Tonya Dalton, THE JOY OF MISSING OUT
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[0:49]Tonya Dalton is the author of The Joy of Missing Out.
[0:52]Live More by Doing Less.
[0:54]Tonya is the founder and CEO of Inkwell Press Productivity Co.,
[0:57]a business focused on helping women create fulfilling lives around their priorities.
[1:01]Her podcast Productivity Paradox has been downloaded more than a million times
[1:06]since its launch in 2017.
[1:08]She currently lives with her husband and two children in Asheville, North Carolina.
[1:12]Welcome, Tonya.
[1:12]Thanks for coming on mom's time to read books.
[1:14]Thank you so much for having me.
[1:16]I'm so excited to be here.
[1:17]Oh, it's so great to have you here in person.
[1:19]I love it.
[1:19]I do too.
[1:20]I love that we're doing this in person, because most podcasts you do either video,
[1:24]or you do over the phone, and this is just so nice.
[1:27]And I feel like I followed you for a long time, and it's so nice to finally get to meet you.
[1:31]No, it's so different.
[1:32]I feel like when you're actually with someone, you can have a normal conversation,
[1:36]and look them in the eye, and it's much harder for me to do over the phone.
[1:39]I agree.
[1:40]I agree.
[1:40]You get those awkward pauses.
[1:41]This is just nice.
[1:42]Yeah.
[1:43]Hang it out.
[1:43]Get out of it.
[1:44]Get out of it.
[1:44]Get out of it.
[1:45]You know.
[1:46]Anyway, so in that vein, can you tell everybody what The Joy of Missing Out is about?
[1:50]This is your first book.
[1:52]It is.
[1:53]Yes.
[1:54]I am so excited about The Joy of Missing Out, because honestly, it is more than a book to me.
[1:58]It's a movement.
[1:59]To really help women stop feeling that heavy burden of busy.
[2:03]I feel like we think that we are supposed to be busy, and when we're not busy,
[2:06]we are somehow failing.
[2:08]So the book really is about how do you create a life for yourself that isn't busy,
[2:13]is really focused on what matters most, but still allowing you to get the things done that
[2:18]you need to get done, because you still gotta do laundry, you still gotta pay the bills,
[2:21]you still help all those other things to do.
[2:23]So how do we make it so that we have a priority-centered life while still focusing on what matters most,
[2:28]and using the majority of our time to do that?
[2:30]So it really is a system to create that in your own life.
[2:33]Which is what I'm excited about.
[2:34]What do you do?
[2:35]What's the question?
[2:36]That's a good question.
[2:38]We walked through the four steps in the book of discovery, clarity, simplicity, and harmony.
[2:44]And each one is designed to build upon the last.
[2:47]So the first step really is discovery, because I think this is why productivity has failed so
[2:52]many people.
[2:52]While I hear from people, they're like, oh, I've tried all these systems.
[2:56]They don't really work for me.
[2:57]I truly believe it's because there's this whole rigid system, and you are supposed to wrap your
[3:01]life around that.
[3:03]And it doesn't work, because we have things that we're good at and things that we
[3:06]don't like and things that are weaknesses and all those things.
[3:09]And we're trying to fit this very rigid system.
[3:11]So I truly believe that it is you and your priorities, it's hit front and center,
[3:15]and then we wrap the whole system and work it around you.
[3:18]So that your priorities, your purpose, your passion, that is a center point,
[3:22]and everything works around that.
[3:24]It plays to your strengths, it plays to your weaknesses.
[3:27]So that's the first step is really discovering who you are, what's your purpose,
[3:30]what's your passion, what are your priorities.
[3:32]And then we build on that, and we talk about clarity.
[3:35]So let's clarify, how do you spend the majority of your day on what's truly important?
[3:39]How do you prioritize?
[3:41]How do you figure out where to spend your time, your energy, and your focus?
[3:44]And then that third step is all about simplicity, because you do still have to pay the bills.
[3:48]You still have to do laundry, you have all those little tasks that have to be done.
[3:52]So how do we make it so that those things are not taking up the majority of our time?
[3:56]So that they're still happening, still getting done, but they're not the stress,
[4:00]and they're not the focus of our day.
[4:02]And then the fourth step is harmony, which is let's bring this all together and create harmony in
[4:06]our lives. So I talk about in the book that there's no balance.
[4:10]We don't want balance. If everything is balanced and perfectly even, we're not really moving
[4:15]in any direction. We're not growing in our personal life. We're not growing professionally.
[4:20]We have to lean into priorities. So let's do away with that idea of balance,
[4:24]and let's really figure out how to use all these three steps we've done, the discovery,
[4:28]the clarity, and the simplicity. How do we bring that all together to create harmony in our own lives?
[4:33]So it all kind of wraps together. Wow.
[4:37]So when I have mine to do this, and I pick up your book, and I'm trying to figure out if I should
[4:44]like deal with like the saved the dates for my son's pharma, or if I should start preparing for my
[4:51]next podcast, or if I should like order the thing my other daughter needs, how would your system
[4:58]help me clarify what I should do next? I love this question because this is part of the reason why,
[5:03]and in the book, I say, you got to toss the to-do list. Because I think the to-do list
[5:07]is one of the things that really does work against us. It's so long. It's overwhelming. It's scattered.
[5:14]It's unorganized. And so I like to tell people overwhelm isn't having too much to do. It's not
[5:19]knowing where to start. And a to-do list doesn't tell you where to start. In fact, usually you'll
[5:24]go for like the quick, easy wins on your to-do list that don't really drive you forward. They're
[5:29]not really the important things, but they're quick, easy things that we can scratch off. And we
[5:33]love it. I love it. I love it. I mean, how many times have you written something down on your list
[5:39]just to scratch it off, right? I have done that. Yep. All of a sudden, if I don't write it down,
[5:44]I don't ever remember to do it. It's like my brain is overloaded. Yeah. No, I totally agree. And I
[5:50]do believe in writing things down. But instead of doing a to-do list, make a priority list. So I
[5:55]like to say that a priority list is a to-do list with intention. So it's the same thing as a to-do
[6:01]list. It takes the same amount of time. It takes the same truly amount of effort. It's just a
[6:05]little bit of extra thought into it and prioritizing. So I have a whole system that we walk through in the
[6:11]where we take our tasks and we prioritize them into three categories. Escalate, cultivate, and accommodate.
[6:18]So we start at the top with tasks that are important. And when I say important, I mean,
[6:23]they're tied to a goal. They are connected to our North Star, which is our mission, our vision,
[6:28]our core values. They are things that are advantageous in our lives. They're good investments in
[6:33]ourselves that our future selves will appreciate. Be grateful for. And there are things that are
[6:38]essential that really do have to be done by us. So at the very top, important and urgent.
[6:44]So still have an urgent deadline. But these are things that are really important. And then next
[6:49]on our list is the cultivate tasks. And these are the things that often get pushed aside because
[6:54]they're important and they really will help drive us forward. But because they're not urgent,
[6:59]they don't have the screaming deadline. They get pushed aside to be done later. That happens a
[7:04]lot. This is where things live like registering for a class that will really help you out.
[7:08]Or working on your family budget. Or any of those things that really are helpful in our lives.
[7:14]But they don't have this really looming deadline. Like making photo albums.
[7:18]Like making photo albums of the kids. That's a great one. Because it's something that is really
[7:23]meaningful for you. And we'll bring a lot of joy and happiness. And so it's advantageous.
[7:28]It's linked to your North Star. Because for many of us, our North Star is tied a lot to our families.
[7:33]But because it's not this urgent deadline, we're like, I'll do it later. I'll do it later.
[7:37]And then we have that guilt. Oh, I haven't done the photo albums. Right? Yes. Yes.
[7:41]So that's a cultivate task. So I say you do the escalate, then the cultivate. And then at the bottom,
[7:47]that's our accommodate area. Those are tasks that are not really important, but they're urgent.
[7:52]And here's the thing is so often we tackle those first because they're urgent. They're like
[7:58]screaming out at us. They're the fires. They're the things with exclamation marks. It's
[8:01]returning the t-shirt to target. It's running to the dry cleaners. It's those things that
[8:06]need to be done. But we're starting our day there instead of just accommodating them and squeezing
[8:11]them into our day and focusing our time instead on that escalate and that cultivate level.
[8:17]So when you have a priority list, you start at the top and you work your way down,
[8:21]you know where to start, what to work on next. And that is so empowering. I feel like when we feel
[8:26]like we know the direction our day is going, we feel like we own our day instead of our day
[8:31]owning us. So I feel like the first step though is acknowledging the problem.
[8:36]Like that's always the first step, right? Like that life is chaos and you're overwhelmed.
[8:41]Yes. And then turning to a system like yours. Yes. And being like, okay, I'm going to actually
[8:47]now step back and think through this whole thing because that's like a big leap. And like,
[8:51]it is. I feel like you don't have the time to even like step back from the day to day
[8:55]urgency stuff. It's true, but that's that whole idea of investing in yourself, right? That
[9:01]you think to yourself, I don't have the time, but really we do have the time. We just need to
[9:05]prioritize it. No, you're absolutely right. I'm not saying. Oh, no, no. Some stuff on the book in the
[9:11]plan. Good job with your business and everything. You know, you're on the right track. I didn't mean
[9:16]no, it's not worth spending time. I just mean like when I like try to wrap my head around,
[9:20]should I do this? Like it's just then you still have to take a step back to like think about things
[9:24]in a, you know, farther view. I totally agree. I think our biggest stumbling block oftentimes
[9:31]is that whole idea of I don't have the time or I don't have, I can't do this right now.
[9:36]I'm so busy chasing after all the other things that are keeping us busy. But this is why
[9:41]we run around all day long. We check a thousand things off our to-do list and we slide into bed
[9:45]at night and we think, why am I getting more done? And we feel unsatisfied and successful. And
[9:50]that's a terrible way to end our days. We should be ending our days feeling really good. And
[9:56]you know, I like to tell people, yes, maybe you checked 30 things off your
[10:00]Ask list, but if you're going in 30 different directions,
[10:02]if you're standing and you take 30 steps
[10:04]in 30 different directions, where you can end up.
[10:06]Not really anywhere, right?
[10:07]Maybe in the same spot where you were when you started.
[10:10]But if you instead chose to make three steps,
[10:13]three intentional steps in one forward direction,
[10:16]where you can end up closer to where you wanna go.
[10:19]And that's the thing, it really is this idea,
[10:21]this intentionality, this unhurried purpose
[10:24]that we truly want to have in our days.
[10:27]And I think that for many people,
[10:28]if you're finding that when people ask you,
[10:30]how are you?
[10:31]And you're answering what that word, busy all the time.
[10:35]That's a sign that we need to change
[10:37]because we don't wanna be busy.
[10:38]Busy feels exhausting, it feels just,
[10:42]it doesn't feel heart-filling, you know?
[10:44]I think we're so busy filling our days.
[10:46]We're not taking the time to fill our souls.
[10:48]And when we live a life that's truly focused on our priorities,
[10:52]we end our days feeling so satisfied
[10:54]and so much more successful.
[10:56]And that is what I want for women everywhere.
[10:58]is to feel this really great feeling
[11:01]when they're headed to the pillow at the end of the day.
[11:03]I feel like you should run for office.
[11:04]Oh my gosh, no, thank you.
[11:06]No, thank you.
[11:07]So like Seth possessed and put together
[11:09]with like such a platform, I don't know.
[11:10]I feel like I could see you getting up there.
[11:12]I don't know.
[11:13]Just, I'll start with a geoma movement,
[11:15]that's where we're going back pocket.
[11:18]So now let's see the like not so perfect side of you.
[11:21]In the book, you reveal that you basically
[11:23]had this major meltdown on the floor.
[11:25]You couldn't figure out what to do next,
[11:26]you were a mess.
[11:27]And that's part of how you came up
[11:29]with devising this whole system.
[11:30]So let us see a little bit of the mess.
[11:34]Yeah, I like how you said there's a story of me.
[11:36]Like there's lots of times where I fall apart.
[11:40]This is what I find interesting.
[11:41]When I tell people like, oh, you know,
[11:43]they'll say, oh, I really struggle sometimes
[11:45]with motivation or procrastination.
[11:47]And I'll say, oh, yes, I deal with that.
[11:49]They're like, hold on, what?
[11:51]You're a productivity expert.
[11:52]I'm like, well, I'm still a human.
[11:54]So we still struggle with it.
[11:56]It's all learning about who you are
[11:59]and then how do you best deal with it?
[12:01]And so for me, yes, there have been times,
[12:04]I tell the story in the book of me seriously
[12:06]turning in circles in my kitchen.
[12:07]I drop my kid's office school and I'm raising home
[12:11]and I get home because I have so much to do.
[12:13]And I say in my kitchen, I'm like, where do I start?
[12:15]Do I do here?
[12:16]Do I do this?
[12:17]Do I do that?
[12:18]And I literally turned in circles and I collapsed
[12:21]and cried for 15 minutes.
[12:23]And then when I cried, I was so irritated and angry
[12:26]with myself for wasting that time crying
[12:29]that I just get up and I just push myself forward, right?
[12:33]And that's the worst feeling in the world.
[12:35]So I went through this phase in my life
[12:37]where I was experiencing this a lot,
[12:39]where I was experiencing a lot of this frustration
[12:41]of not really knowing where I should spend my days
[12:44]because I was wearing myself out.
[12:47]And I was so tired of being worn out
[12:50]and quite frankly, disappointed in myself.
[12:53]There's nothing worse than feeling disappointed
[12:55]in yourself, right?
[12:57]So I got tired of that.
[12:58]I had this, I had this story.
[13:00]I don't even tell it in the book,
[13:01]but this time where I am standing in the kitchen
[13:05]and I'm stirring a pot of spaghetti
[13:07]and Kate and Jack are playing at my feet,
[13:09]which is where the kids always are when you're cooking anything
[13:12]and you're under your pants leg when they're that age.
[13:14]And I hear the garage door open
[13:16]and I'm so relieved that my husband is home.
[13:17]I'm like, okay, great.
[13:19]He's home, he's gonna help take care of the kids.
[13:22]And I'm seeing they're stirring this pot of spaghetti
[13:24]and he doesn't come in, he doesn't come in.
[13:27]And a minute passes and two minutes pass
[13:29]and three minutes pass, and about four minutes
[13:31]I've about lost it.
[13:32]Like I'm just steam, it's coming out of my ears
[13:34]and I stomp over to the garage door
[13:36]and I fling it open and I see him sitting in his car,
[13:39]listening to some radio bit, laughing at it.
[13:42]And I was so, I love my husband,
[13:45]but I was so mad because I thought to myself,
[13:48]what, I cannot believe that he is out there enjoying himself.
[13:52]I would never do that for myself.
[13:55]And that was my moment where I went,
[13:58]I would never give myself five minutes
[13:59]to enjoy laughing in the car.
[14:01]I wouldn't allow myself just a little bit of time
[14:03]and space to transition from work into home.
[14:06]I wouldn't give my, what, why was it that I felt
[14:10]like I had to fill my day so much
[14:11]that I couldn't even gift myself five minutes?
[14:15]And that was for me a big transition.
[14:17]That was when I was like, okay, I've got to make a change.
[14:19]So I did, I made the change in my own life
[14:21]and then in talking with women
[14:24]and really meeting with them and hearing their struggles,
[14:26]that was what really got me wanting to work with women
[14:29]and really helping them reshift their priorities
[14:33]and really make it so those really what shined
[14:35]in the spotlight of their days.
[14:38]And so that just began to grow.
[14:40]And so I opened up Inkwell Press,
[14:41]which is a productivity company focused
[14:43]on helping women live productive lives,
[14:45]which means not doing more,
[14:47]but doing what's most important.
[14:49]And then I started a podcast and I made courses
[14:51]and now we have the book.
[14:52]So it's just grown and grown
[14:54]because I truly believe women are underrepresented
[14:58]when we talk about productivity.
[15:00]If you look at the books that are out there,
[15:03]they're all from men.
[15:05]They're all, our shelves are filled with books from men,
[15:07]men like David and Tim and Steven at Wright.
[15:11]There's no women out there talking about
[15:14]the unique perspective we have as women,
[15:17]the things that we struggle with,
[15:19]that because it is different from what a lot of men struggle with.
[15:22]So I wanted to write,
[15:23]I like to say it's like my love letter to women
[15:25]that it's like, it's gonna be okay.
[15:26]We can get this figured out,
[15:27]I understand your struggles, I've been there.
[15:30]I've been a stay-at-home mom,
[15:31]I've been a work-at-home mom,
[15:32]I've been a full-time working mom, I get it.
[15:35]I get the mom guilt, I get the frustrations,
[15:38]I get it that you can't even go to the bathroom
[15:40]by yourself sometimes and you're like,
[15:42]can I have five minutes to myself?
[15:44]So I wanted to write a book that really leaned into that
[15:46]and showed them that this is possible.
[15:49]And in fact, it's not just my stories in the book,
[15:51]it's stories of other women in all walks of life
[15:54]who've applied this system and made it work for them
[15:57]and are now living happier lives.
[16:00]So that's what I want out of this book.
[16:02]I really want women to feel so good about their days.
[16:05]So you don't just want them to miss out.
[16:07]No, no, I want to miss out on the clutter
[16:10]and the noise in their life and the busyness.
[16:13]I think if we think about that ideal day
[16:15]that we dream about, sometimes when you're in the shower
[16:18]and you're thinking about wouldn't it be nice
[16:20]if this was happening in my life,
[16:21]there's so many amazing, beautiful things in that day.
[16:24]But there's a lot of things that are missing.
[16:26]The feeling of guilt that you feel like you have to say yes
[16:30]to everything and set us saying yes to the things
[16:32]you want to, the feeling of being stretched too thin,
[16:34]the feeling of being busy
[16:37]and feeling like you don't have five seconds to yourself.
[16:39]Let's choose to miss out on those things
[16:42]because there really is joy and happiness
[16:44]already in our days, we just have to find it.
[16:46]It's already there. Let's just discover it.
[16:49]So you took your own personal struggle
[16:51]and turned it into a business to help other people.
[16:54]You sell these amazing products,
[16:55]which are like adorable as well.
[16:57]They're like aesthetically, adorable, strong wind.
[16:59]Like aesthetically, super pleasing, you know.
[17:02]Yes, I want them to be, this is the thing
[17:03]is I believe that things should be really functional.
[17:06]But let's make them beautiful.
[17:07]So we want you to use those. Thank you.
[17:08]Those are better words.
[17:09]We want to use them.
[17:10]I want it to feel like planning your day feels
[17:13]like this beautiful ritual, kind of like a Japanese tea ceremony
[17:16]where it's just, yes, drinking tea is a regular everyday thing.
[17:19]Planning is a regular everyday thing.
[17:21]Let's make it beautiful.
[17:22]Let's make it something you look forward to.
[17:24]So you were so busy that you decided to like
[17:27]add a million things on to your plate now, right?
[17:30]So you already had your system without the buckets,
[17:32]but now you have like a whole new thing.
[17:34]You have to integrate into your already busy life.
[17:37]Yes. So like, how do you go about like,
[17:39]when you woke up this morning,
[17:40]did you go through and make the list
[17:42]the way you were just describing?
[17:43]How do you, how do you just like get through the day?
[17:46]Yes. What do you do when like things come up
[17:48]that totally throw you off like a sickness
[17:51]or you know, just something that gets you off?
[17:53]Yep. Oh, I know.
[17:54]Because let's be honest, lots of this.
[17:56]That's like, oh, because that is totally life.
[17:58]Especially if you're a mom, that is absolutely life.
[18:02]And so you'll see that word flexible show up
[18:04]again and again and again and again in the book.
[18:06]I think so many systems are so rigid
[18:08]and they are so structured
[18:10]that they don't really work for you.
[18:12]We want to create a system and that's all about
[18:14]customizing the system that works for you and your life.
[18:16]So place your strengths, but place also to your weaknesses
[18:19]and allows that flexibility for a kid crawling
[18:22]into your bed at three o'clock in the morning
[18:24]for waking up with allergies for life.
[18:27]So truly one of the things that I do every day
[18:29]and we talk about this in the book
[18:30]because I have a whole system of how do you create structure
[18:33]for your days and your weeks?
[18:34]But I do plan each day as it comes.
[18:37]So I don't sit down on Sunday and say,
[18:39]okay, this is what I'm doing Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,
[18:41]Thursday, there's no flexibility in that.
[18:44]So I sit down on Sundays.
[18:46]I do Sunday planning with my family,
[18:47]which I call team planning.
[18:49]I'm really big on bringing in your team.
[18:51]We talk a lot about how you bring your family into this,
[18:54]this productivity system.
[18:55]So I do that on Sundays for my family and Mondays for work.
[18:58]But on Sundays, I sit down and I map out.
[19:01]These are the things I'd like to have happen.
[19:03]And then each morning, I spend about 10 minutes
[19:05]at the very most mapping out my day and creating my list.
[19:09]And that way I'm able to say,
[19:10]okay, you know what, today feels really good.
[19:12]I'm gonna be able to get these things done.
[19:14]Or you know what, today's just not good.
[19:16]It's raining, the kids were late to school,
[19:18]the alarm didn't go off, you know, whatever it is.
[19:21]And we can adjust.
[19:22]If you're not giving yourself that grace,
[19:24]if you're not giving yourself that flexibility in your life,
[19:27]it is so hard to keep up to these standards
[19:30]that we are setting for ourselves.
[19:31]These impossibly high standards.
[19:34]So, you know, if you plan out every single day of the week
[19:38]and Tuesday is just a hot mess,
[19:41]but you've already planned everything you're doing Wednesday,
[19:43]you wake up Wednesday with Tuesday's tasks
[19:46]and Wednesday's tasks.
[19:47]It's no wonder that we feel exhausted
[19:49]and it's not even 8am, right?
[19:51]Because we already feel like we have failed
[19:53]before we've gotten out of bed
[19:55]because we're already behind.
[19:56]So let's do away with that.
[19:58]Let's just spend five, 10 minutes.
[20:00]minutes at the start of each day,
[20:01]planning what you want to do for that day.
[20:03]We walk through that whole system in the book.
[20:05]So it's really, I like to say it's all simple,
[20:09]huge movements.
[20:10]And the fact that they are really easy to implement,
[20:13]they're very, very simple to do, yet monumental,
[20:16]and the impact it can make on your day.
[20:17]It really can make a huge difference.
[20:19]So tell me about this becoming a book.
[20:21]When did you decide you wanted the system to be
[20:24]memorialized and rolled out across the world
[20:28]for everybody to use?
[20:29]And when did you write like, when do you like to write?
[20:31]Do you write in the morning, do you write?
[20:33]And do you go to a coffee shop and like,
[20:34]give me a mental image of this?
[20:35]Yes.
[20:36]So I wanted to be an author since I was 12 years old,
[20:39]standing in the front of Mr. Carlisle's sixth grade classroom.
[20:42]So this is always Mr. Carlisle.
[20:44]Yeah, thanks for the luck, thanks for the luck.
[20:46]Thanks for the luck, it really did plant this seed.
[20:49]And I would revisit this goal of mine to write a book.
[20:53]And of course, when I was in the sixth grade,
[20:54]I wasn't like, I'm going to write a productivity book
[20:56]with systems in it.
[20:57]It was more like, I want to write a book
[20:59]and I want to be an author because I love to write.
[21:02]So each year I kind of revisit it
[21:03]and I would be like, no, this is not the right time,
[21:05]this is going on or, and you know,
[21:08]it all kind of came to fruition in October,
[21:12]I guess now I have the worst time with years
[21:14]because I'm always making planners for different years.
[21:16]So in 2017, where I was approached by a couple of publishers,
[21:21]I was actually approached by two publishers
[21:23]who told me they wanted to publish my book.
[21:25]Amazing.
[21:26]Because I've been doing my podcast at that point
[21:29]for probably like a year, year and a half maybe.
[21:31]And they were listening to my podcast episodes.
[21:34]They were like, we think you got a book in you.
[21:35]And I was like, oh my gosh, this is what I've always dreamed of.
[21:39]So I sat down and I actually said no to those opportunities.
[21:43]So we talk about this whole idea of finding your yes,
[21:45]that it feels like, ooh, I should have said,
[21:47]should I have said yes to that?
[21:48]I said no because I wanted to give myself space
[21:50]to really map it out.
[21:51]I didn't want to just write a book.
[21:52]I wanted to write the book that I was made to write.
[21:56]That's what I wanted.
[21:56]So I wanted to spend some time really figuring out
[21:59]and mapping it all out.
[22:01]And then I mapped it out.
[22:02]And then I started the actual writing process.
[22:04]So I started mapping that out.
[22:06]So they approached me in October.
[22:08]I started mapping it out in January.
[22:10]Then I brought it to the publishing world in June, July.
[22:14]And throughout that whole entire process,
[22:16]I just started writing.
[22:16]My heart was on fire with this book.
[22:18]I was so excited to write it.
[22:20]I was getting up around 420 in the morning to write.
[22:24]I'm not a morning person.
[22:26]But you must be.
[22:27]Well, it's funny because I'm not, if you ask my mom,
[22:29]she's like, oh, she is not a morning person.
[22:32]But I think that for me, waking up that early
[22:36]and having that time for myself that the whole house is quiet
[22:40]and no one is up.
[22:41]No one is asking me for anything at work or the kids or anyone.
[22:46]And it's fully my time, even though I'm not a morning person,
[22:50]that just fulfills me, having that time and space for myself.
[22:54]So I would get up.
[22:55]What time do you go to bed then if you get up at 420?
[22:57]I go to bed around 10 or so.
[22:58]Yeah.
[22:59]So not too early, not too late.
[23:01]I just wondered what you guys are doing.
[23:03]Oh, no.
[23:04]Let me just try a little more.
[23:05]That's OK.
[23:06]I was so happy to be here, you watching.
[23:08]You guys.
[23:09]Well, and that was one of the things that I chose to do.
[23:11]I told my husband, I said, no new TV shows.
[23:14]Mm-hmm.
[23:14]We're not, I'm not going to be tempted to binge watch a TV show
[23:17]because I am gifting my time to the book.
[23:21]Last night my husband was like, I can't believe you haven't
[23:23]watched a beep.
[23:24]You know, we should just watch all of it start to finish every season.
[23:27]And I was like, what?
[23:28]I'm already stressed out about how I'm going to fit in the next season of like,
[23:30]Mrs. Maisel when it comes out.
[23:31]Oh, my gosh.
[23:32]Right?
[23:32]I was like, how am I going to fit in all of the people?
[23:35]What?
[23:35]No.
[23:36]Yes.
[23:36]Well, I think this is the thing is we don't
[23:38]be like we have the time, but if you prioritize and you say,
[23:40]OK, not prioritize and beep.
[23:41]No.
[23:44]Yeah.
[23:44]If you prioritize it, that time is there.
[23:47]We just have to discover it.
[23:48]So I get up.
[23:49]I drink 16 ounces of water.
[23:51]That's my first thing I do.
[23:52]I bet you're going to say coffee.
[23:53]But OK, fine.
[23:54]No, I drink water because I did just a little bit of research.
[23:58]And I found that we wake up dehydrated.
[24:00]That's why we're grumpy.
[24:01]That's why we're tired.
[24:02]Because we haven't had anything to drink for like eight hours.
[24:04]So when I started drinking 16 ounces of water,
[24:07]first thing, I made that into a habit.
[24:08]And we talk about habits in the book.
[24:10]I made that into a habit.
[24:11]I was like, oh wow, I feel so much better if that's the first thing I do.
[24:15]It really, and it's 25% of my water intake for the day.
[24:19]So I'm like, double check mark on that.
[24:21]I feel better.
[24:22]I feel like I just got a little win in my day,
[24:24]built up a little momentum.
[24:26]And then I brush my teeth.
[24:27]I go out into the living room.
[24:29]I generally start the fire, because I live in the mountains
[24:31]of North Carolina.
[24:32]So it's generally cold in the morning.
[24:33]I light the fire.
[24:34]I do some stretches.
[24:35]I sit on my couch.
[24:36]That's where I like to write.
[24:38]And I write.
[24:39]And I write.
[24:39]And I write.
[24:40]And I write.
[24:40]And then probably around six o'clock,
[24:43]I close the computer up.
[24:45]And I go and I wake my kids up for the day.
[24:48]And then I come back downstairs and I get back in bed
[24:51]with my husband for 10 minutes.
[24:53]And that is what I call my million-dollar minutes.
[24:55]That is time that I'm very intentional with my marriage,
[24:58]where I focus in on my husband for 10 minutes.
[25:00]A lot of times, we may not even talk.
[25:02]Sometimes we're just like cuddling in bed.
[25:04]Sometimes we do it in these 10 minutes here.
[25:07]There's a lot of laughter.
[25:09]So the kids are awake.
[25:10]And then you're back in bed.
[25:12]I'm back in bed.
[25:13]And we're just kind of there.
[25:14]Locked the door and this is the thing.
[25:15]No, we're not doing that kind of thing.
[25:17]We're just really kind of connecting.
[25:19]All right.
[25:20]Yes.
[25:21]I mean, I'm not saying that hasn't happened.
[25:22]But it's more connecting.
[25:24]And so a lot of times we're laughing,
[25:26]or we're just kind of chatting,
[25:27]or we're just kind of sitting there together,
[25:30]being very intentional.
[25:31]And I call it my million-dollar minutes,
[25:33]because quite frankly, if that time was gone tomorrow,
[25:36]I would pay a million dollars to get it back.
[25:38]Oh, it is so exciting.
[25:39]It makes me want to cry.
[25:40]It's just, and I feel like we have these million-dollar minutes
[25:43]throughout our day.
[25:44]But a lot of times we allow them to slip through our fingers.
[25:47]When our kids come in the kitchen,
[25:48]and we're busy making dinner,
[25:49]and they want to tell us something that happened at school.
[25:51]And we don't feel like we can stop
[25:53]and really give them the attention.
[25:55]But if we really, you know, years from now,
[25:57]when our kids are gone from the house,
[25:58]we will wish for those moments.
[26:00]Won't we?
[26:01]We will long for those moments.
[26:03]And it's hard to remember that when you're in the trenches.
[26:06]It is so hard.
[26:07]And so I try to be really intentional
[26:09]and try to give everybody in my family
[26:11]a little bit of a million-dollar minutes each day.
[26:13]My unfocused time,
[26:14]I'm not unfocused.
[26:15]My truly focused time on them
[26:18]where I am, I'm giving them me,
[26:20]and they're giving me them.
[26:22]And that deepens our relationship.
[26:24]And I know that that time is so precious and valuable.
[26:28]So what is like your secret advice?
[26:31]Like when everything falls off the rail, right?
[26:33]Like what is it that's bad that you do?
[26:35]I feel like you have like your whole life
[26:37]is like honed to perfection.
[26:39]Oh, I know that you do that.
[26:40]No, I know.
[26:41]Nobody can do that.
[26:42]What do you do when like, you know,
[26:43]you're having like the worst day ever?
[26:45]Do you like go eat secretly in the closet?
[26:48]Like what's your advice?
[26:49]I would go read books, non-stop.
[26:52]No, that does not count.
[26:53]It doesn't count.
[26:54]That is not what I was looking for.
[26:56]No, because when I read books,
[26:57]I get seriously anti-social.
[26:59]Nobody can bother me.
[27:00]You're not gonna admit it.
[27:01]That's okay.
[27:02]You don't have to.
[27:04]You can just put more on the perfect video.
[27:06]No, I am, and by no means, perfect.
[27:09]Because none of us are.
[27:10]I have my own weaknesses and the things, you know,
[27:12]I have moments of crying in the closet
[27:14]because I don't want the kids to know I'm crying,
[27:16]crumbled up in a heap.
[27:18]I am no different than anyone else.
[27:20]And that isn't it?
[27:20]Just playing with you.
[27:21]No, I know.
[27:22]I'm just so impressed by how together you are.
[27:25]But I think this is the thing is that, you know,
[27:27]all these things that I do in my life,
[27:29]I truly believe any woman can do
[27:31]because I like to say I'm not,
[27:33]I'm nothing special.
[27:34]I mean, my mom thinks I'm special.
[27:35]My husband thinks I'm special, but I'm not unique.
[27:38]I just am very intentional about how I choose
[27:41]to spend my time because your time,
[27:44]your focus and your energy are these resources
[27:46]that we have that are gifts.
[27:48]And we hand them out to anyone and everyone
[27:50]on the street strangers on the street
[27:51]or get handed out like they're just, you know,
[27:53]dollar bills that we have to pass out.
[27:56]And instead, let's choose to really invest them.
[27:58]So it really is this whole idea being mindful
[28:00]and being intentional with how we gift our time
[28:03]because the time you give, that is a gift
[28:06]that you're giving to other people.
[28:07]So what is on your horizon next?
[28:10]What is, what are you about to make time for?
[28:12]What's new?
[28:12]What's coming up?
[28:14]Well, really this book, I mean, honestly,
[28:16]I have, you know, all leading up to this
[28:18]for the past year.
[28:19]I've been preparing my family
[28:21]and I've been preparing my team at work
[28:23]to say this book is the priority for this season
[28:26]in my life.
[28:27]And so I'm gonna be traveling more
[28:29]and I'm gonna be, you know, doing more interviews
[28:31]and I'm going to be focused on the book.
[28:33]And this builds in that whole idea of harmony
[28:35]that this is my priority I'm leaning into.
[28:37]And after the new year, I've already made plans
[28:39]to like lean back into family time
[28:41]and lean a little bit heavier into that.
[28:44]So that's really been the,
[28:45]that's the focus right now for me
[28:47]is really getting this book into the hands
[28:49]of as many women as I can.
[28:51]Getting this joy of missing out movement,
[28:53]this JoMo movement going
[28:55]because the women who've read the book
[28:56]have been so excited and they are wanting
[28:59]to help spread the movement.
[29:00]And so I truly believe that when we come together
[29:03]as women, we are capable of doing amazing,
[29:05]incredible things.
[29:06]So that is what I want.
[29:07]That's what I'm focusing on.
[29:09]And just quickly on your podcast
[29:11]that you've had over a million downloads.
[29:13]That's amazing.
[29:15]Thank you.
[29:15]How did you do that?
[29:17]Well, you know, I really focus.
[29:20]I'm intentional.
[29:21]I need to surprise you here that word come up.
[29:23]With my podcast, I do each season is a focus
[29:27]and I have a topic that we cover.
[29:29]And because I'm a former teacher,
[29:30]I think I think of everything that I do,
[29:32]the writing of the book,
[29:33]the podcast as curriculum.
[29:35]So it's all these little mini kind of things
[29:37]that work together and weave together
[29:40]to create a comprehensive season.
[29:42]So you're at one place at the start of the season.
[29:44]13 episodes later, I'm getting you to an end point.
[29:48]And each episode is about 20 minutes or so long.
[29:51]So I feel like they're really bite-sized
[29:53]where people can listen to it on their commute.
[29:55]And they're very actionable.
[29:57]I have lots of downloads.
[29:58]I have lots of exercises and things like.
[30:00]that people can really easily implement.
[30:02]So I think that's been really good for me
[30:04]is that word of mouth, people have loved the podcast,
[30:07]they love what they get out of it.
[30:08]It's almost like taking a course for free.
[30:11]And how do they find the podcast?
[30:12]It's productivity paradox,
[30:13]and you can find my podcast.
[30:15]You can find information about my Tonya TV episodes
[30:17]because I do videos as well,
[30:19]and everything at TonyaDalton.com.
[30:21]So Tonya with an O and a Y.
[30:23]TonyaDalton.com is the best place to find
[30:25]my podcast and everything else.
[30:27]Amazing.
[30:27]And do you have any parting advice
[30:29]to anyone else about to tackle a book project?
[30:31]Yes, here's what I would tell you.
[30:33]We think that when it comes to our big goals
[30:35]and our big dreams that it takes these giant leaps,
[30:38]especially these giant leaps of faith.
[30:40]And I'm here to tell you it's okay to start small.
[30:43]Choose one teeny, tiny step to get started.
[30:47]One little step that maybe feels insignificant,
[30:50]but once you do it, that will build your momentum.
[30:52]That's your springboard,
[30:53]because once you take one step, it's easier to take two steps.
[30:56]And then it becomes easier to take a third bigger step.
[30:59]And then maybe by the time you get to the seventh step,
[31:01]you are already running and you're off and going.
[31:03]And I think that's the thing that we undervalue.
[31:06]We undervalue the small steps
[31:08]that really do push us forward.
[31:10]One tiny step each and every day gets you so much closer
[31:14]than if you wait and wait and wait for one giant step.
[31:17]So start today, start small,
[31:20]but start with something that feels really manageable.
[31:22]Get that win and use that momentum
[31:24]as the win behind your back.
[31:25]I love it.
[31:26]Well, thank you so much for coming on mom's time to read books
[31:29]and for sharing all of your tips
[31:30]and inspiring people to be like you
[31:32]and get their lives under control.
[31:35]Thank you.
[31:36]Thank you so much for having me.
[31:36]I really, it was great being here.
[31:38]Thanks for coming.
[31:40]This episode has been sponsored by Book of the Month Club,
[31:43]Book of the Month.com,
[31:44]and to your code Zibi to get your first book for $5.
[31:47]Thanks for listening to moms don't have time to read books.
[31:50]You can follow me on Instagram at moms don't have time
[31:53]to read books.
[31:54]Thanks so much to Steve and Ryan at Textures Sound
[31:56]for the Sound Editing.
[31:58]And thank you to Morning Moon Productions
[31:59]for providing this fantastic intro and outro music.
[32:02]Thanks for listening.
[32:03]You can always email me at zibi at zibiowans.com.