Zibby's essay: "Time Keeps On Slipping into the Future... Especially as a Mom"
[0:09]Hi, I'm Zibi Owens, and you're listening to the Webby-nominated podcast.
[0:13]Moms don't have time to read books.
[0:15]Please also check out my other podcast, Kids Do Have Time to Read Books.
[0:19]I'm on Instagram at Zibi Owens, and at Moms don't have time to read books,
[0:23]and at Kids Do Have Time to Read.
[0:26]So please follow me.
[0:28]And if at any time you have suggestions, my email is zibiatzibi Owens.com.
[0:33]Thanks for listening.
[0:34]Hi, everyone.
[0:35]I recorded one of the essays that I had written called Moving On Up a few weeks ago,
[0:40]and I asked all of you listeners to please let me know if you liked that I had done that.
[0:44]And I got a bunch of really nice emails which really made my day.
[0:48]So I'm going to keep recording and sharing with you a few essays that have been published,
[0:52]and I hope you enjoy them.
[0:54]But again, comments are so welcome.
[0:56]I'm Zibi at Zibi Owens.com, Z-I-B-B-Y, at Zibi Owens.com.
[1:01]Tell me what you think, any suggestions or anything.
[1:04]And I'm going to read you this essay.
[1:06]It's from Kveller.com, K-V-E-L-L-E-R.com.
[1:10]I'm actually a fellow at Kveller this year.
[1:12]And the article is called Time Keeps on Slipping Into the Future, especially as a mom.
[1:17]I'm in bed with three guys.
[1:18]But the only one I'm not touching is my husband.
[1:21]Somehow a pillow has wedged between the two of us,
[1:23]creating a hypoallergenic foam wall.
[1:25]I listened to them inhale.
[1:27]Exhale.
[1:28]I watched the ceiling as three square shadows with prison-like stripes creep across.
[1:33]It's the middle of the night, but a horned blares.
[1:35]Perhaps the taxi charging down Park Avenue.
[1:37]The dog barks.
[1:38]I wonder who is walking their dog at 3.07 a.m.
[1:42]One of the guys I'm snuggling with is our Pomeranian boo-lookalike puppy
[1:46]who resembles a stuffed animal.
[1:47]When I take him for walks, he's attacked by strangers as if he's a Kardashian and Vegas
[1:52]and takes it like a media-trained champ.
[1:54]He is currently nestled in the bend of my knees, getting his beauty rest.
[1:58]Also in bed is my four-year-old son.
[1:59]His day is in this adorable boy-faser number.
[2:02]So I'm inhaling them frantically like a drug that's about to be snatched from my hands.
[2:06]He's my fourth child, so I have the benefit of knowing how fast this will happen.
[2:10]One day I won't be able to lift him.
[2:12]One day he'll ignore me at a school event, like my nearly 12-year-old son did recently,
[2:16]and tell me to stop taking so many pictures.
[2:18]I won't take it personally, I tell myself.
[2:20]But my heart cracks like ice.
[2:22]I can hear it.
[2:23]The cube dunked in a glass of chilled soda.
[2:25]Crack.
[2:26]So when the little guy sneaks into my bed, he stays.
[2:29]I hold his hand and stroke his soft smooth cheek.
[2:32]Watches eyelids flutter in the dark.
[2:34]I feel his angelic arms around my neck.
[2:36]I take him in, savoring it, grasping onto him,
[2:39]hoping to freeze the sands of time that are slipping through my fingers.
[2:42]I know I'll be tired tomorrow.
[2:44]I know I won't fall back asleep.
[2:46]My thoughts will turn to everything I have to do and then keep turning and turning.
[2:49]But I can't miss this.
[2:50]This joyous intimate moment with my preschool boy who will be a teenager before I know it.
[2:55]As a divorced and remarried mother, I have time away from the kids every other weekend.
[2:59]I have time to reflect and to long for them.
[3:01]Yes, I get to live a vibrant, rich life with my husband, filled with travel,
[3:05]sleep, and friends.
[3:07]But we both give it up in an instant to have the kids every day.
[3:09]The perspective that affords me is priceless,
[3:12]like a car momentarily protected by an overpass and a rainstorm.
[3:16]The noise stops for just long enough to register the silence before the pounding resumes.
[3:20]I can step back a bit, process, be grateful.
[3:23]I had a moment earlier this week, the day before I got the kids back.
[3:26]When I found myself walking alone down Madison Avenue,
[3:29]I'm hardly ever alone.
[3:31]I left my phone jostling in the bottom of my purse
[3:33]and headed purposefully toward a bakery to pick up the special snack for my daughter's
[3:37]class party the next day.
[3:38]Yes, no matter whose day it is, I'm always the mom.
[3:41]Everyone I passed along the way triggered something in me.
[3:44]Two ponytail'd make up pre-friends with telltale bags under their eyes,
[3:48]pushed bugaboos side by side.
[3:50]I scooted around them and remembered that stage with a pang of nostalgia,
[3:53]but also with relief that it wasn't my life anymore.
[3:55]I turned sideways to get past two elderly women slowly clanking walkers
[3:59]and their aides.
[4:01]Will that be me?
[4:02]I passed hurried mom's my age with kids freshly picked up from school, my tribe.
[4:06]I greeted the ones I recognized with a warm smile.
[4:08]I want my kids I thought.
[4:10]I want to be picking them up and rushing the doctors appointments and gymnastics practice.
[4:14]Even though I'll be doing that tomorrow, it doesn't fill the void today.
[4:18]In New York, these intimate everyday moments are all out in the open,
[4:21]like a purse with its contents filled out for all to see.
[4:24]All sorts of relationships are on the sidewalk stage.
[4:27]A mom walks comfortably alongside her towering teenage son looking up at him.
[4:31]Easter is straight ahead as he speaks.
[4:33]Will that be my son and me?
[4:35]I see evidence of the passage of time everywhere.
[4:37]I get a preview of what being an empty-nester wandering around the city will feel like.
[4:41]This is part of the reason I like to flee to LA when I don't have the kids.
[4:45]There, everything occurs in private, in cars, homes, and clubs.
[4:50]I can drive around happily avoiding school carpool lines, playgrounds, and other places that make
[4:54]me miss my brood.
[4:55]Here in New York, however, it's unavoidable.
[4:58]Life's thrum is a daily assault.
[5:00]I feel like I need to race against the clock if I want to accomplish an experience
[5:03]everything I want to before time's up.
[5:05]So I cling a bit tighter to my little boy in the dark,
[5:08]knowing how soon I'll be letting him go.
[5:10]I stroke my dog's soft for eight years.
[5:13]I listen to the comforting sound of my husband sleeping,
[5:16]knowing that God willing he'll be my journeyman
[5:18]from whatever life throws at us until the end.
[5:21]And I lie there, watching the shadows dance on the ceiling,
[5:24]savoring this moment in bed with my boys.
[5:27]Oh my gosh, I'm going to cry again.
[5:28]I hope you enjoyed that.
[5:30]Please let me know.
[5:31]Thanks so much.
[5:32]Bye.
[5:34]Thanks again to my sponsor, Mermaid PillowCo.
[5:38]Mermaid PillowCo.com slash zippy
[5:42]and her code zippy for 10% off.
[5:44]Thanks so much.
[5:44]Check out those really awesome giftable pillows and blankets.
[5:47]Thanks for listening to Moms Don't Have Time to Read Books.
[5:50]You can follow me on Instagram at Moms Don't Have Time to Read Books
[5:54]and at zippy Owens.
[5:56]And my new podcast at Kids Do Have Time to Read.
[5:59]Thanks so much to Steve and Ryan at Texture Sound for the Sound Editing.
[6:02]And thank you to Morning Moon Productions for providing this
[6:05]fantastic intro and out trim music.
[6:07]Thanks for listening.
[6:08]You can always email me at zippy at zippyowens.com.