Zibby's essay: "School Didn't Prepare Me For Parenting"
[0:09]I'm Zibi Owens, and you're listening to the Webby-nominated podcast.
[0:13]Moms don't have time to read books.
[0:15]Hi everyone.
[0:16]I wrote an article recently.
[0:18]I've been spending some time in the ER.
[0:20]Everybody's fine, but it's just been one of those summers where things keep happening.
[0:24]So I wrote this article called School Didn't Prepare Me for Parenting.
[0:28]And I wondered if maybe any of you felt the same way.
[0:31]So let me know.
[0:33]Zibi at zibi Owens.com.
[0:35]Here's the article.
[0:36]I published it on Medium.
[0:38]I've been in the ER a lot lately.
[0:40]With four kids, any day one of them isn't sick is a good day.
[0:43]I've had a lot of time to sit and stew while waiting for endless tests and treatments.
[0:47]Here's what I've realized.
[0:48]School didn't prepare me for parenting at all.
[0:51]Sure, I learned enough to help my big kids with their math homework, so that's nice.
[0:54]But the real things that help in a crisis, not so much.
[0:57]Forget my useless BA, MBA, and good grades.
[1:00]Here's what I wish I'd learned instead.
[1:02]One, how to read an ultrasound.
[1:04]It starts the moment you see you're going to be a parent, a feeling of complete inadequacy.
[1:08]The white-coated technician wielding the ultrasound probe with the gravitas of a judge's
[1:12]gavel knows what she's looking at in the black and white swirly sea on the screen.
[1:16]Somehow she sees a baby.
[1:18]I see fuzz.
[1:19]I took a lot of art history classes in college.
[1:21]I spent hours standing in 200-year-old stone halls in front of walls of images, memorizing
[1:26]the artist, the date, the place.
[1:28]Let me tell you.
[1:29]The fact that I could tell the difference between a Rubens and a Rembrandt means absolutely
[1:33]nothing compared to this text gift of differentiating between an arm and a penis.
[1:38]2.
[1:39]How to diagnose anything.
[1:40]Why didn't I go to med school?
[1:41]Oh, wait, because I got a C in biology in ninth grade and still haven't recovered from
[1:45]the hit my GPA took.
[1:47]If only I'd been interested in organic chemistry instead of the art of the personal essay.
[1:51]Instead of googling symptoms on my phone in the middle of the night with one hand while
[1:54]applying a cold compress to my son's burning forehead with the other, I might be able to
[1:58]diagnose him.
[1:59]He'll him, believe him of some pain, this fever.
[2:02]If only I'd spent my 20s dissecting cadavers and studying for the medical boards instead
[2:06]of watching ER on Thursday nights after wasting time learning how to brine a chicken
[2:10]and cooking class, which, by the way, I've never once attempted to do since, then maybe
[2:15]I could tell my son what was wrong and relieve his anxiety.
[2:18]3.
[2:19]How to detect dyslexia, any learning disorder or mental illness.
[2:22]I actually was a psychology major.
[2:24]At Yale, I was on the intensive track, on my way to becoming a clinical psychologist.
[2:28]I ran my own study on the application of social comparison theory to eating situations
[2:33]for the Yale Center for Eating and Weight Disorders.
[2:35]Shocker, the more you compare what you eat to those around you, the higher the likelihood
[2:39]that you have an eating disorder, depression, or low self-esteem.
[2:42]You're welcome.
[2:43]I coded the number of times a mom said, yum, when giving her toddler a snack for a grad
[2:47]student's study.
[2:48]I learned about social and personality psychology, addiction in the brain statistics,
[2:53]but can I effectively distinguish the difference between dyslexia, anxiety, ADHD, or depression
[2:57]in a kid who seems stressed at school?
[2:59]Nope.
[3:00]Just the class in figuring out exactly what's going on with my child, how to find the
[3:04]right people to identify it and what to do to treat it.
[3:07]4.
[3:08]The difference between teaspoons and milliliters.
[3:10]Maybe I did learn this, but I can't remember how to convert the liquid levels when I
[3:13]am administering medicine, squinting at the children's motion label.
[3:16]How much friggin' medicine does this kid get?
[3:18]Clearly the box manufacturers are not in their forties like me, and can see the almost
[3:22]invisible font, whereas I find myself squinting and straining to see both the dosages and
[3:27]the raised lines on those little plastic cups.
[3:29]I mean, really?
[3:30]It must be an easier way.
[3:31]5.
[3:32]How to assemble anything.
[3:34]In middle school, I cobbled together a bookcase in woodshop.
[3:36]I can still smell the shavings, hear the sound of the saw, feel the pride I felt in
[3:40]lugging home this new piece of furniture and showing it to my parents.
[3:43]Two shelves, I thought I was a genius.
[3:45]That's about the extent of my building aptitude.
[3:47]As a parent, I'm expected to know how to build a vampirina castle that I am pay apparently
[3:52]designed.
[3:53]I unfold the directions with A, B, C, and D marking off the step, and I know I'm F'd.
[3:57]I can't figure this out.
[3:58]What's wrong with me?
[3:59]My older son now assembles everything for the little kids.
[4:02]I'm just relieved that my days wrestling with a baby Bjorn are over.
[4:05]If only I'd taken a class in this.
[4:07]6.
[4:08]The art of persuasion.
[4:09]I don't know why my little guy, age 4, has chosen this particular week to assert his
[4:12]independence in every way.
[4:14]As I sat on his older brother's bed, post-bombiting middle of the night, sheet change.
[4:18]My little guy wandered in and said, I have to go to the bathroom, and I don't like sleeping.
[4:23]Fabulous.
[4:24]While he stood there, backlit in the door frame, my older daughter emerged from behind
[4:27]him with blood all over her shirt, exclaiming, I pulled my tooth out.
[4:31]All this at 4 a.m., fabulous.
[4:34]Then last night before a bed I asked my little guy, do you want to read books on my bed
[4:37]or your bed?
[4:38]He responded, I want to do whatever I want to do.
[4:41]Lovely.
[4:42]Where was the class in reasoning with that kind of logic?
[4:44]7.
[4:45]Professional organization skills.
[4:47]My home is overflowing with stuff.
[4:49]I am completely indebted to my babysitter who happens to have the organization Jean.
[4:53]She goes online to the container store whenever the coloring books pile up, the toys start
[4:57]rolling down the stairs, or the shopkins start spreading like fans after Lady Gaga
[5:01]concert.
[5:02]Of course I am beyond blessed to be able to afford shopkins in coloring books and all
[5:05]the rest of it for my kids.
[5:06]I only wish that my brain could look into a bin of crap and see a clear order for it.
[5:11]Perhaps then I wouldn't spend half my time looking for things.
[5:14]Like that one princess toy the size of my thumbnail that my little daughter absolutely
[5:17]needs before camp, or the little stuff dog my son requires to sleep.
[5:21]Not that one mom the other one.
[5:23]Where was the class on how to find things?
[5:25]I'd note an entire semester on how to find my phone would be great too.
[5:29]8.
[5:30]Sleep deprivation tolerance.
[5:32]I wish there had been a course, like I imagine they have in military training facilities
[5:35]where you undergo sleep deprivation and then have to come up with the most creative solution
[5:39]of your life to a seemingly intractable problem.
[5:41]Like your child having a tantrum over not sitting in the car seat or running away and
[5:45]hiding when the bus comes from camp.
[5:47]Perhaps had my brain become habituated to no sleep back then, I would be more functional
[5:51]on the 46 hours of sleep I'd dependably get now.
[5:53]I could whip patients from my back pocket and dazzle the kids with my fun solutions
[5:57]instead of finding myself snapping and crying out.
[6:00]All I want to do is read you a book, snuggle and get you to sleep.
[6:03]Is it too much to ask?
[6:04]Can't you please stop pretending the pink inflatable raft is your bed and then bursting
[6:08]into tears.
[6:09]Perhaps then I could be fresh and perfect when my son wakes up feverish with severe stomach
[6:13]pain and says help instead of panicking.
[6:15]But who knows?
[6:16]Maybe none of these classes would have helped parenting brings with it constantly changing
[6:20]an unique set of emotional and intellectual demands.
[6:23]Perhaps learning skills in advance would be like mastering archery only to realize that
[6:26]in the real world, the target is constantly moving.
[6:29]You're screwed no matter how hard you train.
[6:31]The good news?
[6:32]You're not the only one.
[6:33]All parents are in this together.
[6:34]I may not be a doctor or psychologist.
[6:37]I might not know how to finish a Star Wars Lego project or where that levy is.
[6:41]All I know is that I love my kids with a ferocity.
[6:43]I didn't know I possessed and that every day I try harder than the last to do my best.
[6:48]I can't diagnose mono or heat rash or even figure out the best face wash for a tween
[6:52]girl.
[6:53]But I know how much I adore, respect and cherish my kids and that's something that simply
[6:57]can't be taught.
[6:58]Now where's my phone?
[7:01]Hope you liked it.
[7:02]My email is zibi at zibiowans.com.
[7:04]I'd love to hear any feedback so I know I'm not just reading into the great outdoors
[7:09]with nobody listening to me.
[7:11]Also please follow me on Instagram because I spend a lot of time trying to make my posts
[7:16]relevant and something that people get something out of my Instagram is ad zibiowans
[7:21]at momstone.com to read books and at kids do have time to read.
[7:26]Thanks so much for all your time and I hope all your parenting out there is going well.