KJ Dell'Antonia, Author, HOW TO BE A HAPPIER PARENT: Raising a Family, Having a Life, and Loving (Almost) Every Minute
[0:10]Welcome to mom's don't have time to read books,
[0:13]the podcast that features conversations with writers of all types.
[0:17]Today's episode of mom's don't have time to read books has been sponsored by the craft studio,
[0:21]craft studio NYC.com, let loose and craft with locations on the upper side in Tribeca.
[0:27]The craft studio is the perfect place to bring your kids paint pottery and kill a bunch of time.
[0:33]It's amazing. I am super excited to be interviewing KJ Del Antonio today.
[0:39]KJ is the former editor of and a writer for the New York Times motherload blog.
[0:44]She was also a contributing editor to the Well Family section. Prior to that,
[0:48]she was a blogger and contributor to sleep. She currently lives in Lime New Hampshire with
[0:52]her husband, four children, and many farm animals. Hi, how are you? Great, how are you? I'm good.
[0:58]Thank you so much for coming on the show. No problem. I also want to thank you so,
[1:04]so much for writing your book. As a mom of four also, I am like beyond grateful to have now
[1:11]a manual like sorted by topic so I can like refer back to it as a Bible. So thank you.
[1:16]Oh, thank you. I hope it's helpful. It actually didn't help me so.
[1:20]Oh, no, it's absolutely helpful. I feel like you normalized so many things that I felt and
[1:27]oh my gosh, there was just anyway, thank you. It was amazing.
[1:29]In your introduction, which I want to laminate, basically, called, this could be fun.
[1:36]You open up your book with the following. You said, I'd been a parent for close to 12 years by
[1:41]the time it occurred to me to ask myself, the whole thing had to suck quite as much as it seemed
[1:45]to most days. And you then find out that raising your kids will take about 20 years,
[1:50]and that will be a significant chunk of your overall lifespan. So you say, I don't want to
[1:54]spend that time in a haze of resigned exhaustion longing to be or do something else. I am lucky
[1:59]to have all this. I want to like it. So I felt like that encapsulated pretty much the whole
[2:03]tone of the book. And I wanted to just hear more about how you shifted mindsets and how this
[2:10]book came to be. I think that there's so much in the book that is practical and like things you
[2:17]can actually do to make immediate things better. But that mindset shifts the decision that you
[2:23]want this to be good, that it's worth your time to figure out ways to make, what seems like
[2:32]sort of mundane tasks that are always going to be kind of vaguely sucky, that it's worth your
[2:36]while to both make them better and also to help yourself to feel better about it. I mean,
[2:43]I'm just like, I'm never going to be a morning person. It's never going to happen. But the decision
[2:49]to wake up and try, which really honestly, I've been dead and you're not trying, maybe a little less,
[2:59]probably maybe a little more. It's huge. Just that sort of moment when you, I mean, you know that moment
[3:08]when like the kid needs the 17th drink of water and the other kid is on the floor because their
[3:13]math homework is too hard. And like, it's just everybody needs you and you're getting to
[3:19]and you're exhausted for whatever reason for work. And just to sort of reach like deep down in
[3:27]yourself and be like, okay, I'm going to help the kid with the math and I'm going to get the kid,
[3:32]the drink like I'm going to do these things. That's really up to me how I feel about it.
[3:38]Yep. I love that. It's like taking out the control back in a way. Yeah. I mean, yeah, you know,
[3:45]you know, you're going to. I mean, you just are. And also, honestly, it's faster and easier
[3:53]and more pleasant to get the drink of water without like the whole argument about how you just
[3:57]had a drink of water in the university. You know, you're going to do it. You might as well just
[4:03]find a little last scraping of it. I don't turn and do it. It's so funny because when I read this
[4:13]passage, I just had this moment with my husband and he was like, so like, what do you think we're
[4:17]going to do once all the kids are out of the house? Like, what do you think life's going to look
[4:19]like for us? And I was like, I mean, I hope I'm going to be around. That's so far away. You know,
[4:26]like this is it. And all of a sudden it was sort of coming to me like, this is like the bulk of it,
[4:30]you know, and so then I opened your book and you basically said the same thing to me. And I was like,
[4:34]yes. Yeah. I mean, this is this is a good really. This is the good stuff. Yeah. Like, this is the
[4:42]the meat. This is, you know, this is the middle of the sandwich. This is um, and we want to like,
[4:49]like, you know, that's, you know, I had to savor every minute. This is not one of those like,
[4:54]you know, old lady in the grocery store. Oh, you've done yourself. It's just not that like,
[4:59]we don't have to feel like unicorns and rainbows constantly. But let's to just make that decision
[5:06]to make it as good as as you can. Um, I think it's really important. Yeah. Just not to be unhappy.
[5:14]You wrote that you wrote that happier parents tend to do four things well. And say you said
[5:20]they shift from heavier involvement to fostering independence as their children become more capable.
[5:25]You say they don't put their children's everyday needs above their own. They look for the
[5:29]good and day-to-day experiences. And they know it's really important and what's just noise and fury.
[5:33]First I wanted to know how you found these happy parents. And then how did you come up with these four
[5:38]variables? Well, that is that's a combination of research I did myself with a colleague and professor
[5:45]at Port of the University of Matthew, went to check her and, um, we interviewed. We didn't
[5:51]we did a sort of a peer-reviewed research study style survey of, um, we 1,050 parents of,
[6:01]you know, that sort of demographically cracked across the United States. Um, not all 1,050
[6:07]answered all the questions. So we sort of didn't end up with quite that many. But, um, and those were
[6:13]the people that the ones who had younger children described more and who were also more satisfied
[6:20]with their lives or with their parenting, which is sort of how academics measure happiness,
[6:24]they describe to being more involved. The ones who had older children described encouraging
[6:29]their children towards independence. And by described, I mean, they sort of, you know,
[6:33]answered multiple trends questions for the most part. We had a few open-ended questions.
[6:37]So that was something that we saw ourselves. I mean, wasn't, wasn't something enormous and
[6:42]massive effect? It was definitely observable. This sort of shift. Um, so they're not the same
[6:48]parents. Like, you know, it's not like we followed them for 10 years, but that was just,
[6:52]that's the way that that worked. And then the rest of the other, all, they're putting, not putting
[6:57]their kids every day needs above their own. That's also from our research. We asked things like,
[7:02]um, you know, when you think about who's, what's for dinner, who needs you considering? When
[7:07]you think about where you're going on a vacation, who's needs are you considering? And people who
[7:10]were considering the needs of everybody in the family were typically also the people who were more
[7:15]satisfied. Um, as opposed to just sort of focusing on the needs of the kids. Then the other things
[7:21]are more, those are mostly other people's research. That's been a ton of research on general
[7:27]happiness and some on specific parental happiness. So that's, um, there's a wonderful neuropsychologist
[7:36]called, um, named Rick, Rick, um, Hanson. And he is the one who talks about letting the good
[7:43]soak in and the importance, um, not letting your brain dwell in negative, which they do pretty
[7:48]reliably. And, um, he and another expert that I spoke to and love, Ken Ginsburg are both very big on
[7:54]keeping that adult perspective that the things that we think are threats to our kids, um, that
[8:00]things that threaten our kids happiness, those aren't real threats. You know, they're not,
[8:04]they're not tigers, not making a sports team. It's not a tiger, not getting, uh, you know,
[8:08]not getting in the same first grade class with your best friends, not a tiger, even that
[8:12]horrible bullying incident. Um, you know, even not getting into the college, you want to. Those
[8:17]are not real threats and having an adult perspective on them helps us keep our happiness as parents.
[8:23]And it also really helps our kids because then they can see that, you know, that life is going to
[8:29]go on. Right. And what, like, what's an example of how you took one of these things and implemented
[8:35]it into your life? Uh, well, just what we were talking about earlier about taking the time to
[8:42]soak in the good moments, like really when, but I think we all have the sort of moments when
[8:50]you just feel like you're going to rip all your hair out because you're, you know, you're,
[8:54]you're packing for a business trip the next day and your teenagers, it's already 11 and you
[8:58]have to be up at five and your teenagers, you know, just having hysterics over something. And
[9:04]another kid doesn't do this. That's your playing Fortnite and you've caught. And you're just like,
[9:08]I just, I just can't. Um, and to sort of be able to have that little thing in the back of your
[9:15]head going, yeah, I just can't. But, but, you know, like, yeah, wait, this is a healthy teenager who
[9:21]wants to talk to me and the kid who's like, or night will get off when I ask them. And I get to go on
[9:26]a business, you know, I got a job. I mean, it's, it's, it's a little bit gratitude, but it's more
[9:33]like, it's not some, I don't think it is like some big woo woo gratitude practices. It's just
[9:39]more noticing that we really have these lovely modern lives that, that are worth like, I appreciate it.
[9:50]Totally. I love that. Um, your book hinges on these 10 mantras that you've identified for
[9:57]happier parents. And as I was typing them out, I was like, this is-
[10:00]how I felt in college.
[10:01]I was typing it out like I was making one of my review sheets
[10:03]that I was going to have to go back and like underline
[10:06]and memorize and now I'm going to like, you know,
[10:07]blow it up and put it on my bulletin board.
[10:09]But anyway, here are the 10 that you outlined.
[10:12]And I'd love to hear, you know,
[10:13]which one of these maybe you use the most?
[10:16]So one, what you want now isn't always what you want later,
[10:20]which I think is my favorite.
[10:22]Two, there is nothing wrong.
[10:25]Three, people including children,
[10:27]especially children change.
[10:29]Four, you don't have to go in there.
[10:31]Five, if you see something, don't always say something.
[10:34]Six, you do you.
[10:35]That's my other favorite.
[10:36]Seven, you can be happy when your children aren't.
[10:40]Eight, decide what to do then do it.
[10:41]Nine, you don't have to get it right every time
[10:44]and 10 soak up the good.
[10:47]I really probably think about everyone.
[10:50]Not necessarily in so many words,
[10:52]but I think about those all the time.
[10:55]And which one is like biggest in my life?
[10:58]Sort of various from day to day.
[10:59]The one that's really big right now
[11:01]is you don't have to go in there,
[11:03]which is to me an emotional reference.
[11:05]Like when your kid is having,
[11:07]it's a literal reference in that one of my kids used
[11:10]to have her tantrums in a closet.
[11:12]And sometimes we didn't have to go in there,
[11:14]but we didn't have to go in there
[11:17]in the sense of joining in her mood.
[11:19]And it is back to school time.
[11:21]And transitions are hard for all kids.
[11:25]And I have a couple that are really struggling with this.
[11:27]Well, I would say three of my four are really,
[11:31]and I don't want to go back to school for a minute.
[11:34]And it's not just like, I don't want to go back.
[11:36]It's also that sort of shifting to a different routine
[11:40]and the whole, you know, it's going to be different
[11:44]and yet it's going to be, I know what it's going to be,
[11:46]but I don't know what it's going to be.
[11:47]Anyway, everybody is super emotional right now.
[11:50]Like, super emotional.
[11:52]And so to let them have their emotional moments
[11:56]without joining them is just to be like,
[11:59]because it's really like they want to succulent.
[12:01]They're trying, they're like, you know,
[12:04]this is the worst, this is the worst day ever.
[12:07]Hi, you guys, you guys, and you just want you in there.
[12:12]And to just be just like, you know,
[12:14]I get that you feel that way.
[12:15]I'm sorry.
[12:17]That really, that must be hard to be,
[12:18]feeling all the feels right now.
[12:20]I think sometimes they want to slap me when I...
[12:23]But not to just like sort of throw myself all in it
[12:27]or respond, especially if they're pushing your buttons
[12:30]for, you know, like making that,
[12:32]to not respond with genuine anger.
[12:35]Like sometimes you have to sort of get, you know,
[12:37]get yourself up and be like, you know, either
[12:39]you stop whining about this or you go or you know,
[12:42]but you don't have to like go all the way
[12:45]to actually be mad.
[12:47]So I love you.
[12:48]That's the one big one for me in the moment.
[12:50]Yeah, I would be like on the floor in a tunnel right now.
[12:55]No, that's super useful.
[12:56]My son literally last night as he's going to bed.
[12:58]He's like, wait, it's almost school.
[12:59]He's like, but I love this summer.
[13:01]I don't know that I want to go back to school.
[13:03]Like this is a great summer.
[13:04]And I was like, yeah, I've been like mentally preparing
[13:06]for this transition for a while
[13:08]because, you know, I'm grown up, right?
[13:10]You know, kids, they're like, wait,
[13:12]this is like coming up around the corner.
[13:13]I don't know about this.
[13:15]Yeah, one of mine said to someone
[13:17]the other, yeah, just yesterday.
[13:18]He was like, well, it's a couple of weeks.
[13:20]And the person was like, not really talking to you today.
[13:23]Yeah.
[13:24]It's like two or three weeks.
[13:25]And they're like, I think it's next Wednesday.
[13:27]Exactly.
[13:28]I like it so we couldn't do that.
[13:30]I also don't say like grown ups.
[13:32]And I mean, I know we are grown ups
[13:34]and I try so hard not to make them a specific.
[13:36]Why do they always look at your children go so?
[13:38]Are you looking forward to going back to school?
[13:40]What are they?
[13:42]No.
[13:44]Especially store.
[13:48]Similarly, if you have a kid who's a junior in high school,
[13:51]which I do, they don't really want to tell you
[13:53]about their college search right now.
[13:55]Like, you know, online, and the checkout, they just don't.
[13:57]I get that that's your immediate go to, but just don't.
[14:00]Be like, hey, I know how to say
[14:02]I have a new flavor of Hershey bar.
[14:04]I don't know.
[14:04]I feel like anything.
[14:06]So many of the small talk questions
[14:08]that people ask to be polite end up
[14:11]like causing so much stress in other people.
[14:13]It's like we should just be like,
[14:14]let's just stop the small talk.
[14:16]Like, I know you're doing the asking us these questions
[14:19]because you're being nice, but now you're like
[14:21]causing a fury on my end.
[14:23]So just like, bye-bye.
[14:26]Anyway, so I get it.
[14:28]In your mornings or the worst chapter,
[14:31]and I wrote this article once about my crazy mornings
[14:34]and everything and this guy, I barely knew it was like,
[14:36]oh, you know, I read your article.
[14:37]He's like, I think you got to get, I think you have
[14:40]to change something about your mornings.
[14:42]And I'm like, this is like some man
[14:44]I'm not his way to work in like a suit.
[14:46]You know what I mean?
[14:47]And I'm like, yes, you're right.
[14:48]Thank you.
[14:50]But I get a wife.
[14:51]Yeah, exactly.
[14:51]It's not only help.
[14:53]Like you did say.
[14:55]But your chapter was so great because you outline
[14:57]like specific, actionable, useful suggestions,
[15:01]not just like chill out and enjoy it.
[15:03]Like you have great tips in there,
[15:05]which is basically in every chapter of your book,
[15:07]which is why it's so user friendly
[15:09]in addition to enjoyable.
[15:11]So you end up saying that, you know,
[15:14]if you find something worth getting up for,
[15:16]it can make the mornings better.
[15:17]Like instead of just thinking about the slog,
[15:19]if you have something fun for something you want to do,
[15:21]then it's easier.
[15:23]And that's how you ended up, you know,
[15:24]basically having a farm and getting your kids
[15:27]to work on the farm, which I did not see that coming
[15:30]in the book.
[15:31]But like, it's like, they're doing what now.
[15:34]It's terrible advice too.
[15:35]Don't go get a farm.
[15:37]And actually if I wrote the book today,
[15:39]I probably wouldn't even, like we still have a farm.
[15:42]And just like, an hour and a half ago,
[15:45]I was fighting with one of my children
[15:47]over the fact that she had to do the chores this morning.
[15:50]It was not pretty with me.
[15:52]Yeah, so the better piece of advice
[15:56]within this side don't buy a farm
[15:58]because it's a stupid idea is to find something,
[16:04]like I said, I hate mornings.
[16:06]I really do.
[16:07]I don't want to get up.
[16:09]But if you can find something that will get,
[16:11]there's sort of two bits.
[16:12]If you can find something that will help you get up,
[16:15]like I actually now, I'm willing to get up
[16:18]to, I run a mile every morning on a treadmill
[16:21]and I don't run any further than that
[16:22]and I do it very slowly and I don't enjoy it.
[16:24]But I sort of, I like checking it off.
[16:27]I like having my day, like there are things about it
[16:30]that have made it sort of so worth it to me
[16:32]that I actually will get.
[16:33]And the point is that then I'm up.
[16:35]I used to just like get up 30 seconds
[16:38]before I needed to wake up children
[16:40]or my husband wouldn't do the same
[16:42]when we definitely trade off and this is not like it's just me.
[16:45]But, and that was just, you know,
[16:47]I was still grumpy.
[16:48]They were grumpy.
[16:49]Everybody was grumpy.
[16:51]So there's that piece of it
[16:52]of sort of trying to get yourself together.
[16:54]And I really hate that advice
[16:56]because I don't like getting up any earlier
[16:58]than I have to.
[17:00]So I think finding something for which you feel like
[17:03]you could get up earlier, like it's helpful to you.
[17:06]And then the piece with the kids,
[17:08]I mean, the thing that was nice
[17:10]when the barn tours were working really regularly
[17:13]is that we would be late for the barn tours
[17:16]but not late for school.
[17:17]So if there's some like sort of way
[17:21]that you can sort of block out,
[17:23]it's like, you know, you have to be done getting ready
[17:27]by seven, but you don't have to leave for school
[17:29]till 17 and I don't know if that's
[17:31]because you're all gonna, you know, take a walk
[17:35]or because everybody likes to watch a particular,
[17:38]you know, if they're something that you could watch
[17:42]or play or don't, you know, you could stop
[17:45]at a donut place and then you could actually sort of
[17:47]get a ritual donut if you have to take it in the car
[17:50]if you're late.
[17:51]But the key was just that the thing we ended up being late
[17:54]for was not the school.
[17:56]So it helped.
[17:57]But it's a hard one to achieve.
[17:59]And it all honestly is not working anymore.
[18:03]Like, let's take a marker and toss that out.
[18:07]Okay, that's really funny.
[18:10]Okay, so then let's talk about chores.
[18:12]You have this amazing chapter on chores
[18:14]which you just adapted for the New York Times
[18:17]the other day, I think on Sunday,
[18:18]which was a great article.
[18:20]But in it, as you're talking about how kids really need
[18:23]to help out more on the house and how, you know,
[18:26]it leads to all sorts of benefits longterm
[18:27]if you can get your kids to start with chores
[18:29]even at eight, you know, ages three, four, five.
[18:32]That will lead to longer term benefits.
[18:35]In the in the chapter you wrote,
[18:36]if you're clearing your 11 year old dishes
[18:38]after every meal, then unless your child has physical
[18:41]or physical or mental special needs that require this service,
[18:44]you are doing it wrong as our most of our fellow parents.
[18:47]So literally I read this and I had just finished in her
[18:49]with two, my two 11 year old twins.
[18:52]I was like, oh my gosh, I'm totally doing it wrong.
[18:54]Like she has called me out.
[18:56]It's like, in addition to every other useful piece of advice,
[19:00]now she's like peering into my house
[19:02]and showing me what I'm doing wrong.
[19:03]So message received on my end.
[19:05]And I'm sure other parents, so tell me why I have to make
[19:10]the kids do chores, which by the way,
[19:12]I've already changed since reading your book
[19:14]and it's been great.
[19:15]But I had to reread that chapter for the audio book
[19:19]got to and I rereading it made me go,
[19:23]oh, we really got to up our game.
[19:25]It's like a slippery slide because who are we kidding?
[19:27]It is easier to clear the dishes yourself.
[19:30]And totally is, whether your kids are four or 11,
[19:34]it's just, just do it yourself and they don't wine
[19:36]and it's, but, but it's not better for a couple of reasons.
[19:41]First, in terms of our own personal happiness,
[19:45]it really feels credit to be doing all the work.
[19:49]Like you probably made the meal or you're spouse did
[19:52]or your partner did.
[19:54]You know, I saw the kids didn't, is really more my point.
[19:56]And to also then be the one to clean up after it.
[20:00]while they are either sort of swanning about
[20:03]during their video games or Snapchatting,
[20:05]or even just sitting there watching you,
[20:09]that doesn't feel good, it doesn't feel right.
[20:14]Even if you're sort of having to nag them into helping,
[20:18]so like when you're doing that, you know,
[20:21]and I think they know that that's how it should be.
[20:24]Like everybody is supposed to be chipping in
[20:27]to make these things work.
[20:29]So it's really, I think it's important for our parental,
[20:33]like, happiness that we do this,
[20:36]because we know that it's good,
[20:39]and you know that the kids who are accustomed to doing this,
[20:43]I mean, they're actually, there is some research,
[20:45]it's not huge, but kids who are raised in a less household
[20:50]where they really are contributing,
[20:52]and they are necessary, feel more connected to their family,
[20:56]and that is sort of protective of their emotional health,
[20:59]in a couple of ways.
[21:00]There's also some research that suggests,
[21:03]and it's a tiny study, that they do better later in life,
[21:06]but even just, I mean, we don't need research on this one.
[21:10]The boyfriend who comes over and gets up and helps
[21:13]the family of his new girlfriend, clear the table,
[21:17]is the good boyfriend.
[21:18]The one who keeps back and asks where the remote is,
[21:21]is the bad boy, right?
[21:23]You know, you don't need research to know
[21:26]that you want your kids to be helpful.
[21:30]So there's that, but the thing that I learned,
[21:34]and the thing that I keep saying,
[21:35]the thing that sort of is helping us, I think the most,
[21:38]is that there are really two totally different pieces of this.
[21:41]And the first is that you want your kids to clear the dish
[21:43]or whatever, or to make their bed,
[21:45]or to do the laundry, or to go out and vote,
[21:47]whatever you want them to do.
[21:49]You want them to be the one that does it.
[21:51]That's important.
[21:52]It'd be nice if they did it without being told,
[21:56]you know, if they didn't need a reminder,
[21:58]or if they did it without winding,
[22:00]or if they did it cheerfully.
[22:01]But that's different.
[22:03]Like that, you can leave that totally out of the equation.
[22:07]Your job as a parent is just to get them to do it.
[22:11]Mm-hmm.
[22:13]I like that.
[22:14]Yeah, and not be like,
[22:16]why are you whining about this so much?
[22:17]Because I can't just say it.
[22:18]Yeah, and if you can,
[22:20]fine, just one of my best phrase,
[22:22]which I actually don't even think it might be
[22:25]a little bit similar, but the best thing I've got
[22:27]on that is you don't have to like it.
[22:29]You just have to do it.
[22:30]Mm-hmm.
[22:32]I don't like it.
[22:33]You know, I have learned now about almost 50 years in
[22:37]that I doesn't help me to whine about it,
[22:40]that I just feel worse,
[22:42]but you know, you whine,
[22:45]just, but you still have to do it.
[22:47]I also like how you say that you shouldn't expect them
[22:49]to do it particularly well.
[22:51]No, this is also true.
[22:53]I mean, eventually, you know,
[22:55]it's you're doing it poorly because they know
[22:57]you're going to swoop in and it's like easier for them.
[22:59]That's, but a lot of the time,
[23:01]they're just, you know, they're too young
[23:03]or they didn't get it or they were sloppy.
[23:05]I've made a deal with my son.
[23:08]He really wanted this toy and an exchange.
[23:09]This is probably bad parenting.
[23:11]I was like, you're, you have to do four days of laundry
[23:13]for the whole family and with four kids
[23:14]and everybody.
[23:15]It's a lot of laundry every day.
[23:16]He was like, you're kidding.
[23:17]And I was like, that's the deal.
[23:18]So he's been doing the laundry all week.
[23:21]And it's so funny to see him like approach a pile of clothes
[23:23]like again.
[23:24]I'm like, yes, this is the laundry.
[23:26]I have a little treat.
[23:27]Day, you can never cross it off the list.
[23:29]It's like one of those things, like try it.
[23:31]And then my husband was like,
[23:33]I don't know about this with, you know,
[23:35]this guy doing the laundry because like,
[23:37]my shirts end up in like five year olds closet.
[23:40]And I'm like, this is not hers.
[23:42]Look at this shirt.
[23:43]Anyway, like all the clothes are dirty,
[23:44]but I'm like, I think it's the principle of it.
[23:46]Like we have to enforce the principle of the chores.
[23:50]So anyway, so you recommended in your book
[23:55]that parents actually read books, magazines,
[23:58]newspapers that actual hard copy is said
[24:00]that the kids can see parents reading.
[24:03]Can you explain how this is really beneficial?
[24:06]Like what's your thought behind this piece of advice?
[24:09]Two pieces.
[24:10]First of all, especially when your kids are little,
[24:12]if you're reading on your iPad,
[24:13]as far as they're concerned, you're playing two dots.
[24:16]Okay, look at that.
[24:17]It doesn't matter, you know, you can show them the words,
[24:20]but to them it's like, you're on an iPad and I'm not.
[24:23]They're said, and that's just the end of it.
[24:24]So I think that it's really important
[24:26]that we do the things that we can do offline,
[24:29]offline so that they can see their sort of relative
[24:31]importance in our world.
[24:35]A lot of kids actually grow up to prefer,
[24:37]a lot of adults prefer the paper too.
[24:41]So surprising number of kids would rather read on paper
[24:44]if they're seeing you do it, that's great.
[24:46]The other reason, and this is huge,
[24:48]keep subscribing, I don't know how long
[24:50]we've been gonna be able to do this,
[24:52]but keep subscribing to a paper newspaper,
[24:54]keep subscribing to paper magazines.
[24:56]If you want to raise kids who read the New Yorker,
[24:58]the cartoons and the covers,
[25:00]those are the gateway drugs.
[25:01]If you want to raise kids who glance at the headlines
[25:04]of your local paper, the local papers got to be sitting there.
[25:07]They're not gonna sort of wander over to your computer
[25:10]and accidentally go to your town.
[25:14]It just doesn't work that way.
[25:16]But if it's sitting there, they really, truly will
[25:19]and then you're talking about it.
[25:21]So I mean, I don't know how long this is gonna even be
[25:24]a possibility, but it's actually important.
[25:27]I love paper everything.
[25:29]So I do tend to have it around and I was so sad,
[25:32]I went to my local on 72nd and 3rd,
[25:35]there's a place called State News
[25:36]or used to be called State News now, it's modern state.
[25:39]And for my whole life and I've grown up
[25:41]in the same neighborhood,
[25:42]this is pathetic, I'm in 42 years old
[25:43]and I have not moved to basically more than five blocks.
[25:46]But anyway, it's had like all the magazines
[25:49]from around the world, right?
[25:50]The store was like the magazine Emporium
[25:51]of the Upper East Side basically
[25:53]and they just decided to stop selling any magazines.
[25:55]No!
[25:56]Yes, I couldn't believe it.
[25:58]I walked in like two days ago
[26:00]and where all the magazines normally are,
[26:02]we're just school supplies.
[26:04]And I was like, wow, I know.
[26:06]So I said wait, where are the magazines would happen?
[26:08]And I said, oh, I said, because of everything's online,
[26:10]now we're not gonna sell them anymore.
[26:12]I wasn't making any sense for us.
[26:14]So I was so sad for you.
[26:16]I was so sad, I was so sad.
[26:17]I was so upset.
[26:19]So anyway, I'm with you, I really,
[26:21]I love hard copies of everything
[26:22]and magazines and everything.
[26:24]And I'm hoping that even though everything's
[26:28]accessible online that people don't give up
[26:31]producing and consulting.
[26:32]And you can scatter those around.
[26:35]Like you can put some magazines
[26:36]that might appeal to your kid in the backseat of the car
[26:39]as though they were just there.
[26:41]Leave them in the bathroom.
[26:42]Like we all do.
[26:44]You know, they just leave them around
[26:46]and they they'll pick them up.
[26:49]Words are sort of, it's hard to not read them
[26:52]once you know how to read.
[26:53]And I think it makes a difference.
[26:56]Totally.
[26:57]I'm gonna put some stuff in the car today.
[26:58]That was a great tip.
[27:01]One of my friends used to lay books around her house
[27:03]was like bait because it wouldn't work to say,
[27:06]yeah, I think you'd really like this book.
[27:08]So she'd just like leave it continually.
[27:11]So after all this research that you've done,
[27:14]if you could pick the one or two things
[27:16]to help busy parents out there be happier,
[27:19]who might not be able to implement everything,
[27:21]but just maybe one or two things
[27:22]that they could keep like in the, you know,
[27:24]front and center.
[27:24]What would they be?
[27:27]You know, this is boring,
[27:29]but find a way to get your whole family more sleep.
[27:33]That will get you better mornings.
[27:34]It will get you better afternoons.
[27:35]It will get you better, which ain't hours.
[27:38]And I'll just go sort of straight to the interesting
[27:41]bit of it, which is that the reason that most of us
[27:44]don't get more sleep is that we don't want to go to bed
[27:48]at night.
[27:49]It's not that we don't want to stay in bed in the morning
[27:51]because everybody would do that, right?
[27:52]But we can't.
[27:53]So and the reason we don't want to go to bed at night
[27:55]is because we don't get our own time
[27:58]till all the other things are over.
[28:00]So, you know, for parents it's not to learn,
[28:02]but even bad sometimes, and you can check that.
[28:05]You can sort of try to come up with a world
[28:07]where everybody's standing there on time starting at seven.
[28:10]And but for kids and for teenagers,
[28:12]it's like, well, I had sports in the man at homework
[28:14]and my head business, and so I'm not done till nine.
[28:16]And then if you're not done till nine,
[28:17]you're going to bed till 10 and you don't get
[28:19]impossible to get that nine hours that you need
[28:21]if you don't go to bed till 10.
[28:23]And I don't mean adults, you know, but teens
[28:25]and tweens, they need that time.
[28:27]So that is huge.
[28:29]And the other is the mindset ship.
[28:32]Just make, make it worth your while,
[28:36]make it a priority to find a way to enjoy things.
[28:41]Awesome.
[28:43]Well, KJ, thank you so much.
[28:44]Also, thank you for giving,
[28:45]you gave us some books to give away on Instagram giveaways.
[28:49]So thank you so much for that and for taking all the time.
[28:51]And for all your advice that is going to really
[28:54]make my life as a mom easier and better.
[28:57]So I am truly, truly grateful from one mom to another
[29:00]on that one.
[29:01]Thank you.
[29:02]Are welcome.
[29:04]All right.
[29:04]Let's take care of rest of life.
[29:06]You do.
[29:07]Bye.
[29:08]This episode of Moms don't have time to read books.
[29:10]It's been sponsored by the Craft Studio.
[29:12]Craft Studio NYC.com, the best place to craft in New York.