantine where I interview
[24:09]four to five authors live for a few minutes each. Please check it out. And thanks for listening.
[24:14]I really appreciate it. You can follow me on Instagram at moms don't have time to read books.
[24:19]Thanks so much to Steve and Ryan at Texturesound for the Sound Editing. And thank you to
[24:24]Morning Moon Productions for providing this fantastic intro and out trim music. Thanks for listening.
[24:29]You could always email me at zippyowens.com.